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April 1994 - August 1994

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Return to Menu | March 1994 | Sept 1994 | GH Adventures| GH Retrospectives


April at last and Jason was nearly invisible, Marco was really gone (*sob*), Kevin was thinking about buying a permanent abode and Frisco was back in town for a little while anyway.

Top Ten Reasons We haven't Seen Jason Lately
10) Hiding until A.J. outgrows that corporate raider stage
9) Knows Ned's a rocker; doesn't want anyone to see him laughing
8) Hoping Grandfather will change back while he's away
7) He's at that Pennsylvania resort (really Max and Luna's Llanview Spa)
6) Kidnapped by WSB, being trained as a spy
5) Getting to know cousin Heather
4) Just waiting till those rumors that he's gay die down
3) Reginald talked him into a biking tour of Cornwall
2) Leading double life as MacDonald's drive-thru window cashier, sleeping with apple pie cook who fell in love with his burger flipping prowess and doesn't know
anything about his potential medical career and filthy rich family
And the number one reason we haven't seen Jason lately
1) He died tragically in a grain silo accident

"I'm staying out of this one." Jason Quartermaine

Top Ten Reasons We Haven't Seen Marco Lately
10) Hiding until Luke outgrows that homicidal stage
9) Knows Mac's a werewolf; doesn't want anyone to see him laughing
8) Hoping Tracy will come back while he's away
7) He's at that Pennsylvania resort (really Max and Luna's Llanview spa)
6) Kidnapped by ABC; being trained as an anchorman
5) Getting to know Hilary Clinton
4) Just waiting till those rumors that he's Elvis die down
3) Reginald talked him into retracing the steps of the Mel Torme/Chico Marx band tour
2) Leading double life as ambassador to Qatar, sleeping with bedouin princess, who fell in love with his hithertofore unknown sheepherding skills, and doesn't know anything about his mob ties and penchant for young blondes
And the number one reason we haven't seen Marco lately:
1) He died tragically in a thighmaster accident

Top Ten Things Kevin Might Find In The Lighthouse
10) Huge play-doh sculpture of Devil's Tower in livingroom
9) Awful floral wallpaper in upstairs bathroom
8) Sly staging protest of Jenny selling off all his inheiritance
7) Radioactive termites bench-pressing the sofa/loveseat set
6) Mangled spoon in garbage disposal
5) Lots of empty condom wrappers
4) Wine cellar floor still sticky from cheap San Sebastian wine (at least we hope that's what it is) and the smell could kill flies
3) Bill's prized collection of nose goblins
2) Medicine cabinet full of unused hair conditioner
And the number one thing Kevin might find in the Lighthouse:
1) Marco and forty-five of his closest friends (Party!)

"A murder? Do I care?" -- Kevin

Top Ten Things Frisco Should Know While Staying At The Brownstone
10) Security very bad, serial killers can get in any time
9) Small water heater; not enough hot water for everyone to have a decent shower
8) Bobbie hysterical about bugs; Frisco better make sure he shook all the african insects out of that jacket
7) Friday has been assigned as Frisco's "dish night"
6) Coffee; decaffinated
5) There's a Secret door from the attic to the upstairs bathroom
4) VCR hasn't worked since Lucas' cheese sandwhich experiment
3) Scotty's apartment: be careful when walking in, dated hair care products have expired
2) Tupperware Party/Human Sacrifice every other Tuesday
And the number one thing Frisco should know about staying at the Brownstone:
1) Things about to get really depressing around there

