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September 1996 - December 1996

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September 1st 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Favor A Bobbie/Stefan Match
10) Surprised us, but she had chemistry with him. Must be HIS acting ability
9) Bobbie would be truly breathtaking if she became an unrepentantly evil Cassadine woman
8) She could introduce some bright touches to the mansion decor
7) Carries over the garter-snake metaphor nicely
6) It would really prove Luke's point about the Cassadines being cursed
5) Lucas always saying he wants a greek island
4) Could distract Bobbie from sniping at Carly
3) We're naturally contrary
2) Would make Luke pop a blood vessel
And the number one reason we favor a Bobbie/Stefan Match:
1) He might kill her

"Maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt." — Bobbie

September 5th 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Love Luke
10) Big smelly cigars remind us fondly of Tracy
9) He's not under the delusion that Mac (or shall we call him Bubba) could solve a case
8) He somehow senses Carly is family
7) Doesn't dye his hair anymore (well, maybe a little Grecian formula)
6) Sometimes tells Bobbie when she's being really stupid
5) Really, really good at making Stephan think he, Luke, is an idiot
4) Doesn't let reality interfere with his thought processes
3) He hired Mike
2) He's one of Lucy's friends
And the number one reason we love Luke:
1) NO ONE can come up with an MDP like he can

"I've got a plan." — Luke Spencer

September 12th 1996
Top Ten Things That Make Felicia Really Mad
10) Aztec treasure still being held up in legal limbo
9) Tony totally lost interest (didn't even notice she was being stalked)
8) Those damn mini-blinds never close all the way
7) People who don't have exact change at toll booths
6) Mac wrong EVERY time; but he never admits it
5) Disney over-merchandising
4) Lois and Brenda never offered her a singing contract
3) Frisco... that bastard
2) In her prime, yet still being mistaken for people's mother
And the number one thing that makes Felicia really mad:
1) Police detectives taking cookies without permission

"And then *bam*; lights out!" — Garcia

September 12th 1996
Top Ten Reasons Tony Would Sleep With Carly
10) Hypnotism
9) Wants her to help him hack into some computer systems
8) As close as he can come to sleeping with Bobbie, without actually having to sleep with Bobbie
7) If his wife is going to sleep with Stefan "Dracula" Cassadine, then he might as well throw propriety to the wind
6) Really turned on by whining
5) She'll tell him she loves "Don Ho"
4) Corn dog night in the hospital cafeteria
3) He is suffering from MPD and one of his personalities Is a DVX agent, who believes it is his mission to sleep with the entire nursing staff (he's just starting with Carly) and Lucy. You can tell when this personality is in control. He listens to country music.
2) The "physical education" part of her nursing curricula
And the number one reason Tony would sleep with Carly:
1) Second-hand red dye poisoning

"Let's pretend it never happened." — Tony

September 12th 1996
Top Ten Things Kevin Has To Look Forward To
10) Plastic cutlery
9) Larry Poindexter on "Party of Five" and Jeb Brown on "Deep Space Nine" (plug, plug)
8) Reunion with Ryan's hospital guards
7) Prime-time interview with Veronica Bowles
6) Insomnia
5) Conjugal visits from Lucy
4) Being cut from Felicia's Christmas card list
3) Career change
2) Just when things start settling down... Ryan returns
And the number one thing Kevin has to look forward to:
1) Tom's bill

"Does that mean you're willing to treat me?" — Kevin

September 1996
Top Ten Ways Tracy Could Get Jax In To Bed

10) Leave a trail of Popcorn
9) Give up those smelly cigars
8) Offers to help him take over ABC
7) Get him good and drunk
6) Wear a black wig and say "duh"
5) Tell him she needs his advice on the firmness of her mattress
4) Make it a condition of the ELQ takeover
3) Menage a trois with Lois
2) Blackmail
And the number one way Tracy could get Jax into bed
1) Rape

"He must have known what a treat it would be for you." — Tracy

September 1996
Top Ten Possible Reasons We Haven't Seen Reginald Lately
10) Vacationing in Barbados
9) Infinite Improbability Syndrome
8) Off on yet another mysterious WSB mission
7) Trapped in the basement; still trying to escape
6) Summer Camp counselor in Canadian retreat. Teaching Soap-carving to Lily, Damian and Ryan (well, Ryan has to use a spoon)
5) Keeping Dillon away from the priceless antiques
4) Post-production on that Keanu Reeves movie
3) Unable to bare the temptation of Tracy's presence lying low until she's gone.
2) Captured by the evil Cassadines; being forced to act as their butler and to hide every time someone comes to the door
And the number one possible reason we haven't seen Reginald lately:
1) Cook

"Politics now, is it?" — Reginald (where for art thou, Reginald?)

