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January 1994 - March 1994
Cari Shayne

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This was our first "series" of lists, written, obviously, around the new year. Jagger and Karen were still around. It took forever to get rid of those two.

Jagger's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Learn entire alphabet
9) Find out how Ruby makes toast
8) Launch movie career under guise of going to police academy
7) Tell Brenda how sorry he is for whatever it is he did
6) Get every episode of "Barney The Dinosaur" on tape
5) Don't kill anybody this year (even A.J.)
4) Tell Karen how sorry he is for whatever it is he did
3) Try to work his whole shift at Kelly's
2) Get tips from Sean on which end of the gun to hold
And Jagger's number one New Year's Resolution
1) Save the Rain Forests

"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out."-- Jagger

Mac's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Re-read boy scout handbook
9) Find out how garbage disposal works
8) Hide old "Werewolf" tapes so Felicia doesn't find out before marriage
7) Tell Felicia how sorry he is for whatever it is he did
6) Get every episode of "Inspector Gadget" on tape
5) Don't kill anybody this year (even Ryan)
4) Practice fidelity
3) Try to remember he has a neice
2) Get tips from Brenda on how to conduct an investigation
And Mac's number one New Year's Resolution:
1) Brush up on vocabulary for verbal matches with Kevin

"If Felicia wants to fly, she's got me to help her."-- Mac

Ryan's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Query publishers about new autobiography
9) Find out how to achieve depth effect with finger paints
8) Stop tormenting Doctors with difficult word scrambles
7) Tell Felicia how sorry he is for whatever it is he did
6) Get every episode of "Twin Peaks" on tape
5) Don't kill anybody this year (even Mac or Felicia or Sean or....)
4) Look up "obsession" in the dictionary
3) Try to stop making all those silly false confessions
2) Get tips from Kevin on how to make a good first impression
And Ryan's number one New Year's resolution:
1) Finish play-dough sculpture of rose-covered cottage for Felicia

"Isn't she dangerous?"-- Ryan

Alan's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Get little 911 tags for telephones in the mansion
9) Find out what happened to the real Edward
8) Get around to watching the end of the "Perry Mason" movie; still don't know who done it
7) Tell Monica how sorry he is for whatever it is he did
6) Get every episode of "The Fugitive" on tape
5) Don't kill anybody this year (he has enough trouble with last year's murder)
4) Stop flirting with all the babes at the hospital
3) Try to make time for Medical practice
2) Get tips from Ryan on how to cover up a murder
And Alan's number one New Year's resolution:
1) Cut back on the macaroni and cheese

"All you need is a healthy instinct for survival."-- Alan Quartermaine

Felicia's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Give old Harlequin romance books to Bobbie (warn Tony)
9) Find out how EPT pregnancy test works
8) Send wedding invitation to Frisco
7) Tell Mac he's forgiven for whatever it is he did
6) Get every episode of "The Avengers" on tape
5) Don't kill anybody this year (even Mac)
4) Voice Lessons (even if they cost a fortune)
3) Try to keep Mac away from expresso machine
2) Get tips from Lucy on how to plan a wedding (and a divorce)
And Felicia's number one New Year's resolution:
1) Stop spiking the baked goods

"Hey, baby, get me a beer."-- Felicia

Brenda's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Walk into Quartermaine mansion with "War and Peace" (scare A.J.)
9) Find out Julia's PIN number; go on shopping spree
8) Go see new Prince (or whatever his symbol is) movie; tell everyone how it ends
7) Tell Jagger he's forgiven for whatever it is he did and then make stuff up (he'll never know)
6) Get every episode of "Baywatch" on tape
5) Don't kill anybody (even if Lila puts her in the will)
4) Reveal to Reginald her passionate desire for him
3) Try to keep Lila away from the Cuisinart
2) Get tips from Felicia on how to snag a neanderthal
And Brenda's number one New Year's resolution:
1) Start dating within her own species

"I don't need an excuse."-- Brenda

Ned's Top Ten New Year's Resolution
10) Figure out some place to hide Rolling Stone Magazine when his picture
comes out on the cover
9) Find out if AT&T has a special plan for long distance calls to Buffalo
8) Don't date relatives (from any show)
7) Tell Lois he's sorry for whatever it is he'll do
6) Get every episode of "The Monkees" on tape
5) Don't kill A.J. (even though he deserves it)
4) Wait until second date to fall in bed with a girl (and always remember condoms*)
3) Try to stop humming Springsteen at board meetings
2) Get tips from KatyBell on how to lead a double life
And Ned's number one New Year's Resolution:
1) Don't think about sex or business for five minutes (okay, don't think)


"One man's trouble is another man's challenge"-- Ned

*Our Top Ten Public Service announcement.

When Brenda had her amusing and suggestive bubble bath fantasies, casting various men in her life; we were inspired to convey the bathing daydreams of other GH characters.

Amy's Top Ten Bubble Bath Fantasies
10) Scrubbing up in the bubble bath with that sexy Doctor Tony Jones
9) Steve Hardy walks in and gives her a raise
8) Blackie, finally released from Prison and Full House, visits her in the tub
7) Paramedic boyfriend performs mouth to mouth
6) Roommates stay around long enough to pay the rent
5) Actually making interactive video with Beavis and Butthead
4) Blondes get extra tax break this year
3) Champagne, caviar and young hunk Jason Quartermaine
2) What if she had gone on that date with Ryan
And Amy's number one bubble bath fantasy:
1) Bobbie is killed by gangsters and Amy becomes head nurse

"You know he actually asked me out once."-- Amy

Jason's Top Ten Bubble Bath Fantasies
10) Soaking in the tub with Lucy Coe
9) Waterpik gets teeth completely clean
8) Brenda comes in for a tylenol and Jason can't quite manage to fight her off
7) Moira and he discuss "Romeo and Juliet" in the bubbles
6) Mom, Dad and A.J. continue to leave him in the dark
5) He becomes Cher's newest boy toy
4) Admitted to Medical School...in another country
3) Champagne, caviar and that cute little nurse Amy
2) No one ever finds out about the affair he had with Jenny while she was living in the gatehouse
And Jason's number one bubble bath fantasy:
1) Jagger convicted of manslaughter in Karen's accidental hot chocolate poisoning

"Can I put this down now?"-- Jason

Tony's Top Ten Bubble Bath Fantasies
10) Scrubbing up in the bubble bath with that sexy nurse Amy Vining
9) Steve Hardy walks in and gives him a raise
8) Divorce from Lucy not legal; she comes in to give him the good news
7) Laura leaves Luke; realizes her true love is brother-in-law Tony
6) Property taxes lowered on brownstone
5) Dolly Parton invites him to go on the road with her
4) Golden opportunity arrives to go to Somalia
3) Champagne, caviar and Monica
2) No one ever finds out about the secret brain operations he did on Scotty and Mac
And Tony's number one bubble bath fantasy:
1) Bobbie crawls in on her hands and knees and begs him for a divorce

"Sure we have serial killers over all the time."-- Tony

Reginald's Top Ten Bubble Bath Fantasies
10) Relaxing in the bath with town celebrity Felicia Jones
9) Lila rolls in and gives him a raise
8) Tracy returns and confesses her passionate love for Reginald
7) Brenda needs another tylenol
6) Grocery store has a big sale on asparagus
5) Aerosmith invites Reginald back to play keyboards for them
4) Hugh Hefner offers him job as butler at playboy mansion
3) Champagne, caviar and a Ren & Stimpy comic book
2) No one ever finds out he's actually the exiled emperor of Lumina
And Reginald's number one bubble bath fantasy:
1) No ring in the tub

"More coffee, Mrs. Quartermaine?"-- Reginald

Ruby's Top Ten Bubble Bath Fantasies
10) Calgon; take me away
9) *Censored*
8) Liposuction
7) *Censored*
6) Kelly's earns five star rating
5) *Censored*
4) Goes to Hollywood to act as consultant on new Heidi Fleiss TV movie of the week
3) Champagne, caviar and *censored*
2) No one ever finds out about her, Clinton and the State Troopers
And Ruby's number one bubble bath fantasy:
1) You really don't want to know

"How dare you."-- Ruby

Oh, no, our memory is going. We can't rember why GH was not seen for a day. The Earthquake? Probably. In any case here is just one list, because it fell in between a couple of series.