"You've just lowered your standards." Tony Jones

May 1994
Top Ten Possible Story Lines For Kevin
10) Gets lots of business after offering Quartermaines group rates
9) Kevin goes to work at nearby sanitarium where Bradley Ward has been kept drugged senseless against his will
8) Adopts Robin
7) Bobbie discovered dead in hospital elevator; poisoned. Once cafeteria food is ruled out, Lucy is fingered as the prime suspect (and don't think Sean doesn't enjoy
it!). Kevin, certain that Lucy is innocent (of murder), investigates the untimely demise of the Bulwark
6) Elopes with Amy
5) Lucy and Kevin hatch plot to sting Damian: code name "The Omen"
4) Kevin moves into the lighthouse. The disembodied spirit of Bill Eckert enters Kevin, forcing him to slay innocent encyclopedia salesmen, seduce blind girls, use swear words and seriously overact.
3) Paint's nude portrait of Felicia; gives it to Mac as a birthday gift
2) Kevin is contacted by an old family attorney (played by Jimmy Stewart) who tells him the real circumstances of their Mother's death. She died of a heart attack while Ryan was away at Medical School. Having cause to disbelieve Ryan's confession to the murder of Mama Chamberlain (played in flashbacks by Kristina Wagner), Kevin comes to doubt Ryan's guilt in the other killings. Kevin investigates further and becomes entangled in the depraved, twisted legacy that has already claimed his brother's sanity
And the number one possible storyline for Kevin:
1) Kevin agrees to host radio call-in show

First call - "Hi, my name's Eddy, no, uh...yeah, Eddy. I've been leading a double life."
Second call - "Hi my name's Joe. My father's a gangster, and he never hugged me."
Third call - "Hey, baby, how 'bout a date?"

"Oh, Lucy, I'm just hitting my stride." Dr. Kevin Collins

Top Ten Terrible Things That Could Happen To Tony This Week
10) Paper cut
9) Move's out of the Brownstone; Has to live at Kelly's
8) Sexually harassed by Monica
7) Has to do brain surgery on the driver of the car that swerved in front of the school van
6) Going bald
5) Medical license revoked
4) Frank leaves Sonny a message on his answering machine about Tony
3) Someone pins a kick me sign on his backside
2) Tony develops drinking and prescription drug problem in a mere two weeks, a la Tiffany.
And the number one terrible thing that could happen to Tony:
1) He takes Bobbie back

"Guess what your Mommy ordered." Tony Jones

Top Ten Things That Might Be In Kevin's Secret Photograph
10) Grace's picture
9) Mommie Dearest, way back when
8) Felicia and Mac; with little horns, tail and moustache drawn on Mac
7) Ryan and Kevin as small adorable twin four-year olds
6) A reduced copy of Maxie's latest artwork
5) His friend, and fellow WSB agent, Robert Scorpio (with newspaper dated 1994)
4) Autographed picture of Sigmund Freud
3) Mommie Dearest (with newspaper dated 1994)
2) Picture of the person he loves the most (himself)
And the number one thing that might be in Kevin's secret photograph:
1) Picture of his fan club (L to R, Lynelle, Brenda [the awesome one,] Madelyn, Katherine [the Art Chick], Lydia, Roo, Cathy, Teresa, Tracy and [insert names here].)

"Just tell me how you want to use me and I'll tell you if it's acceptable or not." Dr. Kevin Collins

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BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO (June 7 - 10 1994)

Top Ten Things Mac Is Going To Do Now That He And Felicia Have Broken Up
10) Clean out the garage
9) Watch "Crocodile Dundee" over and over
8) Take favorite Dog Bowl out of hiding
7) Openly flirt with Katy Bell
6) Read all the back issues of "Penthouse"
5) Clip nose hairs in bed
4) Bitch at Robin for being a less-than-perfect-teenager
3) Introduce wacky-tie night at the Outback
2) Stock up on microwave popcorn
And the number one thing Mac is going to now that he and Felicia have broken up:
1) Sulk

"We're all making the necessary adjustments." Mac Scorpio

Top Ten Things Felicia Is Going To Do Now That She And Mac Have Broken Up
10) Clean out the refrigerator
9) Watch "Dumbo" over and over
8) Take favorite parachute out of hiding
7) Openly flirt with Kevin
6) Read all the back issues of "Soap Hairstyles"
5) Sing herself to sleep
4) Bitch at Miguel for being a less-than-perfect-bartender
3) Introduce Zen method to detective work
2) Stock up on carrots
And the number one thing Felicia is going to do now that she and Mac have broken up:
1) Think up new games to play with Frisco on the jungle gym