September 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Know Kevin Is Really Felicia's Friend
10) Helped deliver Georgie
9) Correctly advised her that Mac was not the man for her
8) Distracted Ryan's attention
7) He put her in his calling circle
6) Diagonosed Maxie's pneumonia in time to save her life
5) Consoled her platonically during the break-up with Mac
4) Improved her vocabulary
3) Kept vigil by Maxie's bedside
2) Didn't leave any bruises
And the number one reason we know Kevin is really Felicia's friend:
1) He's the only one who understands where she's coming from right now

"Is that what I did?" — Kevin

September 1996
Top Ten Things That Might Have Driven Kevin Over The Edge
10) Not being asked to perform at the Nurses' Ball
9) Tom using his parking space... one too many times
8) This damn HMO* thing
7) Gina; world's worst T.A.
6) Corn-dog night in the cafeteria
5) Bobbie threatening to resume therapy
4) That psychic magical twin-link between him and the still alive and kickin' Ryan
3) Giggling blonde twins
2) Norma... nuff said
And the number one thing that might have driven Kevin over the edge:
1) Mad Cow Disease

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says to the other.
"I'm really worried about this mad cow disease".
The other cow says, "I'm not."
"Why not?" asks the first cow.
"I'm a squirrel."

September 28th 1996
Top Ten Reasons Alexis Will Like Port Charles
10) Quartermaines have a lawyer in the family; no risk she'll have to try and defend one of them
9) That gorgeous Detective Garcia still unattached
8) She only has to work, at most, fifteen minutes a day
7) With Dara as the D.A. Alexis should be able to win every single one of her cases
6) Stefan planning on having really cool Halloween Party*
5) Corn dog night in the hospital cafeteria
4) Only competition in town invisible Paul Hornsby
3) Kelly's now being inspected by health department
2) Lucy can be her new best friend
And the number one reason Alexis Will Like Port Charles
1) No pesky fourth amendment

"But that's just an opening volley. I have no intention of giving up." — Alexis Davis
*Suggestion to FGC Stefan; how about throwing a net.halloween.party at Windemere? It's just the perfect location.

October 1st 1996
Top Ten Signs That Stefan Is Up To No Good
10) Wears a goatee
9) Doesn't eat at the Outback (What can I get for you, mate?)
8) Apparently confused about the meaning of "Atonement"
7) Embracing the HMO lifestyle
6) Not above manipulating his beloved nephew, or whatever
5) His laptop is black
4) Willingly speaks to Bobbie
3) Never wears pastels
2) Secretly throws darts at Laura's portrait
And the number one sign Stefan is up to no good:
1) Has brushed up that villainous rhetoric to a glowing sheen

"Want to play a new game?" — Setefan "the troll" Cassadine
October 2nd 1996
Top Ten Characters Who Need Little Devils

10) Felicia - Stop trying to portray her actions as good and get behind a truly nasty villainous Felicia. No more Miss Nice Guy
9) Laura - In lieu of a backbone, perhaps. Luke's little Devils are already doing a fine job, as are Stefan's. In self-defense Laura better get her own.
8) Mac - He doesn't wear self-righteous well. A little of the old wicked mercenary Mac would be refreshing.
7) Lila - She ought to show this nutty family of hers that she won't stand for anymore nonsense
6) Keesha - She's going to need this when A.J. finally has his little secret revealed.
5) Lucas - His little Devils should go all the way. Lucas would be cool Possessed. Well, we see him so seldom we can't be certain he isn't already
4) Katherine - Her little Devils seem to be on vacation
3) Lucy - A lttle Devil ought to be whispering in her ear right now and suggesting she bust Kevin out of the joint
2) Tony - Let's encourage his present misbehavior. Tony's been good so long, he's finally exploded. He needs this uh... release
And the number one character who needs a little devil
1) Ryan - Those darn Angels are keeping him in Canada
"Where were you thirty years ago?" — Ryan Chamberlain
October 6th 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Kind Of Like The New Dorman
10) Doesn't look like he just stopped suckin' on a lemon
9) Monica hasn't slept with this one
8) Now, fully believe he would have refused to operate on Stone
7) Hoping he was the real stalker
6) His sleazy charm reminds us of Damian
5) Rumor has it that he looks great in a towel
4) We've been assimilated by an HMO
3) We're impressed by shattering glass
2) Brings out Monica's protective instincts (towards Alan)
And the number one reason we kind of like the new Dorman
1) Scrubs... scrubs really turn us on