Monday January 17th 1994
Top Ten Things That Happened on General Hospital Today*
10) Brenda stripped
9) Tony and Amy eloped (No, that would be bigamy. It would be big of him, too)
8) Writer's introduced new animated teen characters (voices
by Menudo); more real than Jagger and Karen
7) Alan confessed to Ray's murder; everyone had a good laugh
6) A.J. and Ned mud wrestled
5) Robert and Anna came back for one day (Sorry, you all missed it)
4) Kelly's burned down
3) Reginald got a line, "More tea, Mrs. Quartermaine."
2) Robin recited Shakespeare and juggled during the peak hour at the Outback; Mac failed to notice
And the number one thing that happened on General Hospital today:
1) Kevin helped Ryan escape, after he agreed to kill Mac first

*Not! (Well, you wouldn't know, would you?)

Top Ten Possible Plot Lines for Robin
10) Mysterious computer banking theft traced back to Robin. She's been siphoning funds to send to her mother and father who tell her they are trying to bring peace to Canada.
9) Felicia's purchase of thirty percent of the Outback falls through when Robin outbids her.
8) Brenda too busy with the business end of Deception. Robin has to take over as "The Face of Innocence."
7) New show "Robin's World" telecast from the Scorpio basement, big hit!
6) Two words: Teenage pregnancy
5) Robin shaves her head and becomes a Hare Krishna. Three months before Mac notices.
4) Robin and Stone thrown together in a typical dangerous teen summer odyssey and discover that they really do... hate each other.
3) Robin actually Dobrudjan assassin hired to kill Bobbie.
2) Robin stands up at Mac and Felicia's wedding to object. Mac can't marry Felicia because she's read in her fathers's journal that Mac is a ....werewolf! (Well,
never seen him during a full moon, have we?)
And the number one possible plot line for Robin:
1) Robin discovers that Sean was actually the criminal mastermind behind the Garfield gang. But no one will believe her and sinister Sean decides to silence her.

"If anybody needs me, I think I'll be in the nearest hole in the ground." Robin -- General Hospital

Top Ten Possible Plot Lines For Simone
10) Simone is the go-between for Robin and her parents computer theft plot, since Robin doesn't have her learner's permit yet. Turns out that Tom isn't really
in Somalia. He's gone to aid Robert and Anna in the Canadian peace effort
9) Simone takes up a collection for Kevin's Birthday present. Figures she'll start early. Might take some time (unless Brenda has some extra cash)
8) Sonny too busy with Mob stuff to run Paradise Lounge. Simone buys the business and opens a male strip club. Kevin, Jason, Ned, Damien, and Steve, compete on amateur night. Steve wins.
7) New Show; informercial "Stop the Inanity" with Dr. Simone Hardy. How to cope with no plotlines and being the only working Doctor at General Hospital. Simone's
ten step program to stress relief.
6) Two Words: Doctor Kevorkian
5) Simone's son ages ten years in one day and nobody notices.
4) Tommy out of the country too long. Simone greatly attracted to that sexy Doctor Tony Jones.
3) Simone actually exiled network executive with lobotomy
2) Mac confides his werewolf condition to Simone and she searches for a cure.
And the number one possible plot line for Simone
1) Robin injured by Sean (gone bad) in murderous assault. Turns to Simone for medical aid.

"I'll bet you're a geminii." Simone

Top Ten Possible Plot Lines For Sly
10) While using Robin's computer to play a game of Mortal Kombat (which Jenny doesn't approve of) Sly discovers Robin's computer theft scheme and proceeds to blackmail her.
9) Sly sues Aunt Jenny for misusing his inheiritance.
8) Everyone too busy too notice when Sly enrolls in a mime school in France, until his return. Then they are horrified when he pretends he's in a box and/or walking
against a strong wind.
7) New Show; sit-com "Empty House". Sly manages his life with no parental figures in sight.
6) Two words: gang initiation
5) Jenny and Paul leave town; three months before they remember they forgot to bring Sly.
4) The Slyster develops a crush on Brenda.
3) Sly actually Casey's illegitmate alien child (Jellybean actually alien word for abandoned orphan.)
2) Sly befriends werewolf Mac, teaches him how to fetch.
And the number one possible plot line for Sly:
1) Sly accepts bribe from Sean to keep quite about the nefarious activities in the catacombs.

"He can't see without his glasses." Sly

Top Ten Possible Plot Lines for Steve and Audrey
10) Steve and Audrey are suspicious when they start getting letters from Tommy with Canadian postmarks. On close questioning Simone reveals the Scorpio plot
9) Steve embezzles money designated for new hospital wing. Audrey covers it up for him.
8) Audrey too busy to notice when Steve takes up stripping.
7) Audrey and Ryan go on sleaze talk show circuit:"Serial Killers and the people they think are their mothers."
6) Two Words: prescribing marijauna
5) Steve and Audrey take a secret trip to Barbados, for a second honeymoon. Tony panics when he finds out and proceeds to tell the whole town. Mails Steve a pager
4) Audrey suddenly realizes how attractive she's always found Lee. Trys to resist temptation, but finds herself stuck on an escalator with Lee
3) Steve and Audrey never actually married; Minister was an escaped convict.
2) Steve and Audrey, walking home from seeing "Wayne's World II", are attacked by an inept werewolf.
And the number one possible plot line for Steve and Audrey:
1) Ryan sends Audrey a mother's day card... Tommy doesn't.

