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September 1993 - December 1993
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The list below was written the night David Letterman's Late Show premiered on CBS and his first top ten list there inspired this New Writers list.

Top Ten Ways The New Writers Will Make GH A Better Show
10) Write teens out
9) No more relying on idiotic banter between Mac and Felicia (unless they're really stuck)
8) Their new "rappin'" Steve Hardy character
7) Not inhaling smog in Los Angeles means they have that many more brain cells
6) If we, the audience, applaud them loud enough, everyone gets a brand new Jon Lindstrom character
5) No more pressure to pick up Days of Our Lives refugees
4) Jagger tries to reunite his family, begins a boxing career, sleeps with Bre....Oh no, that's what they're cutting out
3) Shelley Curtis being eased out
2) Every Friday Ryan or his twin has the cliffhanger
And the number one way the new writers will make GH a better show:
1) It's a whole new wardrobe for Felicia

Those were the days; Tiff was catatonic, Ned was only into minor wickedness and Sonny hadn't a grain of decency. What's not to make fun of?

Top Ten Signs These Peoples' New Jobs in Port Charles Aren't Working Out
10) Karen (Stripper) - Crowd yelling "put it back on"
9) Jason (Candy Striper) - Uniform doesn't fit quite right
8) Katherine (Deception Publicist) - Grocery bills still larger than paycheck
7) Lucy (Gestation Host) - People won't take her seriously; keep telling her it's hormones
6) A.J. (Hotel Clerk) - Twelve rooms, twelve vacancies
5) Felicia (Detective) - Hard to keep a low profile when you're constantly in the news. (We suggest Monica's trick with the nose and glasses)
4) Lee Baldwin (Law Partner) - Rhonda keeps hiding his putter
3) Brenda (Deception Model) - Can't suck down milk shakes with Jagger anymore
2) Jon Russell (Ryan's Lawyer) - Babes in Port Charles inexplicably unimpressed
And the number one sign this person's new job is not working out:
1) Jessica Holmes (Assistant D.A.) - Office nickname "cadaver"

Top Ten Things That Will Cheer Up Tiffany
10) Jessica's murder gets higher ratings for her station than Ryan's trial
9) Manicurist and Hairdresser will make hospital visits
8) All-you-can-eat uppers
7) Offered guest spot on Hee Haw
6) Sean in a groveling mood; will do anything she asks
5) Gets fan letter from someone who saw her old porno flick
4) Lucas becomes a teenager overnight and Bobbie still has custody
3) Mac and Felicia's puppet show closed down by safety inspectors
2) Two words: Emmy nomination
And the number one thing that would cheer up Tiffany:
1) Ryan gets more screen time

Ned's Top Ten List of Places to Tell Paul, Tracy Went
10) Timbuktu
9) El Paso
8) San Sebastian
7) Bermuda Triangle
6) Sarajevo
5) Cleveland
4) Nearest active volcano
3) Hell (check it out, Paul)
2) New Jersey
And the number one place Ned will tell Paul, Tracy Went:
1) Mars (somewhere with that probe thing)

Thankfully Mac and Felicia aren't a couple anymore, but at one time they were accusing our Guy of terrible crimes. The old writers were going out with a whimper with the awful "Monica fakes having a lover" storyline.

Felicia and Mac's Top Ten Silly Theories
10) Bothering people qualifies you as a detective
9) If Mac uses his accent once a week, he won't lose his
Australian citizenship
8) If you don't know who the fingerprints belong to, they belong to anyone you say
7) Inane chatter is worth a few thousand bucks a week
6) Friendship means never having to say "I'll pick up the check"
5) Go with your instincts
4) Romance is the art of aggravating someone within an inch of insanity
3) Nightclubs have a life of their own and don't need employees to run them
2) Ryan's grocery list is evidence he's a serial killer
And Mac and Felicia's number one silly theory:
1) Jessica was murdered by moths...left-handed moths

Top Ten Reasons Mac and Felicia Suspect Ryan of Jessica's Murder
10) They know PC police department is dumber 'n dirt. Ryan
could easily get past them
9) Ryan so much more intelligent than Mac and Felicia, they think he's magic
8) Played Barney the Dinosaur's theme backwards and heard "Ryan did it. Drink your milk."
7) Felicia called the Psychic Friends hotline and they said so
6) A giant and a dwarf appeared to Mac in a dream and told him Ryan did it
5) They just missed him and wanted him to be on screen
4) They read it in "The Star"
3) They watch "Murder, She Wrote" so they know the best actor usually committs the murder (that would be Ryan)
2) Just the first in a long list of people they'll suspect with absolutely no evidence
And the number one reason Mac and Felicia suspect Ryan of Jessica's murder:
1) They did it and are just trying to throw suspicion off of themselves