"I have to appreciate myself for myself and not myself with you." Felicia Jones

Top Ten Things Tony Is Going To Do Now That He And Bobbie Have Broken Up
10) Clean out Scotty's closet
9) Watch "Dr. Giggles" over and over
8) Take favorite double-stuff oreos out of hiding
7) Openly flirt with Amy
6) Read all the back issues of "Mad" magazine
5) Neglect to put odor eaters in jogging shoes
4) Bitch at Betty for being a less-than-perfect-babysitter
3) Introduce Bobbie's face to the sidewalk
2) Stock up on eggs
And the number one thing Tony is going to do now that he and Bobbie have broken up:
1) Break down and consult Kevin

"I want as much physical distance between the two of us as possible." Dr. Tony Jones

Top Ten Things Bobbie is Going To Do Now That She And Tony Have Broken Up
10) Clean out ice cream section at Piggly Wiggly's
9) Watch "Pretty Woman" over and over
8) Take favorite mini-skirt out of hiding
7) Openly flirt with every man in town
6) Read all the back issues of "Highlights"
5) Pour orange juice over cornflakes
4) Bitch at Tony for being a more-than-perfect husband
3) Introduce her hormones to her brain
2) Stock up on Prozac
And the number one thing Bobbie is going to do now that she and Tony have broken up:
1) Go on a multi-city psycho killing spree

"I wanted sparks and I wanted excitement; maybe I just wanted too much."
-- Bobbie Spencer Jones

End of "Breaking Up" series

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After Brenda and Sonny had that extremely amusing subtitled plane ride in June, we decided to speculate on what other PC residents would say if they dared.

PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS (June 12 - 18 1994)

Top Ten Things Mac And Robin Are Thinking When Mac Talks To Her About Sex
10) Mac: I'm gonna kill Stone
9) Robin: Why can't Uncle Mac respect my feelings
8) Mac: I'm gonna mutilate Stone
7) Robin: He just doesn't understand what it's like to be in love
6) Mac: Oooh, that...that, Stone
5) Robin: I shouldn't feel sorry for myself when everyone is suffering so much
4) Mac: Why didn't Felicia mind her own business
3) Robin: I hope I haven't missed "Connections 2" on the Learning Channel
2) Mac: Somehow this must be Kevin's fault
And the number one thing Robin is thinking when Mac talks to her about sex:
1) Robin: Keep it up, Buddy. It'll be an extra hundred bucks on your rent

"You're not going to pull out the cucumber now are you."-- Robin Scorpio

Top Ten Things The Players Are Thinking At The Next Quartermaine Poker Game
10) Edward: Justus? Bradley's son. That would make him my....
9) Luke: If Edward ups the ante once more, we can make the next house payment
8) Alan: Now, why didn't I think of hiding Ray in a rose garden?
7) Lee: Are those twiglets fresh?
6) Steve: Mentioning Bradley Ward sure got a reaction Maybe I'll mention Ray Conway and see who has an apoplectic attack
5) Justus: If brains were gunpowder, nobody at this table could have shot my father
4) Jack Boland: I did it! I'm guilty, guilty, guilty!
3) Luke: What is Plucky Duck's relationship to Daffy?
2) Edward: Damn it, Lee ate all the twiglets again!
And the number one thing Lila is thinking at the next poker game:
1) Lila: Heh, heh, heh, I'm taking these boys to the cleaners!

"I wonder... if Reginald would bring me a Bloody Mary?" Lila Quartermaine

Top Ten Things Damian Thought About When Bobbie Was Holding A Gun On Him
10) Is my contract up?
9) Is her contract up?
8) Are blood stains covered by my deposit?
7) Well, here's a girl I can bring home to dear old Dad
6) Damn, I'm going to die and the only two women in town I've slept with are Katy Bell and Bobbie
5) Did the Mets win today?
4) Katherine the Art Chick is going to be very upset
3) This isn't going to help me resolve my traumatic conflicts, which are deeply rooted in my unhappy childhood and the tragedy that involved my mother,
which I haven't yet discussed with anyone, and god, isn't it bad enough that my sister is Roseanne
2) Thank Heavens, this means that Bobbie didn't pick me
And the number one thing Damien thought about when Bobbie was holding a gun on him:
1) Lucy in a red teddy