"Why is your generation always so impatient?"-- Dr. Steve Hardy

Top Ten Possible Plot Lines For Lila
10) Lila really Canadian arms-smuggler. Kidnaps Robin to foil Robert, Anna, Tommy and Simone's plans.
9) Lila suspects Edward of having an affair with Katy Bell. Hatches plot to have him declared senile and committed so she can take over his ELQ stock.
8) Edward too busy with ELQ too notice when Lila starts renting out rooms in the mansion.
7) New show "Lila's Angel" - Lila has Brenda do the legwork while she solves crimes from the parlor.
6) Two words: video piracy
5) Lila wins the annual neighborhood center polka contest, doesn't think Edward would approve so she hides huge accordion shaped trophy in the Garden, tells him it's a
new lawn ornament.
4) Lucy changes her mind, challenges Damien to seduce Lila.
3) Lila actually Amelia Earhart
2) Lila the last in a long line of Werewolf hunters. Robin consults her about the awful curse that haunts her family and wonders if she should feed Mac Cycle Two. Lila recommends Cycle Three
And the number one possible plot line for Lila:
1) Mob boss Sean's goons try to extort money from Lila. Lila instructs Reginald to see to it that Sean becomes "maggot munchies"

"Well, for heaven's sake Edward, there's no reason to bite my head off." -- Lila

Top Ten Reasons We Think Damian Is Really Cool
10) Blue eyes to die for
9) He thinks Katherine's a witch (you know what we really mean) and has stopped feeding her
8) Very calm under pressure, doesn't even sweat when he gives away 25,000 dollars
7) Can think up lies really quick
6) Used to be Dr. Baransky, but no one's figured it out yet
5) Two words: good tailor
4) Survived prep school with Ned
3) Making Sean's shortcoming's as Police Commissioner even more apparent
2) Not afraid of computers
And the number one reason we think Damian is really cool:
1) Doesn't blow chunks when he has to go out to dinner with Bobbie

"Excellent! The disguise works." Damian

Top Ten Reasons We Think Marco Is Really Cool
10) Short people are naturally cool
9) Knows Jagger has ambitions to be a Rhodes scholar; stopped bugging him about the boxing
8) Very calm under pressure: didn't strangle Felicia
7) Talks more quickly than the human ear is capable of hearing
6) Can leap from one soap opera to the other without compromising the reality of either
5) Two words: speaks Russian
4) He's a twin
3) Somehow quadruples comic possibilities with Sonny and Luke
2) Not afraid of ad-libbing
And the number one reason we think Marco is really cool:
1) He only works when he wants to

"Can I discriminate against airheads?" Marco

Top Ten Reasons We Think Luke and Laura Are Really Cool
10) Luke's killer perm
9) Laura knows Bobbie hasn't really changed
8) Very calm under pressure; can make love in a plane at 30,000 feet (and anywhere else for that matter)
7) Invisible in hospital corridors
6) Bill? Bill who?
5) Two words: Lucky Spencer
4) Ex-mayor and they let him back in town anyway
3) Laura's thrift shop hippie look
2) Not afraid of over-acting
And the number one reason we think Luke and Laura are really cool:
1) Just look at those ratings

"Well, that's the paradox, Darlin'" Luke

Top Ten Reasons We Think Sonny Is Really Cool
10) Won't eat in the same diner as Sean
9) Knows he didn't really love Karen; stopped burning Jagger in effigy weeks ago
8) Very calm under pressure; only flinched once when Luke pointed a gun at him
7) Can communicate with just his eyebrows
6) Now playing with the adults
5) Two words: those dimples
4) Bill Clinton's latest illegitmate brother
3) Wears some really nice threads
2) Not afraid of bird calls
And the number one reason we think Sonny is really cool:
1) He doesn't talk much; we like that in a guy

"You know something, Spencer; I keep hanging around you, I'm gonna turn downright cynical." Sonny

Top Ten Reasons We Think Lucy Is Really Cool
10) Had the good grace to actually appear to be in pain when giving birth
9) Knows most people in Port Charles can't remember who they slept with the night before, much less what she did five years ago
8) Very calm under pressure; didn't panic when charge card was declined
7) On good terms with all of her ex-husbands
6) Is married to Roman Brady
5) Two words: pivotal stockholder
4) Hasn't mentioned Dominique since Scott left town
3) Has all the money that Katy Bell wants
2) Not afraid of anything, now that Bill's dead
And number reason we think Lucy is really cool:
1) She's trying to ruin Bobbie's life in her spare time

"I'm ready to be romanced, boys, so romance me." Lucy

Top Ten Reasons We Think Brenda Is Really Cool
10) Could act opposite a city councilman and appear to have chemistry
9) Knows she's a better detective than Mac and Felicia... put together
8) Very calm under pressure; has never slapped Karen when she does that thing with her hair
7) Taking over Julia's interests, business and otherwise
6) Can probably pronounce that symbol Prince is using now
5) Two words: dumped Jagger
4) Disinherited by disreputable father
3) Likes old movies
2) Not afraid of living in the same mansion with insane family
And the number one reason we think Brenda is really cool:
1) Enthralled with Ryan and Kevin

"I'm just curious and you should be too." Brenda

Well, it was early February and time for the longest not-quite-a-wedding in history. Ryan's clever plan (ravingly obvious to the viewer, but not to supposed genius Kevin) had successfully been pulled off and Ryan disrupted Mac and Filly's nuptials.

Our Top Ten List of The Best Men in Port Charles
10) Jason - Not old enough to be interesting yet, but nice to look at
9) Sonny - Looks really good in blue
8) Tony - Would never be mistaken for Tom Selleck, but sometimes he's funny and has the natural pathos of anyone married to Bobbie
7) Luke Spencer - Very in touch with his emotions and dangerous, yet goofy
6) Marco - Cute little bod and brains to match
5) Damian - That gorgeous smile
4) Ned - Delightfully deceptive and looks amazingly like a kewpie doll
3) Reginald - That attitude and those suspenders
2) Kevin - So much smarter than everyone else
And the best man in Port Chuck:
1) Ryan - so multi-talented and good-looking

"He's briliiant...and he's a monster... and the monster is...me." Dr. Kevin Collins

Top Ten Gifts To Mac And Felicia For Their Wedding
10) Instant divorce kit (from Lucy)
9) A matched set of muzzles (from Sean)
8) An omelette cookbook (from Tony)
7) Year's supply of cycle three (from Lila)
6) A really good dictionary (from Robin)
5) A case of that Danish beer with the clever little tops (from Kevin)
4) Chia pet (from Bobbie)
3) Sheep shearing set for the next time Mac wants a haircut (From Scotty, UPS)
2) A jar of pickles to go with that fork (From Katy Bell)
And the number one gift to Mac And Felicia for their wedding:
1) A bomb (That's what's Ryan's getting for them. Just put our name on the card, babe.)


Top Ten Reasons Garcia Keeps Getting Promoted

10) Handled that Jagger case so well (managed not to find Mike)
9) Doesn't let anyone in the Evidence room unless he's throughly checked their i.d. (or she's really pretty)
8) Knows all the words to the Car 54 theme
7) Can operate the police radio and drive a car at the same time
6) Keeps his badge nice and shiny
5) Doesn't laugh when Sean proposes theories
4) Token ethnic officer, on primarily WASP male police force
3) Does killer imitation of ex-mayor Luke Spencer
2) Can recite all of the Three Stooges dialogue by heart
And the number one reason Garcia keeps getting promoted:
1) Never hits on Tiffany

"Yeah, Boss, I'll get right on it. " Garcia

Top Ten Ways To Tell Ryan And Kevin Apart
10) Kevin has better taste in ties
9) Ryan less inclined to chat
8) Kevin actually annoys Mac more than Ryan
7) Ryan can make his eyes glitter
6) Kevin already knows how to achieve depth affect with fingerpaints
5) Ryan knows how to use "snarky" in a complete sentence
4) Kevin more susceptible to colds
3) Ryan more likely to use puns
2) Kevin able to notice other women when Felicia is in the room
And the number one way to tell Ryan and Kevin apart:
1) Ryan's the one with the bomb strapped on to him

"It's that twin thing." Ryan

It was the usual story at the Soap Opera Digest Awards, Days of Our Lives fans (where they find this many we don't know - there must be one person in Muskogee buying a few truckloads of SODs) had stuffed the ballot box, and the most undeserving folks were pickin' up statues. Of course GH's past year (pre-Labine) had not been anything to be rewarded for, with a few exceptions.

