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September 1994 - December 1994


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(As the newly dubbed FGC Reginald we wrote a few lists in that persona.)

September 1994
Top Ten Annoying Things About Working For The Quartermaines
10) Edward still gets my name wrong half the time (Ralph, Rudy, Roderick, Rapunzel, Annabelle)
9) Monica; complain, complain, complain and really sucking down the champagne lately too
8) Jason: Has already changed water into wine and walked across the swimming pool. I'm alarmed about what this
might be leading to
7) Alan; keeps digging graves in the garden and telling me it's the Panama Canal
6) Lila always asking me if I can obtain a lid of marijauna for her
5) Ned starting to hide behind me whenever Katy comes into the room
4) Annabelle eats better than I do
3) A.J. insists on addressing me as "my man!"
2) Brenda and Lois flouncing around in those skimpy outfits have made me drop the tea service at least three times.
(Afraid Sonny might catch me drooling over "his Woman")
And the number one annoying thing about working for the Quartermaines
1) Still desperately miss Tracy's sunny disposition and gentle aura

"Reginald, I'd like to have coffee on the veranda this morning."
-- Lila Quartermaine

September 2nd 1994
Top Ten Things That Damian Might Do When He Gets Out Of The Catacombs
10) Drop jacket off at dry cleaners
9) Apologize to Lucy for missing their lunch date
8) File a law suit against the hotel because of the really lousy security
7) Renew force field around hair
6) Three words: Watch more MacGyver
5) Introduce new little friends, Ben and Willard, to Bobbie, preferably in a sealed coffin, which he'll bury, with a two
way radio in Mae-Mae's rose garden
4) Ask a certain Art Chick to hurry over with a nice warm towel
3) Turn over a new leaf. Stop and smell the flowers. Be kind to his fellow human beings. Forgive his father.
Make everything up to Bobbie and Tony. Insist on ending the bet with Lucy. Bring the incinerator project to a
halt before it damages the Charles Street Neighborhood. Agree to sponsor the Doctors' Ball. Donate hair
follicles to science. Volunteer to help with the children at Mae-Mae's.... Naaaaaahhhhhh!
2) Admit his passionate yearnings to Mac
And the number one thing Damian might do when he gets out of the catacombs:
1) Beg Katybell to bear his children

"Watch out for Catacomb Charlie." -- Bobbie Jones

September 7th 1994
Top Ten Things You Should Know About Reginald
10) Likes Pineapple on his Pizza
9) Does all the floral arrangements for the mansion (Lila just puts in the last flower)
8) Goes cruisin' for babes with the Quartermaine Limo
7) Owns every Mel Torme album ever made
6) Preparing to talk to publisher about his tell-all book re: the Quartermaines
5) Two words: psychic powers
4) Not actually Jennings nephew (just as Tracy suspected!) Really a WSB agent trained in Tibet and sent to Port
Charles to counter plans laid by the mysterious criminal mastermind behind the scenes in Port Chuck. Missed WSB
course on "blending in". Expert in jujitsu, firearms and croissants.
3) Degree in astrophysics
2) Plotting Katy Bell's grisly death
And the number one thing you should know about Reginald
1) The reason he wears suspenders... to keep his pants up, of course

"Oh, boy. This staff must be ever so fond of you." -- Lucy Coe

September 1994
Top Ten People Who Want To Kill Katy Bell And Their Motives
10) A.J. - "It's a no Brainer"
Deep down, he's devastated that Katherine didn't pick him instead of Ned
9) Lila - "Arsenic and Old Lace"
Saw Katherine use dessert fork for entree: the last straw
8) Damian - "Killdozer"
Just lost control of new wheelchair and mowed her down
7) Edward, Lee & Jack - "The Over The Hill Gang"
Katy's PR sucks, heh, heh, heh
6) The Spencers - "The Family That Kills Together"
Rose garden needed more fertilizer; all Foster's idea
5) Reginald - "The Butler Did It"
Just cleaning up
4) Lucy - "You Got Some 'Splainin To Do"
Seemed like a good idea at the time; forgot to talk to Kevin first
3) Amy - "Blonde Ambition"
Couldn't stand the competition of yet another blonde in town
2) Steve "Patch" Johnson - "Days of Whine and Roses"
Upset that his "sweetness" is with another man
And the number one person who wants to kill Katy Bell and his motive:
1) Ned - "My Least Favorite Wife"
Just couldn't meet her demands for sex any longer

"I'm in need of your special brand of Katherine tolerance."-- Ned Ashton

Top Ten Things That Make Kevin Grumpy
10) Art critics
9) Incorrectly prepared cappuccino
8) People not getting his puns or historical references
7) Barney the Dinosaur
6) Chintz
5) Mentioning Ryan
4) Banana cream pies
3) Annoying airhead blonde barbie doll friends who don't know when to leave well enough alone and back off
2) All the amateurs practicing psychiatry in Port Charles
And the number one thing that makes Kevin grumpy:
1) He doesn't fool Lucy for one minute

"Don't put too much stock in me." -- Kevin Collins (Too late, babe, investors are pouring in.)