"I'm allergic to mushrooms." Damian Smith

Top Ten Things Katy Bell Thought of When Ned Gave Her The Ring
10) Is it edible?
9) Thank god, now I don't have to kiss A.J.s butt
8) Oh, I just love bright shiny objects
7) I can't wait to fold (and sniff) his laundry
6) Damian will be soooo jealous
5) What to have at the wedding buffet: Champagne fountain, Reginald's croissants, cheese fondue, spam, a trough of Ruby's fire alarm chili, pork rinds, caviar
canapes, pigs in a blanket, green eggs and ham, spam, assorted live rodents, radishes cut into roses, crunchy frog candy, raspberry tart with just a bit of rat, spam,
breakfast cereals, fruits bats, orangutans, spam, hot dogs (for good buddy Mac), triple-chocolate-four-tiered peanut-butter-frosted-spam-filled wedding cake and spam
4) I'm hungry
3) Sometimes my hair hurts
2) I never noticed before, but Ned looks exactly like a kewpie doll
And the number one thought Katy Bell had when Ned gave her the ring:
1) Meoooww!

"I thought you'd never ask." Katy Bell

End of the "Penny for your thoughts" series.

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June 1994
Top Ten Nurses Ball/Aids Benefit Talent Show Awards
10) The Will Shakespeare Award - For Most Unexpected Ability To Act - Goes to Stone Cates for his rendition of Romeo.
(Anyone else get the impression that Sutton is much more accustomed to stage than to television?)
9) The Madonna on Letterman Award - For Most Churlish And Uncharitable Behavior - Goes to Amy Vining for not helping out when she should and generally being a snot to Lucy (our hero!)
8) The Betty Grable Award - For "Best Gams" - Goes to Audrey Hardy, hands down.
(I'm insanely jealous that she looks that good at more than twice my age)
7) The J. Edgar Hoover Award - For Most Discrimanatory Police Officer - Goes to Sean Donely, who only wants to arrest people he doesn't like
6) The Ronald Colman Award - For Best Tux - Goes to Sonny Corinthos. Nice understated elegance and the anticipation made it seem that much better
5) The Renaissance Man Award - For Most Positive Accomplishments - Goes to Jason Quartermaine
who handled the sound and lighting, participated in a comedy routine, covered for the deplorably unhelpful Amy, had serious quality time with Keesha, and got his father out of the closet
4) The Unknown Comic Award - For Least Funny Comedy Routine - Goes to Mac Scorpio
for his unamusing diatribe against teens and shrinks. Much more amusing was the lead in with Mac being confused by everyone telling him he was
naturally funny. A.J. and Jason's comedy routine came in a close second
3) The Kalmar & Ruby Award - For Performing The Most Insidiously Haunting Tune - Goes to Dr. Kevin Collins, Dr. Simone Hardy, and Dr. Monica Quartermaine, for
"We Do Everything Alike"
2) The Slack-Off Award - For Most Undeserved Credit - Goes to Bobbie Jones, who was credited with organizing the Ball, but never seemed to do anything but make time with Damien
And the number one Talent Show Award:
1) The Clark Kent Award - For Most Amazing Quick Change Act - Goes to Lucy Coe and her wondrous wardrobe

"It was memorable." -- Jason Quartermaine

Top Ten Things To look Forward To Now That The Nurses Ball Is Over
10) Ned explaining things to Lois
9) A.J. eating Jason's dust
8) Kevin letting us peek at that dark side of his more often
7) Felicia and Mac not being together
6) Luke getting a real job
5) Mary Mae becoming quieter and quieter as Bradley's past is revealed
4) Alan explaining things to Sean
3) A mac truck hitting an unsuspecting Katy
2) Robert and Frisco returning and perhaps actually solving a crime
And the number one thing we have to look forward to now that the nurses ball is over:
1) More preemptions for O.J. newsbreaks