The Top Ten Awards That Should Have Been Given At The SOD Ceremony
All the nominees were chosen by the writers of this top ten list who considered performances from Feb. 1993 through Feb. 1994. There weren't any ballots and nobody voted on anything and the top ten vote getters were determined and verified by the accounting firm of Teresa and Tracy. The final results were placed in child-proof receptacles, sealed with bubble gum for your protection and revealed in tonights star-studded top ten list.

And the Winners Are:

10) The Good Help Isn't Easy to Find Award - Stephen T. Kay as Reginald Jennings, General Hospital
9) Best Death - Tony Geary as Bill Eckert (or was that Most Eagerly Awaited), General Hospital
8) Most Audacious Performance - Vanessa Marcil as Brenda ("Are you a serial killer, too?") Barrett, General Hospital
7) The Rapid-Fire Delivery Award - Gerald Anthony as Marco Dane, General Hospital (Not enough space for example)
6) The Bum's Rush Award -(three way tie) Matthew Ashford as Jack Devereaux, Michael Sabatino as Lawrence Alamain, Crystal Chappel as Carly Manning, Days of Our Lives
(with an honorable mention to our own Crystal Carson as Julia Barrett, General Hospital)
5) The Most Obnoxious Whiner Award - To All the General Hospital fans (but it got us a better show.)
4) The Totally Clueless Award - The Port Charles Police Department (Not one shred of solid evidence on anybody)
3) Unintentionally Funniest Moment of the Year Award - (tie) Wallace Kurth (Wally to us) as Ned Ashton (portraying the in-shock ex-husband waiting outside Jenny's hospital room, catching flies) and John Loprieno as Cord Roberts, One Life to Live ("Puppets, Tina, puppets!")
2) Most Disgusting Love Scene - Bill and Victoria, General Hospital (You know, the contortionists scenes)*
And the number one award that should have been given at the SOD Ceremony:
1) The Funniest, Most Adorable, Scariest, Sexiest, Most Pathetic, Multi-Talented (Alleged serial killer/pediatrician/card shark/gardener/photographer/mad scientist/bomb expert/ psychiatrist/ painter/skydiver, etc., etc., etc.), Enthralling Character Award - Jon "double our pleasure,
double our fun" Lindstrom as Ryan Chamberlain/Kevin Collins, General Hospital

"Nobody ever appreciates the good things I do." -- Ryan

*Sorry to have brought back the memory

Top Ten Things That Could Prevent Mac and Felicia From Ever Getting Married
10) Felicia late for the next ceremony so Mac decides to dump her
9) Mac falls madly in love with Katy Bell
8) They find out he's a Republican and she's a Democrat
7) Taxes lower if they stay single
6) Maxie develops allergy to sheep
5) Mac killed in freak carrot slicing accident
4) Felicia gets amnesia....again!
3) Frisco finally found a map, knows how to get back to States
2) Kevin uses the word "perspicacious". Felicia too busy looking
it up to ever marry Mac
And the number one thing that could prevent Mac and Felicia from
ever getting married:
1) Ryan can get out anytime he wants

"Mac could never give you what I could give you or erase me from your memory." -- Dr. Ryan Chamberlain

Top Ten Things That Sean Can't Do at the Same Time
10) Operate the the police radio AND drive
9) Lie to Tiffany AND not sound like Porky Pig
8) Chew gum AND read
7) Give Jagger advice AND remember that he, himself was once a criminal
6) Commit adultery AND use protection
5) Arrest suspects AND remember where he put his Miranda rights card
4) Listen to garbage disposal AND fill ice cube trays
3) Give Garcia instructions AND be expected to keep an eye on the rest of the stooges at the PC police department
2) Play Poker AND catch on that he's drinking brandy and
smoking cigars with a killer and a burglar
And the number one things that Sean can't do at the same time:
1) Can't talk to Ryan or Kevin AND maintain any illusion of superiority

"My tax dollars at work." A.J. Quatermaine

Top Ten Things That Lois Doesn't Know About Ned
10) Does Elvis Karaoke
9) Ex-wife really cheap; gets married in other people's dresses
8) Has world's largest collection of cereal box tops
7) Mister Ed's number one fan
6) Went to prep school
5) The last time Ned mixed business and pleasure he filed a fake sexual harassment suit
4) Donated treasured Lego sculpture to PC museum
3) Idiocy runs in his family
2) Can't even spell "pharmaceutical"
And the number one thing Lois doesn't know about Ned:
1) He has an imaginary two-foot woodchuck

"I'll go put on some clothes." Eddie/Ned

Top Ten Reasons the Idle Rich Shouldn't Play The Port Charles Hotel
10) A.J. too cheap to cover their bar tab
9) Don't know the secret password to get in (We give you a hint. It's the name of a fish.)
8) People might think name refers to The Quartermaines
7) Jessica's ghost haunting hallways
6) Port Charles police love to harass innocent strangers passing through town
5) A.J.'s hair blocking the doorway
4) Bobbie and Katy Bell might sit in front row and toss up their underthings
3) Ryan wants to play drums with the band
2) Edward and Lila insist on requesting polkas
And the number one reason the Idle Rich shouldn't play the
Port Charles Hotel:
1) Eddie Maine not an uptight-Port-Charles-Hotel-kind-of-guy

"I like him, he's got a day job." Mrs. Cerullo

Top Ten Loony Toon Parallels in Port Charles
10) Mac Scorpio / Tazmanian Devil
"Blahararafdsafh!!!"
9) Luke Spencer / Daffy Duck
"You're despicable!"
8) Det. Garcia / Speedy Gonzales
"Arriba! arriba!"
7) Sean Donely / Elmer Fudd
"We have to be vewy, vewy qwiet."
6) Sonny Corinthos / Sylvester
"Thuffering thucotash!"
5) Amy Vining / Tweetie Bird
"I tawt I taw a puddy tat. I did! I did!"
4) Edward Quartermaine / Foghorn Leghorn
"Boy, I say boy, what d'ya think you're doin'?!"
3) Damian Smith / Pepe LePew
"Mon cherie, come to me my little cupcake."
2) Felicia Jones / Roadrunner
"Beep, beep!"
And the number one Loony Toon in Port Charles
1) Ryan Chamberlain / Wile E. Coyote

"Don't you know by now, Mac, I'm indestructible"-- Ryan Chamberlain

Mac was in the Hospital after the little wedding run-in and pre-Maxie's illness. Jon Lindstrom had made an appearance in a two-part Baywatch as a dolphin trainer, and Kevin had told Ryan that he wasn't coming to see him anymore. Ryan was so unhappy about that, that we wanted to cheer him up.