"It's over when I say it's over." — Dorman
October 7th 1996
Top Ten Things Alan Will Have Difficulty Doing While He's Doped Up
10) Pushing correct elevator button
9) Ragging on A.J.
8) Staying awake during emergency hospital board meeting
7) Walking Annabelle
6) Organizing Corn Dog Night in the cafeteria
5) Not laughing when Stefan finally says "Hie thee hither"
4) Rearranging Dorman's smarmy features
3) Resisting Monica's efforts to seduce him
2) Remembering not to think that there's anyone besides Stefan who could bail out GH (Jax, Jax who?)
And the number one thing Alan will have difficulty doing while he's doped up:
1) Spelling HMO

"I'm taking over." — Monica Quartermaine
October 9th 1996
Top Ten Reasons General Hospital Closed It's Doors

10) Mass escape by tormented patients
9) Oktoberfest!
8) Steve, realllllyyy bad at balancing a check book
7) Alan caught mid-Sidney imitation
6) Audrey; having an estate sale
5) Corn-Dog fight in the cafeteria
4) Tom as head of the psych department does not exactly inspire confidence
3) Cassadine cousin, Dr. Dorkman is bent on revenge because of Monica's rejection and a natural jerk-like nature
2) Bobbie's bedside manner
And the number one reason General Hospital closed its doors:
1) Just can't function without Doc Kevin

"General Hospital can't be closed." — Bobbie Jones

October 14th 1996
Top Ten Things Kevin Thinks About In Jail
10) Dara; what are her psychological motivations?
9) Will Ruby ever serve him a croissant again?
8) Lucy in a black negligee
7) Is Bruce in the next cell getting frisky?
6) Do my patients miss me?
5) Corn-dogs
4) Katherine? What the hell is up with her?
3) No invite to the big Jax/Brenda Wedding
2) Felicia... Ryan may have had a point
And the number one thing Kevin thinks about in jail:
1) Lucy; out of a black negligee

"I'll be with you every step of the way." — Lucy

October 14th 1996
Top Ten Weak Points In Stefan's Master Plan
10) Helena's curse still screwing things up
9) Alexis has a soft spot for guys with bad hair
8) Alan; not as dumb as he looks
7) Except for Luke, everybody couldn't care less
6) Windemere surrounded by infected water
5) Being friends with Bobbie not worth any price
4) Dorman not as smart as he pretends
3) Lasha not really greek golden-haired goddess
2) No cows
And the number one weak point in Stefan's Master Plan
1) Makes absolutely no sense

"We'll isolate Luke Spencer, and destroy him." — Nikolas Cassadine

October 17th 1996
Top Ten Reasons You Don't Want to Have Luke as an Uncle
10) He gives you really strange Christmas presents
9) Second-hand smoke
8) Only gives you enough money for Coach; not First Class
7) Family reunions: just you, him, Bobbie and Ruby
6) Has friends like "Uncle" Sonny; who keeps wanting to "take care" of you
5) Bad-hair is genetic
4) Folksy suggestions like; "hop a frieght train"
3) Cousin Lucky is at that "difficult" stage
2) He's always mumbling "Cassadines, rasssumfrassum Cassadines!"
And the number one reason you don't want to have Luke as an Uncle:
1) That means your mother is Bobbie

"I'm your Uncle Luke, little girl." — Luke Spencer

October 17th 1996
Top Ten Changes Stefan Plans For General Hospital
10) Black hospital gowns
9) Shrine in room 666
8) Crank up that air conditioning
7) Staff psychological evaluations
6) Longer dramatic pauses before delivering diagnosis
5) Eliminate corn-dog night in the cafeteria
4) More frequent blood-drives
3) Large portrait of Laura in the lobby
2) Free Coffins
And the number one change Stefan plans for General Hospital
1) Give Amy a raise