"This is an ABC Newsbreak with Tom Jennings." -- Announcer

Top Ten Things to Cheer Up Tony
10) Tapioca in the hospital cafeteria
9) Damian attacked in parking garage. Acid thrown in his face. Now less attractive than Tony (at least until the plastic surgery leaves behind only a minor scar)
8) Watching "Mary Poppins"
7) Bobbie's dress finally popping off in public
6) Valium
5) Having to deliver Laura's baby in a stuck elevator
4) Power tools
3) Having just one person tell him "No you shouldn't get back together with that 'ho"
2) Ice cream (Dreyer's cookie dough ice cream)
And the number one thing to cheer up Tony:
1) Wake up and find that the last six months were only a dream: B.J.'s still alive, Bobbie's her usual boring self, Lucas still not much on talking, Ren & Stimpy on
Nicklodeon at nine

"Happy, happy, joy, joy." -- Dr. Tony Jones

Top Ten Things Officer Johnson Worries About
10) Will he still look this stupid ten years from now?
9) Does Sean Donely take cream in his coffee?
8) Why does that Damian Smith guy look so familiar?
7) Does Mrs. Donely still hold that prostitute incident against him?
6) Did Irene Clayton really kill Victor Lord?
5) Pens: buy a pack and they've all disappeared by the next day
4) Why he is informally addressed as Officer Rick in the credits?
3) Sean asking him if he can I.D. the mugs who broke Frank out?
2) Will the person he's about to arrest be yet another friend or relative of the Police Commissioner?
And the number one thing Officer Johnson worries about:
1) What if Bobbie loses both Tony and Damian? She might turn to him

"Excuse me, I'll take the satement here. Who threw the first punch?"
-- Officer Richard Johnson (hero, cop and perennial extra)

Mac Scorpio's Top Ten Misconceptions
10) Hot dogs constitute a romantic meal
9) Now that I'm available they'll be beating a path to my door
8) Thinks Katy Bell is okay
7) Sheep are sacred animals
6) Doesn't think Robin's sentence was adequate: should have had her caned
5) Whales are fish
4) Jerry Lewis is a genius
3) Buying Robin a chastity belt, just another way of showing how much he loves her
2) Ryan actually responsible for Nicole Brown Simpson murder. Somehow he escaped from his chains and prison cell, caught a flight to California, committed the
murders, framed O.J. and miraculously returned to his cell
And Mac Scorpio's number one misconception:
1) Experience and training are of no value in parenting, detective work or bartending

"You might think this is another example of my latent hostility." -- Mac Scorpio

The Kevin/Ryan Series July 18th - 22nd 1994

Top Ten Ways They Could Bring Back Ryan
10) Ryan hits the bestseller list with his new line of children's books and Tiffany goes to interview him
9) Ryan let out on work release program and gets job waiting on tables at Kelly's
8) Two Words: Presidential Pardon
7) Felicia wakes up in the mountain cabin, sees Ryan coming out of the shower and realizes that the last year and a half has all been a bad dream
6) Gets to go on tour with the Idle Rich after he writes them a hit song
5) Daring escape plan involving tweezers and a package of dental floss
4) Ryan abducted by aliens and beamed into Outback freezer
3) Sean finally confesses that he was the one who murdered Jessica and doctored evidence to make it appear that Michelle was dead. Ryan completely innocent, just likes to confess
2) Kevin needs cornea transplant and Ryan volunteers for the operation
And the number one way they could bring back Ryan:
1) Adopt-a-serial-killer program implemented. Lila picks Ryan

"The wool of the black sheep is just as warm." Anna Lee (Real Lila) -- Sound of Music

Top Ten Titles For Ryan's Autobiography
10) The Port Charles Pediatrician
9) Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Serial Killers, but Were Too Terrified to Ask
8) I Love Felicia
7) Looking For Mrs. GoodMom
6) My Lawyer Really Sucked
5) All I Ever Wanted Was A Rose Covered Cottage
4) Here I Am Standing in the Rain
3) Don't Call Me Ry-Baby
2) Killers Chuckle Too
And the number one title for Ryan's Autobiography:
1) I'm Innocent! (No, really)