Top Ten Ways To Make Kevin Happy
10) Gush about his paintings
9) Use a high pressure jet
8) Intelligent conversation
7) Donald Duck Cartoons
6) Leather
5) Pretend you've never heard of Ryan Chamberlain
4) A private romantic dinner with lots of double entendres
3) Agree with him and ignore all his little quirks
2) The prospect of getting Sonny in therapy
And the number way to make Kevin Happy:
1) Lucy

"You bring out the demons in me, Lucy." -- Kevin Collins

Top Ten Horrible Gruesome Ways To Kill Off Bobbie
10) Devoured by army ants
9) Sucked down into Quicksand while Damian looks on laughing maniacally and drinking a pina colada
8) Takes nap in morgue, accidentally dissected
7) Just can't move fast enough when that freight train comes rolling down the tracks (Whooooooo!, Whoooooo!)
6) Trapped in hospital lab where they've been running radiation experiments that have caused common household
spiders and roaches to grow to two hundred times their normal size. Found dead in the morning from conniption
5) Ripped limb from limb by Robin's fake bear
4) Leprosy
3) A little bird whispers in Ryan Chamberlain's ear that Bobbie is the one who stole his mother's picture. He
waltzes out of the prison, tracks down Bobbie, takes her to the airport, decides not to kill her (because, of
course, he's really innocent of all these terrible crimes he's accused of), but in her fright at seeing him
she backs into a jet propellor.
2) All residual brain activity stops from disuse, resulting in convulsions, loss of voluntary motor activity and eventually, of course, breathing
And the number one horrible gruesome way to kill off Bobbie:
1) A harpoon

"This isn't over yet." -- Damian Smith

September 1994
Top Ten Things Lois Might Do Now That She Knows Neddie's Real Identity

10) Check over that pre-nuptial agreement
9) Serve him a plate of stuffed toadstools
8) Discuss changing his singing style...to soprano
7) Give Dad hunting rifle for his birthday and then tell him about Ned
6) Move into Quartermaine mansion, put her feet up on the coffee table and tell Reginald to bring her a beer in
their finest crystal
5) Release CD with his face clearly displayed, dimples and all
4) Tell Ned the real story. She's actually the heiress to a Breakfast Cereal empire. She hired actors to play her family and wanted the pre-nup to protect her fortune
3) Ask Sonny to put her in touch with somebody that can take care of a little "problem" for her
2) Stop calling Brenda girlfriend
And the number one thing Lois might do now that she knows Neddie's real identity:
1) Celebrate: now free to date Tony "party animal" Jones

"My heart is breaking into a million pieces" -- Lois Cerullo

Top Ten High Points In Officer Rick Johnson's LawEnforcement Career
10) Picking up the Commissioner's wife for prostitution
9) Letting Damian steal all the evidence in the Ray Conway murder
8) Took the rap for all the rest of the cops who let Damian waltz in and out of the station. Fired!
7) New job at prison. Got a little bit suspicious when Luke and Sonny busted Frank out in their silly
disguises. But couldn't get the phone calls through fast enough to stop them
6) Strangely enough, even though he was entirely unsuccessful at his job as prison gaurd, he was hired
back by The Port Charles Police Department seconds later
5) Arrested Sean's goddaughter, Robin, for drunk driving
4) Officer of the Day for the fifth time this week
3) Narrowly avoided arresting Foster for taking a bite out of crime
2) Tried to arrest Foster, ended up in the catacombs congratulating Lucky for rescuing Damian
And the number one high point of Officer Rick Johnson's Law Enforcement career:
1) Teaching Foster new trick; reading the miranda rights

"Are you laughing at me?" Officer Rick Johnson (Our Hero)


Top Ten Jobs For Which Luke is Qualified
10) Dog catcher
9) Department of Motor Vehicles clerk
8) Grade school counselour
7) Sanitation Engineer
6) Air Traffic Controller
5) Travel writer: "How to see the world while being pursued by a gangster"
4) Community theater director
3) Night club manager
2) Governor of New York State
And the number one job for which Luke is Qualified
1) New Ambassador to Haiti

