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May 1997 - August 1997

Wally Kurth


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May 1997
Top Ten Reasons Jax Is Better Off Without Brenda
10) No excuse for Ned to just drop in
9) Can sharpen conversational skills by using words of more than one syllable
8) Less risk of infectious diseases
7) Tons more closet space
5) Opportunity to get rid of that unused breadmaker
6) Not so much explaining to do
5) Endless romantic possibilities
4) Can leave the toilet seat up
3) No mobsters hanging around
2) Can watch "The Flinstones" all he wants now
And number one reason Jax is better off without Brenda:
1) He's gay

"I've been doing a lot of thinking." -- Jax

May 1997
Miranda's Top Ten Mistakes
10) Getting on a plane with Sonny
9) Attending weddings without an invitation
8) Encouraging Mac's delusion that he's Australian
7) Not getting a job
6) Not blurting out that she was a Cassadine before it was too late
5) That hair-do
4) Taking advice from Katherine on Men and Clothes
3) Using Brenda's tactics, less her charm
2) Turned Lucy's sylistic noveau decorated apartment into a tasteless Euro-trash statement
And Miranda's number one mistake:
1) Jax

"I just remembered something." -- Miranda

May 16th 1997
Top Ten Signs That Stefan is Slow
10) When he smiles evilly to himself it's because he just got that joke he heard last summer
9) Always tells Nik he's busy when Nik asks for help with his math homework
8) Waited fifteen years to implement his "Masterplan"
7) Thinks Katherine is charming
6) Isn't the least bit afraid of Bobbie
5) Didn't notice that damn Egg was missing for over a year
4) Considers matching wits with Luke a challenge
3) Always saying "What is the function of this device?" where ever he goes in the hospital
2) No matter when he leaves Luke gets there ahead of him
And the number one sign that Stefan is slow:
1) Can't even spell "set-up"

"Forgive me. I'm slow." -- Stefan

May 16th 1997
Top Ten Advantages to Having Lucy as Your Best Friend
10) She'll eat anything you don't finish
9) Clairvoyant stock market tips
8) Lucy's friends fly first class
7) She never thinks anything you do is weird
6) Won't hesitate to tell you if you're going out with a jerk
5) Complimentary Jax Cosmetics
4) Chance to Ducky-sit Sigmund
3) Free ticket to the Nurses' Ball, as long as you volunteer to be her dresser
2) None of those awkward long silences
And the number one advantage to having Lucy as your best friend:
1) She'll bail you out

"We make a great team." -- Lucy

May 27th 1997
Top Ten Reasons Jax Should Date a Policewoman
10) Free donuts
9) Might irritate Mac a little
8) Can't date any of the Police Men, they're all too involved with Sonny
7) Will do that cute thing where she "reads him his rights" before they make love
6) Balances out that suspected-drug-lord stigma
5) Police escort whenever he goes to the airport
4) She can protect him from all his loopy exes
3) She'll let him use the siren
2) World's Best Alibi
And the number one reason Jax should date a Policewoman:
1) One word: Handcuffs

"Let me see your license and registration." -- Trooper V.

May 27th 1997
Top Ten Things Sonny and Brenda Have to Do to Make Their Relationship Work
10) Sonny has to promise not to eat oysters
9) More closet space
8) Couple's Counseling
7) She has to try to accept "none of your beeswax" as a valid response to her questions
6) Be careful with pets
5) One of them has to change their name to alliterate (Bobby and Brenda or Sonny and Sarah)
4) No sleeping with other people (It's a toughy)
3) Restraining order to keep her out of the kitchen
2) Cover up all the sharp corners and wall sockets in his apartment
And the number one thing that Sonny and Brenda have to do to make their relationship work:
1) "Nobody thinks"

"What about "nobody leaves?"" -- Brenda
"Nobody left, we just let go." -- Jax

June 10th 1997
Top Ten Reasons Stefan fired Kevin
10) Because he didn't go to Arizona and help pick out software with Bobbie
9) Repeated humming of Que Sera Sera
8) Whenever Stefan started with one of his boring lectures Kevin would get that slightly psycho look in his eyes
7) Unscheduled trips to England and France
6) Kevin unable to stop chuckling whenever Stefan said "alas"
5) Juggling the faberge eggs
4) Kevin insisted on calling the ferry to spoon island "that little rowboat"
3) Stefan allergic to ducks
2) Mrs. Lansbury tired of fighting the attraction
And the number one reason Stefan fired Kevin:
1) Internet bills went sky-high

"You can't fire me I quit! " -- Hermie the Elf

June 14th 1997
Top Ten Reasons Garcia Came Back to Port Charles

10) Knew people were leaving for that other soap, thought that might leave a bigger part for him
9) New Taggert couldn't carry the Sonny-annoying duties all by himself
8) Horrified they had made Jagger a detective in the same State
7) Can't miss the Nurses' Ball
6) Officer Johnson's pathetic pleas
5) Two words: Police Commissioner
4) There's another crime demanding not to be solved
3) That night-time strip job just wasn't paying the rent
2) Didn't make the cut as intern at GH
And the number one reason Garcia came back to Port Charles:
1) Sonny needs him