Top Ten Reasons Monica Is Acting Like A Total Moron
10) Just trying to live up to that Quartermaine reputation
9) Whatever it is that Bobbie has is catching
8) No use trying to set a good example for the boys
7) Upset she no longer has the energy to go out and have a real affair
6) Monica thinks Alan wants a woman of Rhonda's intelligence
5) Tony has been conducting brain drain experiments. Monica just
another victim. (Guess the other victims)
4) Not the real Monica at all. The real Monica was kidnapped by
Reginald (actually an evil mastermind) and replaced
3) Years of Alan squeezing the tube of toothpaste in the middle finally
drove her over the edge
2) Knows acting silly gets her more screen time
And the number one reason Monica is acting like a total moron:
1) She's a blonde

Pure Soap had just started and Jon Lindstrom was a guest during the first week. It must have been Karma or something. Jon's number one fan (and now major stockholder) Lynelle was the lucky person who got through on the phone to ask him a question. I believe it was "Shouldn't Audrey be warned since Ryan is going to escape from custody?" (For The umpteenth time: muffin incident.)

September 1993
Top Ten Stipulations in Jagger's Boxing Contract
10) He doesn't have to act; that's Marco's Job
9) Girl of his choice hanging on ropes by his corner
8) No spittin' in the gym
7) English interpreter on request
6) The face; don't touch the face
5) 70/30 split; Marco's favor
4) The party of the first part will be at Kelly's; Casual dress, free drinks
3) Contract is void if Marco should have to leave town suddenly
2) Contract is void if Jagger says "duh" one more time
And the number one stipulation in Jagger's contract:
1) Sanity Clause (You can't fool him, there's no Sanity Clause.)

October 1993
Top Ten Things Lynelle Really Wanted To Say To Jon Lindstrom on Pure Soap
10) What about that orderly? The one that was eating one of those muffins
9) Did you know we've all left Prodigy and gone over to NVN?
8) Don't forget to bring the mistletoe when you come for Christmas dinner
7) How about a September/May romance...on the show?
6) Pizza/Pool party, October 18th, your place
5) What kind of tree would you like to be?
4) Explain the pythagorean theorem
3) Why did you do that awful movie with Kirk Cameron?
2) What's Antonio Sabato Jr. really like?
And the number one thing Lynelle really wanted to say to Jon Lindstrom on Pure Soap: 1) How about them Phillies?

November 1993
Top Ten Plots Ryan Has To Escape
10) Imaginary Confederate mounts frontal assault while he slips out the back
9) Invite orderly in for a muffin
8) Has a case of dynamite hidden in the baseboard; should
make a pretty big whole in the wall
7) Has Jon Russell smuggle him out in his briefcase
6) Tells Felicia it would make Mac jealous if she helped him to escape
5) Puts knock out gas in ventilation system of hospital, but plan fails when he lets himself fall asleep next to a pretty blonde
4) Shoots an arrow out the window with a note attached, "Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am being forced to marry against my will,"
and hope a knight picks it up.
3) Jenny Eckert straps on Rambo gear and rescues him
2) Point and escape while the guards are looking in other direction
And the number one plot Ryan has to escape:
1) Wait until the ratings go down and the powers that be arrange his escape


Kevin arrived in town on December 3rd. Needless to say this event required a couple of lists. Back then was also the beginning of the Ray Conway fiasco. Luke and Laura had also been around a couple of months, but it doesn't seem to have inspired any lists.

November 31st 1993
Top Ten Reasons Ryan's Twin Won't Enjoy His Stay in Port Charles: Part deux
10) New dessert special at Kelly's, "Fish-heads w/ hot fudge" (eat 'em up, yum!)
9) Quartermaine Cable Co. does not get Sci-Fi Channel, (but does get twenty-four hour Felicia channel)
8) Has to move into Brenda's old room. Forced to work at Kelly's everytime Jagger and Karen have a personal crisis
7) Police Commissioner wants him to confess to Lindbergh kidnapping
6) Three words: Hospital Cafeteria Food
5) Katherine about to go on eating binge. Anyone could get hurt
4) Ned won't let him play drums in his new band
3) Felicia going Christmas caroling this year
2) Mac Scorpio too dumb to tell the difference between Ryan and Kevin. Might grab his lapels. (Encore Reason)
And the number one reason Ryan's Twin Won't Enjoy His Stay in Port Charles:
1) Steve Hardy still has sixty days before Brady Bill takes effect