"I've got news for you, he's smarter than you are now." -- Sonny Corinthos to Luke re: Lucky

Top Ten Ways Bradley Might Have Died
10) Suicide? (But what about that seventh bullet?)
9) Isabella (jealous wife)
8) Burglars
7) Mary-Mae (lyin' her face off - still!)
6) Edward Quartermaine (Oh, no! couldn't stand having yet one more illegitimate child)
5) Alan (started killing early)
4) Steve "Slugger" Hardy (paid assassin)
3) Killed by ....A Tree! (We read it in the *P scoops. We suspect that big sycamore out back)
2) Jack "isn't it obvious" Boland
And the number one way Bradley might have died
1) Good friend, Eugene jealous of Bradley's way with the dames

"I can't accept that about my father." Justus Ward

September 1994
Top Ten Reasons We Miss Laura
10) She's distracting Number One from his Starfleet duties
9) Lucky, THIS close to getting a tattoo
8) Nobody giving Foster his daily vitamin supplements
7) Luke changing bedroom decor to 70's kitsch
6) Worm farm getting out of hand
5) Household accounts in disarray
4) Mae-Mae tells much more depressing stories to Luke
3) Felicia lost, now that Laura; her sponsor in "Blondes Anonymous" is out of town
2) No one to protect Sly from Luke's "advice"
And the number one reason we miss Laura
1) That much more screentime for Miguel

"She left me once...no, twice." Miguel Morez

In honor of Lynn Herring's birthday on 9/22 we have written a special Top Ten List

Top Ten Reasons We Love Lucy

10) Her vivid imagination
9) She has a good relationship with food
8) She knows Dewey Decimal system backward & forward
7) Absolutely sparkles whenever she lies through her teeth
6) She takes great pleasure in the little things, like: throwing away Katy Bell's lipstick, songs from Wizard of Oz, picnics, cappuccino muffins, high pressure jets.....
5) Doesn't mention Dom and Serena nearly as much
4) Got a lot out of therapy
3) Psychic connection to audience: always says what we want to say
2) She is the Queen of Bad!
And the number one reason we love Lucy:
1) She can wrap Kevin, or any other man, around her little finger

"Nobody's perfect." -- Lucy Coe

Sept 29 1994
Top Ten Things We Might See At Kelly's Grand Re-Opening
10) Twenty years of gunk scraped off of grill
9) Life sized poster of Antonio Sabato Jr. over the cash register
8) Salt and Pepper in correct shakers
7) Poor Lily, poor, poor Lily is forced to live and work at Kelly's and associate with Miguel
6) Return of the joyful community spirit
5) Outbreak of Ptomaine poisoning
4) Redecorated; celadon counters and tables, origami wall hangings, tons and tons of origami. Just so damn relaxing
3) Croissants added to menu
2) New liquor license
And the number one thing we might see at Kelly's Grand Re-Opening
1) Ruby; back at the counter dispensing advice, plutonium based coffee and illegal passports

Welcome back Norma Connolly!!!

Top Ten Reasons We Simply Adore Miguel
10) The way he tosses his gorgeous mane of hair
9) His charasmatic personality has us hypnotized (or, wait, did we just fall asleep?)
8) The way he emulates the graceful gestures of his idols, William Shatner and Julio Iglesias
7) Heard he has mailed application for sainthood to the Pope
6) The chemistry between Brenda and Miguel is smokin'!
5) The allure of his seductive ditties
4) Those mesmerizing Guinness Stout-colored eyes
3) The way he says, "Lelee, Lelee, Lelee!"
2) The sparks between Mac and Miguel are electrifying
And the numero uno reason we simply adore Miguel:
1) He's paying us

"I don't understand." Miguel Morez

September 1994
Top Ten People Who Might Have Poisoned Katy
10) Alan: Oh, just another body left in his wake
9) Jason: Went to all the trouble to make himself a suspect so we had to put him on the list
8) Monica: Understandably crabby lately and it is her house so why not off the interloper
7) A.J.: Takes after his Dad
6) Lila: Knows exactly what effect cooks canapes usually have on the unsuspecting
5) Amy: Jealous of Katy's frequent visits to potential love slave, Damian
4) Lois: Youse don't mess with girls from Bensonhurst
3) Edward: Nobody tells him to "shut up!"
2) Ned: Distraught over the way Katy raped him in the hot tub
And the number one person who might have poisoned Katy:
1) Reginald: Well, who else would be smart enough