"I hope you're not disappointed." — Nicholas

October 17th 1996
Top Ten Things Sigmund Watches On TV While Mommy Is Busy With Other Things

10) Old Disney movie "Million Dollar Duck"
9) Duck Man (on USA)
8) The Maltese Falcon
7) Home Shopping Network (and look Mommy left her credit cards on the end table)
6) The Birds
5) Lord Love a Duck (starring Roddy McDowall)
4) Dragnet with Jack Webb
3) Disney Channel (but only the programs with Ducks)
2) The Duck Van Dyke Show
And the number one thing Sigmund watches on TV:
1) Cooking with Ishtar

"Why do people eat ducks?" — Lucy

October 17th 1996
Officer Rick's Top Ten Possible Off-Duty Activities
10) Picking up Garcia's laundry
9) Trying to get date with pretty Nurse Amy
8) Watching Soap Trials in effort to earn law degree
7) Crocheting
6) Wal-Mart shopping
5) Growing huge mutant plants near toxic incinerator
4) Duck hunting
3) Weight-lifting
2) Running for Mayor
And Officer Rick's number one possible off-duty activity
1) Sending anonymous love letters to Commissioner Scorpio

"They call me, Officer Rick." — Officer Rick Johnson

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JON LINDSTROM! In honor of the occasion we have written a list that might cheer up Kevin.

October 18th 1996
Top Ten Ways to Make Kevin Collins Feel Better
10) A nice warm bubble bath....with Lucy
9) A week's supply of Charmin
8) A prison therapist
7) Ryan writing him a letter with some good escape tips
6) Serving corn dogs in prison cafeteria...yummola
5) Interesting article in Port Charles Weekly with good review of his Art Exhibit at the Outback
4) A Halloween card from Felicia ("To my best fiend")
3) Mac bringing a pardon from the governor
2) Patients chipping in for his defense fund
And the number one way to make Kevin Collins Feel Better:
1) Tell him that Luke and Sonny won't attempt to resuce him

"You're serious aren't you?" — Luke Spencer

Top Ten Possible Reasons Mac Can't Have Flashbacks

10) He already takes up too much screen-time
9) Tangeneva never taught him how to do that
8) Already signed the rights over to Disney
7) Robert not available for cameos
6) Had to have entire flashback section of his brain removed
5) Afraid his soul will be captured by the images; just like a camera
4) Too little vitamin C in his diet
3) Keeps getting them mixed up with his Katherine/Food Fantasies
2) Too busy concentrating on "breathe in; breathe out"
And the number one possible reason Mac can't have flashbacks:
1) Insufficient RAM

"I'm not going to tell you." — Mac Scorpio
October 1996

Top Ten Things That Mac, Felicia, Tom and Dara Might Possibly Be Charged With

10) Dara, Felicia, Tom - Breaking and Entering
9) Dara - Searching without a warrant
8) Mac - Malfeasance, misfeasance, etc., etc.
7) Tom - Peeping
6) Dara - Contempt of court
5) Felicia - Doll house demolition
4) Tom - Overacting without a license
3) Mac - Unnatural use of fried chicken
2) Felicia - Naming her children Maxie and Georgie
And the number one thing that Mac, Felicia, Tom and Dara Might Possibly be charged with:
1) Willful stupidity

"This isn't a civil suit..." — Dara Jensen (Ooooh, who finally told her?!)
October 1996

Top Ten Reasons We Don't Want Kevin to Recover Any Time Soon

10) That Chief of Psychiatry job seems to steady Tom
9) Keeps him out of those godawful suits
8) Prevents Lucy from jabbering on about her cosmetics company
7) Gail really needs the work
6) Thought he might do good buddy Mac a favor and strangle Katherine
5) Stefan's plans might not progress so well if Kevin were in a condition to thwart him
4) Wanted to see if he got Ryan's old room at the mental institution
3) We don't want any drop in Kevin's screen time
2) If he times it correctly Lucy can be a June bride
And the number one reason we don't want Kevin to recover any time soon:
1) We're sadists

"I can't believe you're saying that to me." — Lucy Coe

October 31st 1996
Top Ten Scary Things In Port Charles
10) Dara's legal skills (or lack thereof)
9) Ned's new attitude
8) Never know when you might discover you had a child you never knew about
7) Quartermaine parties
6) Amy needs a date
5) Killer Attorney, Justus, most ethical guy in town
4) No matter where you go, you're right next to wherever you were
3) Kevin on the loose; watch out!
2) Luke's hair
And the number one scary thing in Port Charles
1) Sweeps month coming up