Top Ten Ways We Can Tell That Mac Has A Concussion
10) Can't remember any of the alphabet now
9) Doesn't know what Tony means when he says "pay up"
8) Thinks Bobbie's newest hat is fashionable
7) Actually asked Sean if he had any clues
6) Surprised to find out "Werewolf" was cancelled
5) Thinks Felicia, in Jenny's clothes, is vision of loveliness
4) Now has inexplicable craving for asparagus
3) Can't remember how to open Danish beer (tops too clever)
2) Watches television without remote control
And the number one way we can tell that Mac has a concussion:
1) He asked if he could have that nice Dr. Chamberlain as his Pediatrician

"Maybe this is the concussion, but I think this is a great idea." Mac Scorpio

Top Ten Television Shows We Don't Want to See Jon Lindstrom On
10) America's Most Wanted (Dramatizations suck, heh, heh)
9) Saved By The Bell (One word: Jailbait)
8) Wheel of Fortune (as a contestant or host)
7) Geraldo! (Discussing demented fans....Hey, anybody got one of those letters yet?)
6) People's Court (Unless of course he could replace Rusty)
5) Burke's Law (Even Dean Stockwell couldn't improve this drivel)
4) Step By Step (Suzanne Sommers)
3) Psychic Hotline (Too crowded)
2) Barney The Dinosaur (Unless he agrees to make Barney extinct)
And the number one television show we don't want to see Jon Lindstrom on:
1) Baywatch...Ever again!

"My mind is a total blank." Nicole (Summer) Eggert -- Baywatch

Top Ten Ways to Make Ryan Chamberlain Feel Better
10) A nice warm bubble bath....with Brenda
9) Central heating in his prison cell
8) A new prison therapist who is really easy to fool
7) Kevin writes him a letter after discovering that the rest of Port Charles is brain dead
6) Serving canned peaches in prison cafeteria...yumola
5) Interesting article in Port Charles Gazette about Frisco's return
4) Let him make a cheerful Mother's day greeting card for Audrey
3) Mac's broken arm develops deadly infection....Tony has to cut it off
2) Patent for amnesia drug finally comes through
And the number one way to make Ryan Chamberlain Feel Better:
1) Felicia straps on Rambo gear and busts Ryan out of the joint

"Escape? When do we leave?" Ryan Chamberlain

It was just before Karen and Jagger's wedding and being the Spoiler reading types, we knew that they'd be gone right after it. Kevin was settling into PC. We were, as ever, ticked at Sean, and helpfully offering the Nedling a few more lies to tell.

Top Ten Reasons We'll Be Sorry to See Karen and Jagger leave
Port Charles
10) We'll never know if Karen could find the hair style that she didn't need to push back behind her ear
9) Gina and Stone will have to endure another tedious abandonment (and so will we)
8) Intelligence in Port Charles graded on a curve
7) Ruby's depraved plan to seduce Jagger will never come to fruition
6) No more amusing moments, like when Karen almost burned down Kelly's or Jagger spitting cookie crumbs all over the counter
5) We'll never find out who Jagger's father is
4) Who will hold up the teen romance end of the show when summer comes? Brenda and A.J. have gone on to the big leagues and Jason's solo and....Oh, no! Not Robin and Stone (Mike, whatever he calls himself)
3) This will reduce Gail's role to one day every three months instead of her usual one in one month
2) The revelation of Scotty being Karen's father won't mean much if both the principals are out of town
And the number one reason we'd be sorry to see Karen and Jagger leave Port Charles:
1) Jagger gave us such great material for Top Ten Lists like the classic "Jagger's Top Ten Scientific Theories"
( *sniff*. We'll miss them when they go.)

"Maybe there is something to this palm reading stuff." Jagger Cates

Top Ten Ways Ned Could Explain Katy Bell To Lois
10) "Did I forget to tell you I had a sister?"
9) She's his caterer
8) Blonde, what blonde? Never met her before in his life
7) She's his food taster. He's a big star now and he has to be careful
6) There was something in her eye
5) Just the Public Relations director for the Hotel he owns. Now explain the hotel, Ned
4) It was very dark and he mistook her for Lois
3) He has a dual personality and this other guy Ned is going out with Katy Bell, not innocent Eddie
2) Pharmaceuticals: she's just bought a truck load of diet pills
And the number one way Ned could explain Katy Bell to Lois:
1) I'm the CEO of a big company and she has the .5 percent swing vote, and I'm romancing her so I can get my proposals passed (the truth? Naaah...that'll never work)

"I love you." Ned Ashton/Eddie Maine

Top Ten Things That Might Surprise Kevin About Port Charles
10) Mac and Felicia considered among the more intelligent citizens
9) Making Sean Police Commissioner, not just a joke
8) Some people like the chili at Kelly's
7) Ned's imaginary two-foot woodchuck
6) Opera season in Port Charles begins with reruns of "Cop Rock"
5) Mac's booze made in his bathtub
4) Jagger can pass the GEDs
3) Quartermaines not yet ready to admit they need massive
family counseling
2) The Port Charles museum really thinks Lego Sculpture is
valuable art object
And the number one thing that might surprise Kevin about
Port Charles:
1) Ryan had a humongous outstanding bill at Acme explosives


"Am I early for happy hour?" Kevin Collins

Top Ten Things Sean Does That Really Annoy Garcia
10) Insists on calling Garcia "butthead" over the police radio
9) The way he sucks his teeth
8) Says "Whhhheeeeeeeee!" whenever they turn on the siren
7) Wouldn't know good coffee if you poured it on his head
6) Always wants to eat at Kelly's
5) Regales Garcia with tales of his adventures in the WSB
4) Gets really testy when Tiffany refers to Garcia as "sweetcakes"
3) Persists in telling every idiot hoodlum in town that they too can qualify to be a Port Charles Police Officer (depressingly true)
2) Expects Garcia to laugh when he tells dead-assistant-district-attorney jokes
And the number one thing Sean does that really annoys Garcia:
1) Lets Mac in the office

"Sorry, Boss." Garcia

It was March of 1994 and things were getting hot in Port Chuckles. Luke (that paragon of virtue) was breaking Frank out of the slammer (the proceeds for this caper will eventually go to Luke buying a Blues Club). Bobbie was lying ten ways to Sunday to her once-adored husband, Tony, and Mac was using his winning Macho Idiot persona.

Top Ten Reasons Tony Should Dump Bobbie
10) Nice and Easy has decided to permanently discontinue that hair color
9) She never wore that slut dress for him
8) Bobbie serves bran cereal for breakfast every single morning
7) She doesn't think he's entitiled to an opinion about fidelity in their marriage
6) That little problem she has with keeping her jaws shut
5) His sense of humor is totally wasted on her
4) Bobbie makes kids watch Barney videos even though they really hate it
3) Deep down Tony feels that Tiffany should have had custody of Lucas
2) Found conclusive evidence that Bobbie knew Bill Clinton a lot better than she admitted
And the number one reason Tony should dump Bobbie:
1) Lucy's availble

"Happy, happy. Joy, joy." Tony (at the poker game...losing)

Top Ten Escape Plans Luke Rejected For Frank Smith's Breakout
10) Hiring Steven Seagal to do it
9) Bribe prison guards with muffins (special Felicia Jones recipe)
8) He and Sonny dress up as clowns and smuggle Frank out during magic act
7) Teach Foster (alias Snarl) to fetch Crime Lords
6) See if Frank has a twin brother
5) Tell Sean that Frank's second cousin by marriage on his mother's side is dying an agonizing death from the effects of heat stroke in northern Tibet (where he'd
gone to study the mating habits of Yaks) and he has to get him there right away because the cousin insists on having the only ordained minister in the Smith family
there with him
4) Interrupt broadcast of Oprah, leave under cover of ensuing riot
3) Tell the guards their shoelaces are untied
2) Get Sonny to do his uncanny imitation of Marlene Dietrich
And the number one escape plan Luke rejected for Frank Smith's breakout:
1) Use a "Get Out Of Jail Free" Card