"Oh, I'm sure it all be over before you know it." -- Reginald Jennings

October 1994
Top Ten Reasons We Want A Few Shares of Nedling Unltd.
10) Ned bears amazing resemblance to Justin Kiriakis
9) Ned is Tracy's son: Tracy is cool
8) Ned a much better CEO than any other Q
7) Ned has cool friends like Damian and Brenda
6) Hoping to encourage a Kevin/Ned Merger
5) Admire the Nedling greatly for his on-the-spot-lying ability
4) Leather pants
3) Heard that Wally will be making personal appearances at the homes of Nedling shareholders...in a towel
2) CEO Tangy Nancy, and shareholder Razz, nearly famous (Picture in SOW)
And the number one reason we want a few shares of Nedling Unltd.
1) Cold hands, warm heart

"I think this is progress." -- Nedly Quartermaine

(In Honor of Shell Kepler's Birthday - 10/5)

Top Ten Things That Have Been Bothering Amy Lately
10) All her roommates have disappeared and she has to pay rent all by herself
9) Everytime she propositions paramedic boyfriend he claims to have an "emergency"
8) Not so much as a postcard from dear sister, Laura
7) Can't get the hang of anal thermometer
6) Still haven't gotten settlement in breast-implant suit
5) O.J. trial might interrupt soaps
4) Distressed to learn that she's now the SENIOR nurse on floor staff. (Jesse twirling in her grave)
3) Bobbie's dog-in-the-manger attitude about Damian (at least leave him functional for the rest of us)
2) Roots showing
And the number one thing that's been bothering Amy lately:
1) The precarious Hatian situation

"Oh, he's not so bad." -- Amy Vining

Top Ten Reasons I (Reginald Jennings) Am Not The One Who Attempted To Murder Katy Bell
10) She wasn't worth the effort
9) Wouldn't want to upset Lila by littering the house with a corpse
8) I was in another state...yeah that's the ticket. I was in... Connecticut
7) Didn't think of it (seriously)
6) So many other people in line ahead of me
5) I don't do that sort of thing... anymore
4) I wouldn't have used Quinobarbitol and Digoxin; would have used common household poison, Drano
3) Too obvious and cliche
2) I'm not a Quartermaine; I do have some moral fiber
And the number one reason I (Reginald Jennings) am not the one who attempted to murder Katy Bell:
1) I was actually madly in love with Katy; we were having a torrid affair. Neither one of us had any intention of
breaking it off. Since she had given up on Ned, we were going to move in together; wear each others
clothes; get a little house with a white picket fence and roses vining all over it. She was going to have my
children. *sob*

"She'll never darken this doorway again." -- Reginald Jennings

Top Ten Things Higher On Sean's Priority List Than Ray Conway's (Accidental!) Murder
10) Flirting with Monica
9) Buying new "Smashing Pumpkins" CD
8) Stopping Tiffany from using lethal amounts of hairspray
7) Teaching Mac to tie his own shoelaces
6) Filling ice cube trays
5) Pretending all of Garcia's good ideas are his
4) Signing Miguel up for "Hooked on Phonics"
3) Having desk chair reupholstered
2) Taping every episode of "The Commish"
And the number one thing higher on Sean's Priority List Than Ray Conway's (Accidental!) Murder:
1) Making Officer Johnson's life a living hell

"This is an official visit." -- Sean Donely

Top Ten Reasons Kevin isn't a Total Monster for Saying That Lucy is Using B.J.'s Death
10) Hey, it's not like he was committing bigamy and lying about his real name and building a toxic
incinerator in a residential neighborhood, like some people
9) He didn't mean what he was saying and she didn't mean what she was saying; in fact they weren't there
at all
8) What he really meant was "I love you."
7) Kevin had a nasty hangover
6) He was incorrectly identifying Lucy with "lethal" Grace
5) Thought it was April Fools Day
4) That wasn't Kevin: It was Ryan
3) Sexual frustration
2) This week he is going to apologize profusely for his remarks, with flowers, wine (white) and candy and
a proposition
And the number one reason Kevin isn't a total monster for saying that
Lucy is using B.J.'s death:
1) Well, she is

"You're automatically vulnerable. You don't get a vote." -- Kevin Collins

October 18th (In honor of Jon Lindstrom's Birthday)

Top Ten Good Things That Could Happen to Kevin
10) Office repainted
9) Felicia turns to Tony
8) Sonny shows up for therapy; business is booming
7) Mac and Kevin bond in aboriginal ceremony
6) Ruby doesn't throw rolls at him when he comes into Kelly's
5) Allowed to associate with more than three characters
4) Is never introduced to Miguel
3) Ryan sends him personalized license plate "SHRINK"
2) No more nightmares about that moistened bint, Grace
And the number one good thing that could happen to Kevin:
1) Lucy remembers his name