"You're not invited to my wedding." — Brenda

November 3rd 1996
Top Ten Reasons Sigmund Is Happy
10) A really bad orange crop this year
9) Not invited to Brenda and Jax' Weddding
8) Mommy not home much; lets him fix his own meals
7) Doesn't have to migrate
6) Currently negotiating with Disney to play a live version of Donald Duck
5) Ishtar oath-bound not to eat him
4) Act for next year's nurses ball coming together well
3) Thanksgiving coming up; time for a Sigmund adventure
2) As a duck he's not expected to vote in the upcoming Presidential Election
And the number one reason Sigmund is happy
1) Daddy is Coming home

"I'd like to have Sigmund declared a hostile witness." — Lucy

November 3rd 1996
Top Ten Community Service Jobs For Kevin
10) Whipping up cappuccino at the local soup kitchen
9) Keeping Katherine away from the all-you-can-eat bars
8) Painting mural on the ceiling of the mayor's mansion
7) Distracting Luke so the rest of the town can get some peace
6) Heading up Stefan's new blood drive
5) Dating Amy
4) New Police Commissioner
3) Explaining the bread-maker to Brenda
2) Hooking up modems
And the number one community service job for Kevin
1) Public Access talk show

"And on our show today ex-police commissioner Scorpio tells us why he resigned and bigamist Ned Ashton tells his sordid story." — Kevin Collins, host extraordinaire

November 6th 1996
Top Ten Memorable Events at the Jax/Brenda wedding
10) No one voted
9) Jerry Jacks has a voice
8) Mac sniffing the air
7) Emily now taller than anyone else in the wedding party
6) Cook seen dragging another dead body to the cellar
5) Edward recounting his faked heart attack attempts
4) Katherine's umpteenth public humiliation
3) Reginald "accidentally" placing Katherine's Deception samples in the Mother Nature's Own Garbage Disposal
2) Brenda discovered deep in thought
And the number one memorable event at Jax and Brenda's wedding:
1) The commercials

"Didn't I kill her once?" — Reginald

November 18th 1996
Top Ten Things That Mac Finds Complicated

10) Intimate relationships
9) VCR clock; how did Robin set it?
8) How to get to work in the morning (to his credit everyone in Port Charles finds that difficult)
7) Garcia's jokes
6) Miranda's motivations
5) That damn garbage disposal
4) Outback books
3) Felicia's views on world politics
2) International date lines
And the number one thing that Mac finds complicated
1) Shoe laces

"It's complicated." — Miranda
"What isn't?"— Mac

November 18th 1996
Top Ten Reasons Tony Shouldn't Marry Carly
10) None of the adults involved smart enough to explain it to Lucas
9) Carly is destined to find true love with A.J.
8) Carly not less likely to lie to him than Bobbie
7) Bobbie not likely to be appropriately jealous when she's got Stefan in her bed
6) He already knows that great sex does not a marriage make (and we're talking about Lucy, not Bobbie)
5) Tony is destined to find true love with Simone
4) Whining could be hazardous to your health; and Tony's already past the recommended lifely allowance
3) Tony's just not good enough for Carly
2) The first time he describes brain surgery Carly likely to say "Ewww!"
And the number one reason Tony shouldn't marry Carly:
1) That little ex-wife's daughter thing

"You could marry me." — Carly

November 18th 1996
Top Ten Reason's Why Dorman Is Likely to Be a Murder Victim
10) Flesh and Blood now: no longer made of plastic
9) He refused to treat Stone and one of these days he is going to pay
8) All other villains on the show too much beloved to kill off
7) Stefan not going to want trouble-maker Dorman mucking up the Masterplan
6) Keesha's going to find out he's the drug dealer and take the law into her own hands
5) "I slept with your wife" means "take my life, please" in Alan-speak
4) A.J. going to go on a drunk-driving spree one day and we can't think of anyone more appropriate than Dorman getting hit by a rolls-royce
3) Monica prepared to kill on the 51st crack about her age
2) They'll need something to do during February Sweeps
And the number one reason why Dorman is likely to be a murder victim:
1) OLTL preparing to offer Tuc million dollar deal to come back.