"Believe me, I want him just as bad as you do." -- Garcia

June 27th 1997
Top Ten Reasons Ned and Alexis Will Make a Good Couple
10) Matching stretch limos
9) He can teach her to play tennis
8) They can swap grisly stories of boarding school traumas
7) A mutual interest in leather goods
6) She could save him a fortune in legal fees
5) Honesty not an issue (there won't be any)
4) She can show him how to fill up ice cube trays
3) He's rich. She's rich. It's fate.
2) Extreme shortage of mates in their age group
And the number one reason Ned and Alexis will make a good couple:
1) Alexis is accustomed to sharks

"He said there were sharks in the water." -- Alexis Davis

The-Things-They-Should-Know Lists

July 12th 1997
(1 of 5)
Top Ten Things Alexis Should Know About Ned
10) Still thinks about Monica and haystacks fondly
9) Changes wives once every five years
8) Mother is a holy terror
7) His word of honor isn't worth the paper it isn't written on
6) Sometimes breaks into "Seventh Son" while making love
5) Favorite Disney movie: Pocahantos
4) Has already been a part of a supercouple. Lightning seldom strikes twice
3) If she married him she might one day be Lady Ashton
2) Wants to be just like Edward
And the number one thing Alexis should know about Ned:
1) No conscience

"All we have to do is wait." -- Ned

(2 of 5)
Top Ten Things Stefan Should Know About Katherine
10) Still thinks blackmail is okay
9) Changes personalities depending on who she's with at the moment
8) Uncle Rex is a holy terror
7) Occasionally forgets and signs things "Katherine Crawford"
6) Sometimes eats fried chicken while making love
5) Favorite Disney movie: Cinderella
4) Eager to become a part of the anti-supercouple
3) Rest of the Cassadines will snigger at her
2) Wants to be just like Eva Peron
And the number one thing Stefan should know about Katherine
1) No brains

"Maybe we'll have a new outsider soon." -- Stefan

(3 of 5)
Top Ten Things Sarah Should Know About Lucky
10) Still thinks modems don't need to be connected
9) Not planning on changing hair style
8) Dad's "plans" are a holy terror
7) Forges dad's signature with crayon
6) Says "let's not go there" when you bring up the subject of sex
5) Favorite Disney Movie: Lion King
4) Destined to be a supercouple with Emily... one day
3) Spencers don't consider you cool till you committ your first crime
2) Wants to be just like Luke
And the number one thing Sarah should know about Lucky:
1) No manners

"Anger and hatred are not very attractive qualities." -- Sarah

(4 of 5)
Top Ten Things Carly Should Know About A.J.
10) Still thinks being a Quartermaine means never having to say you're sorry
9) Changes entire appearance once every five years
8) Cousin Ned is a holy terror
7) Magic Marker birthmark
6) It's not the first time he forgot he's been with a girl
5) Favorite Disney Movie: Dumbo
4) He's not supercouple material
3) You're not a real Quartermaine until you've been suspected of murder
2) Wants to be just like Bill Gates
And the number one thing Carly should know about A.J.:
1) No spine

"One day I'll remember everything about that night." -- A.J.

Number five is a Port Charles List and may be found on our Port Charles Top Ten Lists page.

August 19th 1997
Top Ten Things Alan Has Learned In The Last Twenty Years
10) There's a reason for building codes
9) Don't hide the body on the property
8) How to line dance
7) Giving to Charity can be quite rewarding
6) What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander
5) Bobbie about as exciting as an endocrinologist
4) Marriage to Lucy Coe is very stressful
3) Parenting skills not inborn
2) Pizza is the perfect food
And the number one thing Alan has learned in the last twenty years:
1) Monica is the only woman willing to put up with him permanently

"I haven't tried to kill you in fifteen years." -- Alan

Top Ten Things Monica Has Learned In The Last Twenty Years
10) If you don't want someone to know, don't write it in your Diary
9) Check ID before rolling in the hay with a guy
8) Illegitmate kids are cute too
7) Sean Donnely's "Private Detective" schtick just a ploy to get babes
6) Professional dress more appropriate for a heart surgeon than jeans and tight tops
5) Bobbie believes that best friends should share everything
4) Never have a fling with a guy named "Pierce"
3) Cacti don't need to be watered
2) Rick spelled his name with a silent "P"
And the number one thing Monica has learned in the last twenty years:
1) Alan is the only man willing to put up with her permanently

"He remembers when he was thinner, not when he was younger." -- Monica

August 31st 1997
Top Ten Holes In Carly's Plan
10) Tony planning on counting those pills tomorrow
9) Lee apparently not big about keeping AA meeting secrets
8) Bobbie has no life
7) All those darn 'strangers are dangerous' lectures kids get nowadays
6) Being able to lift A.J. into the laundry cart reveals another VR Trooper power
5) There's going to be a birthmark the size of Montana on that Baby's arm
4) No corndogs
3) A.J.'s memory of his blackout only aided, by hugs kisses and desperately friendly advice
2) KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid
And the number one hole in Carly's plan:
1) It's a Spencer Plan

"I know what you were trying to do," -- A.J. Quartermaine

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