December 1993
Top Ten Reasons We Like Kevin/Reasons Mac doesn't like Kevin
10) Good clothes sense / Dresses like a Preppie
9) His eyes twinkle / Felicia eyes twinkle when she looks at Kevin
8) Excellent Vocabulary / Uses lots of big words
7) Got Felicia to be quiet for one minute / Mac can't get Felicia to be quiet for one minute
6) Non-violent attitude / Made Mac look like a Neanderthal
5) Sarcastic / Says one thing but means another
4) Classy guy / Possible sociopath
3) Intelligent / Smartaleck
2) Sense of Humor / Don't get his jokes
And the number one reason we like Kevin / Reason Mac doesn't like Kevin:
1) He looks just like Ryan / He looks just like Ryan

Top Ten Places Alan Thought of Hiding Ray's Body
10) Port Charles Hotel; No, they've already had a dead body this year
9) Kelly's; They'd think it was the food
8) The catacombs; Very popular with corpses this season
7) The Brownstone attic; a perfect tenant for Bobbie. Dead people don't use up all the hot water
6) Quartermaine mansion; disguised as a lamp stand
5) General Hospital elevator; and then push all the buttons
4) The Outback; just another satisfied customer
3) Police Station; they'd never notice
2) PCU Up-chuckers Football Field; tackling dummy
And the number one place Alan thought of hiding Ray's body
1) ELQ; The family business, they'll never find it there

Ah, ha, the first list we had that mentioned the Spencers. This was when Laura had just bought the house. (Gee, the real estate guy didn't tell her about the special bonus body that came with the place.) Jagger was still around to ridicule and Kevin did that for us to Mac.

Top Ten Really Cool Trick's Lucky could play on Aunt Bobbie Before They Move
10) Tell Lucas about the tooth beaver
9) Write her number on the restroom wall at the Outback
8) Rearrange all her dishes
7) Place ad in paper; Rooms available for serial killers and other social outcasts
6) Hold formal dinner; under table
5) Play Rick Springfield records over and over
4) Order a dozen large pizzas; let Aunt Bobbie pay for them
3) Suggest to Felicia she go Christmas caroling
2) Find eight really hairy spiders; put them in her bed
And the number one really cool trick Lucky could play on Aunt Bobbie before they move:
1) Tip Ryan off about who stole the picture of his mother

Top Ten Reasons We Think Mac Is More Intelligent Than Jagger
10) Mac has recognizable vital signs (breathing, etc.)
9) Mac is vaguely familiar with American and Australian dialects; two more than Jagger knows
8) Mac can make coffee (or is at least familiar with the procedure); Jagger confused by tea bags
7) Mac can fly a plane; still trying to explain to Jagger what a plane is
6) Mac has a diploma from a Tazmanian Correspondence school; Jagger still trying to figure out what G.E.D. stands for
5) Mac knows wrestling is really fake; Jagger keeps picture of Hulk Hogan on his wall
4) Mac knows approximate locations of major constellations; Jagger has real trouble grasping the Copernican theory
3) Mac can tell when Felicia's angry at him; Jagger still doesn't know Brenda's gone
2) Mac now walking upright
And the number one reason we think Mac is more intelligent than Jagger:
1) Who isn't?

Top Ten Comebacks Mac Thought of In The Middle Of The Night To Reply to Kevin's Insults
10) Oh, yeah
9) I'm rubber and your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you
8) Call him a conceited, overeducated Europhile; and dare to say it to his face this time
7) Yeah, well, I bet you don't know how to shear a sheep
6) My brother was the police commissioner
5) Yo' mama
4) Well, I've got a Swiss army knife
3) Felicia; sure she's cute, but have you heard her sing
2) I know you are, but what am I
And the number one comeback Mac thought of in the middle of the night to reply to Kevin's insults:
1) Oh to hell with it; I'll just punch him again

GH was really starting to improve noticeably at this point as the last traces of the old writers storylines began to disappear. The second list here was the
first one we posted on R.A.T.S. We had been adding quotes on for awhile, but this is the first one we left on the record.

Top Ten Things Ryan Doesn't Like About the Institution
10) They always serve muffins for dessert; not Felicia's recipe, but nearly as deadly
9) Really poor reception on 24 hour Felicia Channel
8) Doctors have no sense of humor: didn't appreciate knife through the "Wheaties" joke
7) Psychiatric journals the hospital subscribes to keep spelling his name wrong
6) Heating hasn't worked properly since Felicia and Mac crawled through the ducts
5) No wacky tie day
4) They don't screen visitors well enough
3) Jimmy is assigned to his ward and he's beginning to look interested
2) Felicia seems to have lost the address
And the number one thing Ryan doesn't like about the institution:
1) Crayons don't come in enough colors

Top Ten Reasons We Really Like General Hospital Now
10) Scotty found his brain (so he's leaving)
9) Ned sings; Felicia doesn't
8) Antonio going after a movie career (Good luck!)
7) Tiffany in a much better mood (By the way, has anyone seen Tiffany)
6) Mac and Felicia no longer argue about sleeping together (now, if only they would stop talking to each other entirely)
5) Marco just made his monthly appearance: might indicate an actual storyline
4) Reginald back on: might indicate a Christmas paycheck for him
3) Monica and Alan now pulling together (Okay, so it's to cover up manslaughter)
2) Luke and Laura set screen aflame
And the number one reason we really like General Hospital now:
1) Ryan AND Kevin

"I've heard of 'physician heal thyself', but that's ridiculous."-- Ryan Chamberlain

In the spirit of the season we wrote a few Christmas lists in December of 93.