"Serial killers generally aren't much fun." Ryan Chamberlain

Top Ten TV Shows On Which We'd Like To See Jon Lindstrom
10) Murder She Wrote (as Jessica's friend accused of murder)
9) Late Show with David Letterman (as first guest)
8) Kung Fu: The Legend Continues (as Bad Guy)
7) ST: Deep Space Nine or Voyager (as an Alien)
6) Saturday Night Live (as the host)
5) X-Files (surprise us)
4) Twin Peaks Sequel (as new FBI agent)
3) John Larroquette Show (might help ratings)
2) Mathnet (kidnapper who can't calculate ransom correctly)
And the number one TV show on which we'd like to see Jon Lindstrom:
1) The Academy Award Show picking up his oscar for Best Actor

"Is this some kind of door prize for all his hard work."-- Ryan Chamberlain

Top Ten Similarities Between Ryan And Kevin
10) Those gorgeous eyes
9) Attraction to blonde Barbie-Doll types
8) Similar taste in clothing worn to weddings
7) Big vocabulary
6) A nice set of lungs
5) Appreciative of Brenda's ....sympathy
4) Higher life forms than Mac
3) Nobody gets their jokes
2) Same hair conditioner
And the number one similarity between Ryan and Kevin:
1) Can't digest cheese properly

"No thanks, I hate Pizza." -- Ryan
"So do I." -- Kevin

Lucy's Top Ten Decorating Tips for Kevin
10) Don't hang up picture of old girlfriend
9) Leave key labeled Lucy under doormat
8) Lots of mirrors
7) Actually hang up paintings
6) Lose neon beer signs
5) Everything black
4) Two Words: Vibrating loveseat
3) Bedroom done in pastels, with masculine stripes, and some modern bread machine sculptures, offset by a gigantic velvet portrait of Lucy
2) Get another spiral staircase and create replica of DNA
And Lucy's number one decorating tip for Kevin:
1) Erotic knick knacks

"Men don't have knick knacks." -- Kevin Collins

Top Ten Things Kevin And Lucy Were Thinking During THE KISS
10) Lucy: Great dessert; low calorie
9) Kevin: Hey, when I kiss her she stops talking
8) Lucy: He's gorgeous
7) Kevin: She's gorgeous
6) Lucy: The music is getting a lot louder
5) Kevin: What music?
4) Lucy: Damian? Damian who?
3) Kevin: Felicia? Felicia who?
2) Lucy: I'm feeling much better now
And the number one thing Kevin and Lucy were thinking during
1) Kevin & Lucy: Goooooooooaaaaaaaalllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"More wine?" Kevin

Top Ten Adjectives That Kevin Rates
10) Funny
Lucy - "You never did tell me what was for dessert."
Kevin - "Oh, darn, I put it in the freezer."
Lucy - "Can't you heat it up?"
Kevin - "Maybe, with a little cooperation."
9) Charming
"I like the way you look in my house."
8) Dangerous
"I just started experimenting one day and never stopped."
7) Intelligent
"A disinterested third party would allow you to air your problems a little bit more rationally."
6) Arrogant
"Oh, I can handle Lucy."
5) Sensitive
"There's a lot more to Lucy than she usually lets people see. She's complicated, layered, actually."
4) Odd
"I don't know what I like better, if I stay up all night and actually watch it happen or wake up and there it is"
3) Sweet
"It's all right Lucy, I've got you."
2) Sexy
"I'm going to do something truly unspeakable to her."
And the number one adjective that Kevin rates:
1) Amazing

"Amazing is good." Kevin Collins

(End Kevin/Ryan series)

July 1994
Top Ten People You Don't Want to Invite to a Party in Port Charles:

10) Bobbie Spencer Jones (Unless of course you're one of those people who want to see another sequel to the Exorcist)
9) Mac Scorpio (might try and tell some of his jokes)
8) Mary Mae Ward (might be in the mood to share some of her stories)
7) Alan Quartermaine (Has a habit of killing people before parties)
6) Katy Bell (Catering bill would soar)
5) Luke Spencer (Could snap at any moment)
4) Jessica Fletcher (A bad idea for any gathering)
3) Sonny Corinthos (Gets arrested at the most inopportune moments)
2) Laura Spencer (Could give birth at any time)
And the number one person you don't want to invite to a party in Port Charles:
1) Dr. Tony "Life is full of golden opportunities to get your teeth kicked in" Jones