"But none of that really happened." -- Monica

November 18th 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Find Keesha Really Annoying
10) Barely knows Brenda but is willing to be her bridesmaid (Our best friend had to drag us kicking and screaming to be fitted for those bridesmaid's dresses)
9) Mistaking A.J.'s pathetically desperate attention for True Love
8) Criticizes the Q's lack of social conscience while she's eating their croissants
7) Before the day of the non-wedding it was "Lonny, Lonny who?"
6) Throws boring spell over everyone she's with
5) Expects everyone else to share a rabid interest she just picked up
4) Only limps when she thinks it might get her some sympathy
3) Mistaking Justus' guilt ridden angst for disinterested condescension
2) No appreciation for the Three Stooges
And the number one reason Keesha annoys us:
1) Comes with repulsive story line

"Aren't you going to do anything about this?"-- Keesha

1996 Thanksgiving Lists

November 27th 1996
Top Ten Things Sonny Has To Be Grateful For
10) Crime families still think he's funny
9) Lucy selling him back part of Luke's
8) Jason's brain-damage
7) Robin not in town to tell him to lay off Jax and Brenda
6) Good tailor
5) ELQ stock rising
4) Doing so well in the "best-looking" poll
3) Has no office he has to go to
2) SIDAR's and their permutations about to be declared illegal
And the number one thing that Sonny has to be grateful for:
1) Miranda IS up to something
"Maybe she wants her husband back." -- Sonny Corinthos

November 27th 1996
Top Ten Things Katherine Has To Be Grateful For
10) Quartermaines think she's funny now; have stopped trying to kill her
9) Mac still attached enough to have her over for the holidays
8) They don't sit her back by the kitchen at Luke's anymore
7) Lucy too busy to be bothered taking any revenge on Kathy
6) She's pretty good at pool
5) Nicholas' good for an intro to his eligible Uncle
4) Can refuse food now secure in the knowledge that she has enough money for the next meal
3) She doesn't look a bit like Kevin's mom
2) Miranda and Mac generate zero sparks
And the number one thing that Katherine has to be grateful for:
1) Justus IS still a bachelor

"You are jealous." -- Katherine

November 27th 1996
Top Ten Things Stefan Has To Be Grateful For
10) The rest of PC may not get his jokes, but Alexis thinks he's funny
9) Mrs. Lansbury not related to Cook
8) Only had to eat the one token meal at the Outback
7) Ferry to Windemere runs every fifteen minutes on the dot
6) Luke's been drinking the water two years longer than Stefan
5) One low monthly fee for his on-line service
4) Laura always ready to give him the benefit of the doubt
3) Nicholas hasn't seen a James Dean movie yet
2) Bobbie a sucker for that "kindred souls" line
And the number one thing Stefan has to be grateful for:
1) Quickie divorces

"She would be even lonelier than I am." -- Stefan

November 27th 1996
Top Ten Thing Kevin Has To Be Grateful For
10) The blossoming of his darker sense of humor
9) Blue jeans can now be daily wear
8) Lighthouse not taken away by lawsuits
7) Three breadmakers
6) Got to be involved in Stefan's storyline not Keesha's
5) Lucy not likely to bring up the "baby issue" for awhile
4) Felicia in a better mood
3) Alexis knows a B&E when she sees one
2) Mac too preoccupied to bother him with friendship obligations
And the number one thing Kevin has to be grateful for:
1) Big sale on art supplies
"You have what I need and I know where to find you." -- Kevin

December 2nd 1996
Top Ten Reasons Stefan Has For Marrying Bobbie
10) Afraid to face Nicholas' rebellious stage alone
9) Bosom fetish
8) Can't wait to see the expression on Laura's face
7) Mother will hate it
6) Masochist
5) Wants to put together his own personal medical staff
4) His idea of a joke
3) Alexis too closely related to marry
2) The world really does revolve around Luke
And the number one reason Stefan has for marrying Bobbie:
1) Insanity runs in the family... It practically gallops

"I've never proposed before; perhaps I didn't make myself clear." -- Stefan Cassadine