Top Ten Port Charles Residents on Santa's Naughty List
10) Katherine: for not letting Scott, or us, forget Dom
9) Lucy: Who needs Santa when you've got Scott's credit card and the home shopping network
8) Sean: Folding, spindling and mutilating history
7) Damian: Robbing the blind (i.e. Quartermaines)
6) Ned: Sexual harassment fraud
5) Bobbie: Incredibly fake screaming
4) Mac: For impersonating an Australian and a Detective
3) Ruby: The Christmas Special at Kelly's
2) Kevin: startling unwary citizens
And the number one Port Charles Resident on Santa's naughtly list:
1) Felicia: singing "Here Comes Santa Claus" in public

"I know what hurts my ears."-- Ned Ashton

Top Ten Things Overheard At The ELQ Christmas Party
10) Christmas bonus; the usual one dollar check from Edward
9) Yes, Mr. Ashton, I'm behind you 100%
8) Lila's here; pop in that "Sound of Music" tape
7) Yes, Mr. Smith, I'm behind you 100%
6) Wonderful fake snow we're having this year
5) You mean they only found one body?
4) Yes, Mr. Quartermaine, I'm behind you 100%
3) Bill Eckert? Was he a stockholder?
2) Sing Jingle Bell Rock again, Ned
And the number one thing overheard at the ELQ Christmas Party:
1) Somehow I don't think a savings bond looks quite right as a Christmas tree topper

"The wool of the black sheep is just as warm." Sister Margaretta Ep (Anna Lee) -- Sound of Music

Top Ten Things Kevin Could Get Ryan For Christmas
10) Star Trek: The Next Generation pro-tape of "Data/Lore" episode
9) Crayons (box of 128; all the colors)
8) Fruitcake with file inside (the trick is finding something that will cut the fruit cake)
7) Felicia with a strategically placed bow and tag
6) How about that thirty percent of the Outback
5) Commemorative fire engine and red blocks
4) Letter from Axl Rose asking if he can use Ryan's song
3) One pound of quality Lithium
2) Not muffins; anything but muffins
And the number one thing Kevin could get Ryan for Christmas
1) An Emmy

"He has demons, but they can be faced and conquered."-- Dr. Kevin Collins

Top Ten Things Jagger Wants For Christmas
10) A better lawyer
9) A sturdy non-slip key ring
8) New apron (old one frayed from being thrown down so much)
7) Karen
6) No, Brenda
5) Brenda and Karen to stop and explain things slowly
4) Ear muffs
3) Uh, Karen
2) No, no, Brenda
And the number one thing Jagger wants for Christmas:
1) World Peace

"I can't figure it out."-- Jagger

Top Ten Port Charles Residents on Santa's Nice List
10) Laura: For putting up with Bobbie's "hospitality"
9) Kevin: For rendering Felicia speechless
8) Marco: For minding his own business
7) Karen: For giving up stripping (thank goodness)
6) Lila: For no longer running over pigeons with her wheelchair
5) Luke: For fidelity in the face of overwhelming temptation
4) Tony: For putting up with Bobbie all the time
3) Lucy: For valiantly trying to serve as Scott's substitute brain. (Yes, she's made all of Santa's lists)
2) Brenda: Well, she's friendly.
And the number one Port Charles Resident on Santa's Nice List:
1) Ryan: Santa was too intimidated to leave him off

"My God, man, you're dry. Can't you see the humor in anything."
-- Ryan Chamberlain

Mac Scorpio's Top Ten Macho Guidelines For the Christmas Season
10) Give everyone Outback placemats: real men don't shop
9) Go to forest, cut down pine tree.... with a butter knife
8) Put up Xmas lights that spell out "Bud Light" across the roof
7) Eat Christmas cookie dough... raw
6) Have shot gun ready when reindeer fly over
5) Drink egg nog out of a dirty glass
4) Put Christmas wreath on door, pound in nail... with your head
3) Take it like a man when you learn the news about Santa Claus
2) Open presents... don't save bows
And Mac Scorpio's number one macho guideline for the Christmas season
1) No singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas", wearing elf costume, eating swiss cheese omelettes, drinking snooty french wine, watching "The Nutcracker" (that's a
ballet), agreeing to help with the dinner dishes, admitting how much you hate football and letting Felicia carve the ham... unless she's really set on it.

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