Top Ten People You Do Want To Invite to a Party In Port Charles
10) Felicia (mixes a mean drink)
9) Jason (Doesn't hurt to have a cute, unattached guy hanging out)
8) Lucy (Wears entire wardrobe in one evening)
7) Reginald (Second cutest guy in town)
6) Lois (Brings her own band)
5) Kevin (He's a barrel of monkeys)
4) Lila (Neat wheelchair tricks)
3) David Letterman (Can read Top Ten Lists to liven up party)
2) Brenda (Decorative and clever)
And the number one person you do want to invite to a party in Port Charles:
1) Ned (Can juggle)

"You have no idea how good I've become at keeping my balls in the air."

Top Ten Things Overheard at Jon's Target Grand Opening
10) He's on a soap opera; General Hospital
9) Is that the line?
8) Are there anymore Lion King lunch boxes left?
7) He used to be Ryan, the guy who was trying to kill Felicia who was married to Frisco, the one who plays golf now, but now he's his twin, who's going out with
Lucy, who used to be married to Alan and Tony, but not at the same time, only Tony married Bobbie who's cheating with Damian. And she had Scotty and Dom's baby
and named her Purina.... No, Lucy, the one who's going out with HIM
6) Please, we have to keep the aisle clear
5) Who was that? (Uusally spoken by a small child, clutching autographed picture)
4) He's got gorgeous eyes
3) Where's Barbie?
2) Is it getting warm in here, or is it just me?
And the number one thing overheard at Jon Lindstrom's Target Grand Opening:
1) He's even better looking in person than he is on Television

Top Ten Things Sean And Tiffany Argue About
10) The O.J. Simpson case
9) Who has to cook?
8) Hair care products
7) Fidelity: pros and cons
6) Celadon
5) That fabulous babe, Garcia
4) Letting Mac eat at the dinner table
3) Tiffany's penchant for decorating the kitchen with Cows
2) Should Sean work or stay at home and take care of the house
And the number one thing Sean and Tiffany argue about:
1) Should the toilet paper roll go over or under

Top Ten Ways To Improve Miguel's Image

10) Hide his cue cards
9) Romance with Madonna
8) Sing more James Taylor
7) Sex change operation
6) Marry Lisa Marie Presley
5) Two words: English tutor
4) Appear on the Letterman show
3) Cure the hair flipping, hand twitching tics
2) Stay away from Brenda and Sonny
And the number one way to improve Miguel's image
1) A regular program of good oral hygiene

"Mumble, mumble, mumble, que?" Miguel Morez

Top Ten Reasons The Toxic Incinerator is a Bad Idea

10) Luke's hair already too curly
9) Miguel singing Dylan tunes at sit-ins
8) Might distract Ned from Lois
7) Just another problem for already overburdened EPA
6) Egads, what if Ruby takes an interest?
5) Mutant Mary Mae
4) Laura might nickname baby "Rainbow Warrior"
3) Using the improperly discarded toxic waste, Lucky develops a species of giant worms that eat more than just garbage
2) Too near graveyard: toxic waste revives Dominique
And the number one reason the Toxic Incinerator is a bad idea:
1) That much less screen time for Kevin and Lucy

"Who are you going to believe? Me or your own eyes." --Lucy

Top Ten Things On The Meeting Agenda For FGC Kevin Unlimited

10) Confirm Razz as CEO (All those in favor say "wowee!")
9) Put together flow chart for Kevin/Grace/Baby scenario
8) Tally up who holds how much stock. (Let's see. Majority stockholder Lynelle with 37.5% Razz with 8% [Well, that's all the CEO of ELQ has.] If Jean is accepted as
a stockholder by Razz and Lynelle 12% for her [the most common amount held by Q's in ELQ] and if permitted we [T'n'T] would like a Lucy-sized 5%. That's sixty two
point five percent gone so far.)
7) Create FGC Kevin Unlimited Logo
6) Vote on official policy to encourage Frisco and Felicia to reunite
5) Discuss hostile takeover of FGC Ryan Ltd. (Kidding Awesome 1, kidding.)
4) Give .5% of stock to publicity person to handle negative press
3) Make Mac jokes
2) Invite FGC Lucy over for cappuccino
And the number one thing on the meeting agenda for FGC Kevin Unlimited
1) Swearing a blood oath