"Trust me." Luke

Top Ten Reasons Felicia Should Tell Mac to Take a Hike
10) Many more eligible men than women in Port Charles
9) Mac has trouble keeping property rights straight
8) He keeps half her tips
7) He has never apologized for that idiotic hot-dog date
6) Not enough room in the closet for her shoes with his
unused cricket equipment cluttering the floor
5) The blank stare he gets when she uses the word "equality"
4) For some reason he thinks flying with him is safer than skydiving
3) Ryan's moods were easier to predict
2) Judging from his expanding waistline he could probably use a hike
And the number one reason Felicia should tell Mac to take a hike:
1) Frisco still eager to reunite

"Oh, you've brought us to....our place of employment." -- Felicia Jones

Top Ten Ways Robin Could Respond to Uncle Mac's New Found Interest In Her Life
10) Charge him rent
9) Help him look up "abandonment" in the dictionary
8) Inform immigration
7) Tell him she knew Robert Scorpio and he's no Robert Scorpio
6) Just because she snuck out of the house does not mean her hormones are out of control. Get a grip
5) Tap into the computer system and ruin his credit rating
4) Go into therapy with Kevin
3) Invite Stone over for a game of strip poker
2) Tell him Robert and Anna not really dead, so actually he's not her guardian
And the number one way Robin could respond to Uncle Mac's new found interest in her life:
1) "Get normal!"

"That's no excuse for you to act like an idiot." Robin Scorpio
(Uh...Robin, he's not acting.)

Still in March of 1994: Brenda and Sonny were starting to come to a boil and Miguelito and just come to town.

Top Ten Things Brenda and Sonny have To Talk About on a Date
10) Dental hygiene
9) PCU Upchuckers 0 and 18 in the conference
8) "Are you going to eat that pickle?"
7) Giggle over Sean's detective methods
6) Swap bubble-bath fantasies
5) "Is this my comb or yours?"
4) Luke's uncanny resemblance to Bill
3) Opera, chess, wine-tasting and bondage
2) Stripping, pros and cons
And the number one thing Brenda and Sonny have to talk about
on a date:
1) Rising tension....in the Middle East

"I don't care about baseball." Brenda

Top Ten Ways Miguel Could Be Useful at General Hospital
10) Bedpans, lots and lots of bedpans
9) Amy looking pretty desperate
8) So's Meg
7) Scenes interacting with Dr. Hardy, might be the only screentime Steve gets this year
6) Jagger leaving but we still want to see subtitles
5) Can chip in for Kevin's birthday present
4) Can interrupt interns making out in the broom closet
3) Might actually take an interest when you're being pursued by a psycho killer or ghostly apparition or gangster or...
2) Someone has to take over Jagger's intellectual environmental concerns
And the numero uno way Miguel could be useful at General Hospital:
1) Belting out those old Menudo tunes

"Karen, esta bien." Miguel

Top Ten Ways Miguel Could Be Useful at the Outback
10) Dishes, lots and lots of dishes
9) Cleaning out freezer for the first time in a year
8) Finding Sean's long lost and nearly forgotten son, Conner, frozen in the freezer
7) He and Felicia can discuss mutual hispanic heritage
6) Felicia had run out of silly names for drinks
5) Mac initiating employee profit sharing to pay off Felicia's debt
4) Can interrupt Mac and Felicia when they get mushy (If Kevin's too busy to do it)
3) Might actually take an interest in serving customers at night instead of talking about personal affairs
2) Someone has to keep Mac away from the expresso machine (while Felicia's taking care of Maxie)
And the numero uno way Miguel could be useful at the Outback
1) Can sub as lead singer when Ned refuses to show up at the Outback for Idle Rich gig

"I've been through worse auditions; remember, I work for Dr. Hardy."
-- Miguel Morez

Bradley's body was about to be discovered in the Rose Garden. Kevin was wandering aimlessly about PC and annoying Mac.

Top Ten Anecdotes Mae-Mae Has Yet to Tell Laura
10) The time Bradley fell out of the tree and broke his arm
9) Switching from well water to city lines in 1958
8) Contaminated fishsticks
7) Bradley's little sister catching the croup
6) Husband number one finding out about future husband number two
5) When the furnace blew up and killed Rover (1962)
4) That fateful night she was kidnapped by corrugated Aliens with Brooklyn accents
3) Bradley's little brother experimenting with Time Travel in Basement
2) Her favorite tax return loopholes
And the number one anecdote Mae-Mae has yet to tell Laura:
1) She's Damian Smith's mother

"I buried two husbands." Mary Mae (Bet it was her stories that killed 'em)

Top Ten Parallels between Gilligan's Island and Port Charles
10) Gilligan -- Felicia Jones
"If I can't spell it, I can't look it up"
9) The Skipper (Jonas Grumby) -- Sean Donely
"I'm at a loss as to where to go from now on."
8) The Millionaire (Thurston Howell III) -- Edward Quartermaine
"I intend to make them pay through the nose for their arrogance"
7) And his wife (Lovie) -- Lila Quartermaine
"My sympathy's with the players, since they got rid of those baggy uniforms."
6) The Movie Star (Ginger Grant) -- Tiffany Hill
"Let's talk about your stellar performance."
5) The Professor (Prof. Roy Hinkle) -- Dr. Kevin Collins
"Personally I've never believed for a minute that patients, or their families, should ever entrust their Doctors with blind faith."
4) And Mary Ann -- Karen Wexler (in a 90's kind of way)
"We're not moving to the moon" (We'd settle for stranding them on an uncharted desert isle)
3) Gilligan's Island -- Port Charles
(Home of the plucky PCU Upchuckers and Toxic Waste capitol of the world)
2) Bonanza -- Days of Our Lives
And the number one parallel between Gilligan's Island and Port Charles:
1) Where do they get all those clothes?

"G-I-Double L-I-G-A-N spells Gilligan!" -- Entire Cast --Gilligan's Island

Top Ten Reasons Kevin Hasn't Started Work at the Hospital
10) Still staying at the Port Charles Hotel; they keep forgetting his wake up call
9) Still hoping Bobbie will tender her resignation
8) Wants to give Audrey a little time to get past her jumpy stage
7) Trying to get entry visa for french chef to work in hospital cafeteria
6) Ryan packed everything in the wrong boxes; still trying to sort it all out
5) Meg and Amy won't tell him where his office is
4) Looking into a career as a ventriloquist
3) Has to work it around his schedule of annoying Mac
2) Out drumming up business
And the number one reason Kevin hasn't started work at the Hospital:
1) W2 forms inadvertently mixed up with Laura's pregnancy test results