December 3rd 1996
Top Ten Reasons Emily is Unhappy
10) Price of weed skyrocketing
9) Alan's Sidney character no longer wears a bow tie
8) Not asked to perform in last Nurses' Ball
7) Cook left without preparing her box lunch for the next day
6) A.J. always wanting to try out his speeches on her
5) Alan sure to oppose butterfly formation for Christmas train set
4) Monica's only bonding method is clothes shopping
3) She's the only one in the family without ELQ stock
2) What good's a snowball if the family's buried in an avalanche
And the number one reason Emily is Unhappy:
1) Hormones

"I've always wanted to get a tattoo that says "Quartermaines Rule"— Emily (Nightmare version)

December 3rd 1996
Sonny's Top Ten Pieces of Advice
10) Dump em
9) Don't order the cheese fries
8) Musical instrumnets should be treated with care
7) Put em on a leash
6) Get out of my face
5) Cut him some slack
4) Make sure she gets everything she needs from you
3) Marinate and bake at 350
2) A picture is worth a thousand words
And Sonny's number one piece of advice:
1) All right, don't listen to me

"The mooseburgers are ready." — Sonny (nightmare version)

Dec 14th 1996
Top Ten Signs Your New Husband Is Insane
10) Not just chewing the scenery; pawing it, too
9) Bursts into tears whenever baklava is mentioned
8) Concocts elaborate video games instead of sending a candygram
7) Sabotages hospitals just so he can save them
6) Readily admits to being peculiar
5) Gives large checks to Keesha Ward
4) Been heard to say, "Mother isn't... herself this evening"
3) Uses the word "alas" on a regular basis
2) Thinks his sister was kidnapped by a UFO
And the number one sign your new husband is insane:
1) He married you

"I hardly knew the woman." -- Stefan

December 14th 1996
Top Ten Barriers To A Stefan/Katherine Relationship

10) Mac liable to be territorial even if he doesn't want her anymore
9) Stefan thinking of having "Lasha" tattooed on his chest
8) Katherine unlikely to be able to spell Cassadine
7) Stefan will refuse to eat fried chicken in bed
6) He's a Greek Orthodox; she worships herself
5) Katherine won't settle for six million
4) Nicholas isn't very good at sharing
3) Katherine really bad at video games and chess
2) Bobbie's amazing double standard for fidelity in a marriage
And the number one barrier to a Stefan/Katherine relationship:
1) Katherine's fondness for Garlic

"I haven't even met the "evil Uncle". Katherine Bell

Chrismas Wish Lists

December 24th 1996
Top Ten Things Carly Wants For Christmas
10) Potted plant for depressing little patio
9) Less sneers when she punches in at the hospital
8) Crate of oranges from adoptive mom, Virginia
7) A kind word from Jason
6) Tens and twenties
5) Computer and an on-line account so she has something to do when Tony isn't home
4) Tickle Me Elmo
3) Bobbie's millionaire husband convicted of attempted murder
2) Beef stick
And the number one thing that Carly wants for Christmas
1) Half as much screen-time as Bobbie gets

"We'll put the star up together." -- Carly

December 24th 1996
Top Ten Things Alexis Wants For Christmas
10) Boxed set of Perry Mason videos
9) Dara's job
8) Dose of repartee with Luke
7) Warm fuzzy hug from Nickolas
6) A real court case
5) Chocolate anything
4) To "work" with Kevin
3) No more silly Stefan
2) Wake for Helena
And the number one thing Alexis wants for Christmas
1) A real love interest

"As your lawyer, I'd advise against it." -- Alexis

December 24th 1996
Top Ten Things Emily Wants For Christmas
10) Another season's ticket to the Opera
9) Lois to come home
8) New set of clothes for her taller figure
7) That hunky Nickolas to flirt with her
6) Everyone pretend to be normal for the day
5) A bong
4) Absolute Power over the toy train set up
3) Lucky to acknowledge her existence
2) Jason to understand that "trimming the tree" doesn't mean lopping off all the branches
And the number one thing that Emily wants for Christmas
1) Some attention for a change

"All right I'll leave." -- Emily

December 24th 1996
Top Ten Things Brenda Wants For Christmas
10) Larger prescription
9) Sonny
8) Life size version of her toy-ship
7) Jax
6) Bonus from Lucy for a job undone
5) Both Sonny and Jax?
4) Miranda's public humiliation
3) Well then how about Ned?
2) A course in how to run a breadmaker
And the number one thing Brenda wants for Christmas
1) Brain activity

"You don't care do you?" -- Brenda


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