"That's something I only discuss with my analyst." -- Kevin Collins

Top Ten Nasty Little Pranks Reginald Pulls On Katherine
10) Not delivering the messages that Ned really does leave
9) Waters down her bourbon
8) Keeps announcing her as "Hot Lips"
7) Substitues hydrochloric acid for her peroxide
6) Tells her she's required to participate in ancient Quartermaine Vogon poetry reciting ritual
5) Sends her love notes signed S.B.
4) Always messing with timer so Katy can't record Guiding Light
3) Tells anyone who asks that Katy Bell and Annabelle are related
2) Keeps asking her if she could give Cook a hand in the kitchen
And the number one nasty little prank Reginald pulls on Katherine:
1) Hides her Midol

"I'll go look for that." Reginald

Top Ten Reasons Sonny Might Seek Kevin's Professional Help
10) Overwhelming urges to Mambo
9) Has strange feeling he's being followed by a giant hedgehog
8) Doubting his sexuality
7) The Baseball strike
6) Nightmares about Karen and the Pole
5) Sometimes imagines he's only a character in a soap opera
4) Lois reminds him of the bad old days in Brooklyn
3) Luke jokingly recommends Kevin
2) A tad upset after shooting, stabbing, strangling, suffocating and bludgeoning to death Miguel Morez (and there was much rejoicing *yay*)
And the number one reason Sonny might seek Kevin's professional help:
1) Brenda

"You call that dancing?" Sonny Corinthos (voicing a valid artistic criticism)

Top Ten Characters That Need To Be Aopted As FGCs And Some Sample Defenses
10) Mary Mae Ward (The Mae Mae Monster, Yo Mama):
Actually might be pretty cool, especially if she did bury Bradley in her rose garden
9) Sean Donely (Java-Man, Porky, Mr. Tiffany Hill):
Must surely be up to some brilliant criminal plan: can't be as incompetent as he appears
8) Alan Quartermaine (The Killer Q, Mr. Short Attention Span, Dr. Clueless):
Sure, he's got the common sense of a surgical sponge, but he brings home a big paycheck and apologizes with extravagant gifts
7) Ruby Anderson (Madame X, The Stud Collector):
Always gives bad advice, but she doesn't fool around when she makes that chili hot
6) Councilman Blake (Blake-On-The-Take):
How's a councilman supposed to get by if doesn't take bribes. (Somebody better take him quick because he might not last long)
5) Marco Dane (Motormouth, The Soap Fugitve, Snakeskin, Doc Mario):
Was the smartest man in Port Charles, until he sensibly and quietly left town months ago
4) Lee Baldwin (The Legal Eagle, Twiglet Man):
He is the Q lawyer, but he was not involved with any nefarious goings on twenty years ago. He was far too busy with Meg and Scotty and other visually documented activities
3) Miguel Morez (Menudo Man, Monkey Boy, Hairball, The Fantastic Mr. Spastic):
Mercifully unable to generate sparks with Brenda. Hand gestures not as severely pronounced as Julio Iglesias. As far as we know, had nothing to do with the tragic iguana smuggling incident in Puerto Rico a few years back
2) Bobbie Spencer Jones (The Bulwark, Nurse Silly, Boobie, That stupid 'ho):
She's not a 'ho. She gives it away now
And the number one character that needs to be adopted as an FGC:
1) Officer Rick (Rambo) Johnson: Nearly stopped the escape of Frank Smith, almost thought there was something fishy about Damian when he stole the evidence right out from under their noses, busted Tiffany for prostitution, keeping the road clear of Sean's extended family. He's a
genuine hero.

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