"I wasn't suggesting I counsel you." Dr. Kevin Collins

March 1994
Top Ten Port Charles Residents We'd Like To See in Just a Towel
10) Ned (Again, again, and again)
9) Damien (as standard evening wear)
8) Jason (out by the hot tub)
7) Sonny (a blue towel)
6) That sexy Doctor Tony Jones (with a surgical mask)
5) Reginald (just want to see what he looks like without the suspenders)
4) The rest of the Idle Rich (next album cover)
3) A.J. (If he puts a bag over his head, assuming he could fit it over his ears)
2) Kevin-Bunny (not the stuffed one)
And the number one Port Charles Resident We'd Like To See In Just a Towel
1) Mel Gibson (Okay, he's not a Port Charles resident.This is OUR fantasy)

P.S. To the Art Chick. You're right, NO towel for Miguel ;-)

"Hard to believe there's not a drop of alcohol in it."-- Miguel Morez

Top Ten Reasons Damian Shouldn't Go to Atlantic City With Bobbie
10) Never knows where Ned is at night. Who's gonna watch the store (ELQ)?
9) Katy Bell knows where Atlantic City is (that's a big disadvantage to almost everywhere Damian goes)
8) Tony and his twelve-gauge
7) Bobbie brings favorite Barney the Dinosaur Video wherever she goes
6) Sea air makes Damian wheezy
5) Atlantic City council forewarned of Bobbie's arrival, has already put in place special precautions: code "Godzilla"
4) Jennifer's children, Jocko and Jemimah
3) Will miss Frank's entertaining jail break
2) Bobbie cheats at Roulette
And the number one reason Damian shouldn't go to Atlantic City with Bobbie:
1) She might actually sleep with him

"This is temptation calling." Damian Smith

While Frank's escape and Karen & Jagger's wedding were upon us, the Nurses Ball and the ELQ Meeting wouldn't be on for quite some time.

Top Ten Things That Could Go Wrong With Luke's Escape Plan
10) Sonny's dress gets caught in the elevator
9) Foster eats "vital documents"
8) Sonny forgets his nose and glasses disguise
7) Nasty storm blows in; hail as big as grapefruit flattens rented van
6) Frank unwilling to leave behind his "girlfriend"
5) Stone is kidnapped by guys with really bad french accents, taken across the Canadian border, forced to drink Shirley Temples and tie the stem of the cherry into a knot with his tongue. Luke and Sonny get Lucky to read the ransom note for them, forget all about the escape plan, leave Foster behind to explain the situation to
Laura (ala Lassie) and go up to rescue Stone
4) Two words: speeding ticket
3) They break into the wrong prison
2) Safe House chosen as alternate site for Toxic Incinerator
And the number one thing that could go wrong with Luke's escape plan:
1) Sean not as stupid as he looks

"The ol' ball and chain is tightening." Sean Donely

Top Ten Things That Could Go Wrong With Jagger and Karen's Wedding
10) Karen's handmade wedding dress gets caught on the kickstand (Has to borrow Felicia's/Jenny's wedding gown. New tradition in Port Charles. Going to save brides a fortune)
9) Katy Bell eats entire vat of wedding chili
8) Jagger forgets the marriage license
7) Nasty storm blows in; razor sharp ice pellets maim Ruby
6) Stone unwilling to give rings back (he's already pawned them)
5) Karen confesses to Jagger that she is pregnant and that she's not sure if he or Sonny is the father. Until the child is born Jagger and Sonny must each prove that they would make a good father. They both become Sly's Fake Dads and take him on frolicsome outings. Sly demonstrates the nasty streak he inheirited from Bill by telling both of them they're his favorite Fake Dad
4) Two words: Ptomaine poisoning
3) Sean breaks into tears during the ceremony
2) Conservatory chosen as alternate site for Frank's safe house
And the number one thing that could go wrong with Jagger and
Karen's wedding:
1) Jagger just as stupid as he seems

"I don't wanna go, but at the same time, the sooner I do the sooner it's tomorrow." -- Jagger Cates

Top Ten Things That Could Go Wrong With The Nurses Ball
10) Nurse Amy's dress way too tight. She passes out
9) Miguel eats all the bean dip
8) Meg forgets to send Steve Hardy an invitation
7) Nasty storms blows in; but Bobbie shows up anyway
6) Amy unwilling to let Meg cut in on her dance with Damian
5) Miguel brings endangered Puerto Rican Golden Chicken (El Pollo de Oro) to donate to the nurses fund. It escapes from its crate and wreaks havoc, causing Bobbie's
face to freeze into a permanent gape, Steve to drop shrimp puffs and warm cocktail sauce on a prone and delighted Ruby, Audrey to rethink her position on Ryan, Meg to consider other career options and Damian to laugh uproariously
4) Two words: Outback Catering
3) Chain holding chandelier breaks; ruins country line dance
2) Ball Room chosen as alternate site for Karen and Jagger's Wedding
And the number one thing that could go wrong with the Nurses' Ball:
1) Bobbie exactly as stupid as Damian thinks she is

"Do you honestly think I am too naive, or stupid to see through this sudden burst of philanthropy?" Bobbie Jones

Top Ten Things That Could Go Wrong With The Idle Rich Gig at the Outback
10) Ned's leather pants way too tight. Audrey passes out
9) Felicia eats all the beer nuts
8) Ned forgets the words to "Baa Baa Black Sheep"
7) Nasty storms blows in; Ned unable to leave Port Charles
6) Mac unwilling to let Lois see the receipts
5) While on-stage at the Outback Ned is replaced by a luminous Giant, who tries to warn Sean of an imminent crime. Alan is disposing of another body at the future
site of the toxic incinerator. He's murdered Edward and stuffed the body in a golf bag and plans to bury it under Mae-Mae's rose garden, as he once heard Mae-Mae
mutter, "geeze, these need fertilizer". Unfortunately, Sean isn't the least bit psychic and is unable to pick up on this. Brenda is merely confused by the Giant's message
4) Two words: no towels
3) Lois breaks a nail
2) Outback chosen as alternate site for Nurses' Ball
And the number one thing that could go worng with the Idle Rich gig at the Outback:
1) Neither Brenda nor Lois as stupid as Ned wishes they were

"You really do have to look out for that pure stuff. It can kill you."
-- Brenda Barret

Top Ten Things That Could Go Wrong at The Next ELQ Board Meeting
10) Reginald passes out noise makers and party hats
9) Katy Bell eats all the croissants
8) Edward forgets the "Depends"
7) Nasty storm blows in; Everyone trapped in mansion for the night
6) Lucy unwilling to leave buffet table
5) The rest of the board is gathered in the living room when Alan enters. The group is shocked to see that Alan's hair has turned white over night. Alan goes
goofy and suggests that Lila play the piano while he sings. Ned is somewhat put out that Alan is beating him to the punch on this singing thing. Alan breaks into "Come On, Get Happy". Monica is horrified and votes her stock with Damian in retaliation
4) Two words: insider trading
3) Katy breaks out in a rash around the lips from too much kissing up to Edward
2) Quartermaine mansion chosen as alternate site for Idle Rich gig
And the number one thing that could go wrong at the next ELQ Board Meeting:
1) Entire board expires from stupidity

"That's a wonderful idea; lots of press and low overhead." -- Edward Quartermaine

Luke and Sonny successfully broke Frank out of jail, spawning the following lists, as Sean failed to discover a damn thing, Brenda became an unlikely nurse, and Jagger recovered what little brain activity he started with.

Top Ten Ways To Distract Sean From Actual Police Work
10) Poker
9) Weddings (He gets all weepy)
8) Aztec treasures (any treasures)
7) Give him a chance to give somebody a lecture
6) Little pea under the walnut game
5) Tiffany (on a good hair day)
4) Stupid pet tricks
3) A 25,000 dollar check
2) A willing assistant-district attorney
And the number one way to distract Sean from actual Police Work:
1) Why bother?

"I want you to stop wasting my time." Sean Donely

Brenda's Top Ten Pet Anecdotes
10) Fluffy the cat run over by Daddy's Rolls
9) Willy the weasel getting into Mummy's lingerie drawer
8) How she kept a billy goat in her closet at the Swiss boarding school
7) Found out pet turkey Roger was main course at Thanksgiving
6) Once had Jagger groomed
5) A fireman rescued her pet pig who was caught up in a tree
4) Scratches A.J. behind the ears
3) Sea Monkeys evolved
2) Has her own Rock Star/CEO on a leash
And Brenda's number one pet anecdote:
1) Pet tick, Tommy, burst

"That was a bad story." Brenda

Top Ten Things Revealed By Jagger's CAT Scan
10) Scar tissue from one of Tony's secret brain operations
9) Earring Brenda's been looking for
8) Scanner in fine working order
7) Cobwebs
6) Medical technicians laugh, too
5) Helmet just a fashion accessory for Jagger
4) He's actually an alien (space not Italian)
3) Mac and Jagger's CAT Scan's almost identical, but Jagger's brain denser
2) Teeny-tiny mice in the cerebral cortex
And the number one thing revealed by Jagger's CAT scan:
1) Nothin'

"They did a CAT scan, but nothin'." Stone

The Nurses Ball was still many weeks off, so any resemblance to this list is purely coincidental... We think! Katherine the Art Chick earned a list by going to see her future FGC and Damian had just started his pea soup spitting phase.

Top Ten Entrants in the Nurses' Ball Talent Show
10) Tony - Does "Somebody stole my Gal" on the ukulele
8) Meg and Amy - Do "Which Floor are we on?" comedy routine (MEG: Which floor is pediatrics? AMY: That's right, which floor is pediatrics.)
6) Miguel - croons a Barry Manilow medley with a duck on his head
7) Doctor Alan Quartermaine - Performs his amazing disappearing corpse trick
9) Steve (Koop Doccy Doc) Hardy - Rappin' all night long
5) Audrey - Demonstrates filing system using Ross Perot Method and a pointy stick
4) Bobbie - Does Karen's stripping act. (Mass exodus ensues)
3) Lucy and Damien - do a tango so erotic that ABC is forced to preface the show with a parental advisory
2) Mary Mae and Luke - "cut a rug", not erotic at all; ABC forced to preface the show with a tedium warning
And the number one entrant in the the Nurses' Ball talent show:
1) Kevin Collins does ventriloquism act with a little Mac dummy...in just a towel. (Him and the Dummy)

"What's the bunny's name?" Kevin/Frisco Bear
"I don't know we'll have to ask Maxie." Kevin
"I think I'll call him Kevin Bunny." Maxie

Top Ten Things Katherine The Art Chick Should Have Asked Leigh McCloskey
10) "What is that cologne you're wearing?" (As she steps closer)
9) "Why doesn't that little tart, Bobbie, leave Damian alone?"
8) "Wanna see my Theda Bara imitation?"
7) "Would you like my e-mail address? You can come over and wipe my files anytime."
6) "How about making an appearance at my College? Three thousand girls for every guy."
5) "Do you dream in color?"
4) "Would you mind sitting for a bust?"
3) "Who shot J.R.?"
2) "What's Ricky Martin really like?"
And the number one thing Katherine the Art Chick really should have
asked Leigh McCloskey:
1) "What size towel do you wear?"

"That doesn't mean I can't appreciate another man's... finer qualities." — Bobbie Jones

Top Ten Reasons Damian is Acting So Snarky
10) Caught Katy Bell sniffing his clothes again
9) Ned having all the fun latley
8) Edward's investigation turned up Whitewater connection in Damian's past
7) Can't get A.J to send up more pillows
6) Local police just not a challenge
5) That time of the month
4) Lucy glowing a little when she hangs out with that Kevin guy
3) Favorite show "Saved By the Bell" canceled
2) Dad always liked Jennifer best
And the number one reason Damien is Acting So Snarky
1) Mets already suck

"It's hard to think of Damian as your baby bro." — Laura
"Harder for him than for you." — Jennifer

Brenda was arguing with Sonny, Kevin was hanging around with Filly and Maxie. Lois had dropped in on PC and unknowingly on her in-laws.

Top Ten Ways Sonny Can Get Brenda To Pay Attention To Him
10) Get shot again (it worked pretty well the first time)
9) Remind her A.J. is available
8) Talk about automotives
7) Leave erotic answering machine messages for her
6) Buy her a new turtle
5) Steal Sean's car from home and leave it in front of Police Station
4) Reopen Paradise Lounge; rename it Brenda's
3) Introduce her to PC's former mayor
2) Tell her he has six months to live
And the number one way Sonny can get Brenda to pay attention to him:
1) Wear blue

"There's steam coming out of your ears." — Brenda

Top Ten General Hospital Traditions Kevin is Having Trouble Getting Used To
10) Having to insert a long pause before giving patient a diagnosis
9) Gossiping part of a nurses duties
8) Having to fill in for Physicians who are otherwise occupied (having affairs, trying to catch their spouses having affairs, attending conventions, visiting fat farms, on missionary trips in Somalia, making TV movies, testifying at Universities, making albums......)
7) They really expect you to eat in that cafeteria
6) Wheelchairs apparently passe, laundry carts now in
5) Ogling also part of nurses duties
4) Have to bow down and say "I'm not worthy!" every time Steve goes by your office
3) Paperwork only important when it comes up in plotline
2) Nurses have balls, Doctors don't
And the number one General Hospital tradition Kevin is having
trouble getting used to:
1) Wednesday is free surgical saw day in the morgue

"I don't know, can you trust 'em?"— Kevin (as Kevin-Bunny)

Top Ten Things Ned Discusses With His Imaginary Two-Foot Woodchuck
10) Missing his house; hasn't seen it since Jenny left him
9) Stock Market; Woodchuck gives great tips
8) Daytime Emmys; Ned devastated that Lucci wasn't even nominated
7) Monica; pretty sure she'll like the CD cover
6) Edward; can he have the old one back... please!
5) The Properties of Time; Ned could swear that A.J. used to be twelve not five years younger than him
4) The New York Yankees
3) Katherine; keeps having bad flashbacks to that ski trip; chocolate mousse now gives him the willies
2) Brenda; Can't fool her, she's not a Quartermaine
And the number one thing that Ned discusses with his imaginary two foot Woodchuck:
1) Lois; even the woodchuck thinks he's a jerk for the way he's treated her

"Lois must hate me." — Ned\Eddie

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T 'n' T Web Sites and Episode Guides

The above lists were written by Teresa and Tracy Murray, keeping always in mind that David Letterman is our guru, and the Marx Brothers our inspiration. Please feel free to share these with other people who have a questionable idea of humor.

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Copyright Teresa and Tracy Murray (T 'n' T) 1993 - 2003.
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Last updated October 2003.

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David Letterman is perfectly free to claim Top Ten Lists as his intellectual property, as far as we're concerned. Bless his heart!