"Luuuy! Luuuy!" -- Kevin Collins

Top Ten Good Things That Could Happen To Ryan
10) Prison rec room repainted a lovely shade of celadon
9) Prisoner in the next cell stops displaying an interest when Ryan mentions his alleged body count
8) Finally allowed to work in prison laundry; creates poison gas from soap flakes and cleaning agents
7) Takes up transcendental meditation and has an out-of-body experience
6) Mac and Sean stop sending hate mail
5) Allowed to associate with someone (anyone!)
4) Is never introduced to Miguel
3) Kevin sends him a candy-gram
2) No more nightmares about Mother
And the number one good thing that could happen to Ryan:
1) Felicia requests conjugal visits

"That's nice, that's really nice." -- Ryan Chamberlain

October 22 1994
Top Ten Jobs That Damian Could Get Now That He's Broke
10) Waiting tables at Kelly's (Luke should have thought about that. Now there's vengeance)
9) Deception model for the mens line (Come on Lucy, be big about it. He's the perfect symbol for the company)
8) Could run errands for Sonny (Stone seems to be paying less attention to his job lately)
7) Computer consultant (Let's get PC on the information superhighway)
6) Join the PC Police Department. (Why not? Sean's an ex-con, Jagger robbed Kelly's, at least Damian's never
been convicted of anything.)
5) McDonald's Fry Cook (Ah, can you see him in the little hat?)
4) He could run for city councilman
3) Takes out another loan, buys the property Edward and his gang have to dump in the Charles Street Neighborhood
because Ned's decided to build the incinerator in a cow pasture. Damian becomes one hell of slum lord
2) Lucky hires Damian to sell worm garbage disposals
And the number one job Damian could get now that he's broke:
1) Handing out towels at the YMCA gym (Yes, Damian, Keeper of the Towels)

"Go away, Bobbie." -- Damian Smith

Top Ten Ways To Recognize a Days of Our Lives Refugee
10) They wonder why Kayla is being such a nasty bitch
9) They're so happy to see Marty Davich in the credits
8) Get all weepy when they hear Danny Boy. (Like us)
7) Everytime you say some story on GH is unlikely they can come back with something much worse from Days
6) Didn't realize that comedy could be used on soaps (at least not since Eugene and Calliope left)
5) Somewhat immune to Miguel having had large doses of Austin
4) Delighted by continuity
3) Weird "fruit and nut" nicknames
2) Still wonder what Tommy is doing up in the attic
And the number one way to recognize a Days of Our Lives refugee:
1) Relishing the new concept of feminism

"You're acting like this is Days of Our Lives!" -- Thomas "Heart and Souls"

October 31st 1994
Top Ten Things That Really Scare Ned
10) Katy in a hot tub
9) Thunder
8) Tracy coming back
7) ELQ Christmas party
6) Miguel wanting to sing duets
5) Roller Coasters
4) Only person who actually understands him is Brenda
3) Lois agrees to get back together with him on the condition that he go to work at the Bradley Ward House
doing cooking and cleaning. Mary Mae insists on teaching Nedly how to knit and telling him stories about her
angelic children and dead husbands
2) Sean tired of waiting for a clue; arrests everyone in the mansion
And the number one thing that really scares Ned:
1) Threatening the family jewels

"Just like the lesson that Justus Ward had to learn, huh?" -- Ned

October 31st 1994
Top Ten Things That Really Scare Sonny
10) Karen and the pole
9) Heights
8) Disco coming back
7) L&B's first quarterly report
6) Miguel beginning to confide in him
5) Subways
4) Only person who actually understands him is Ruby
3) After Luke opens the blues club he has a blast from the past inspiration and decides to hold a psychic friends
show, using his pyschometric powers. He gets an impression from Mae Mae's scarf and intuits that she and
Edward once appreciated music together. Luke's pathetic performance results in an empty club and no rent.
2) Officer Johnson remembers where he first saw Sonny
And the number one thing that really scares Sonny:
1) Brenda's EPT test turns pink

"I don't think the Brooklyn song will work." -- Sonny

October 31st 1994
Top Ten Things That Really Scare Damian
10) Bobbie with an ice bucket
9) Handicapped spaces all taken
8) Jennifer coming back to Port Charles after divorcing Billy "Bags" Boggs
7) Really having to come up with that 25,000 dollar reward
6) Katy dumps Damian once again. This time for the super rich pop star, Miguel Morez
5) Punctuation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
4) Only person who actually understands him is Ned
3) Broke and homeless, Damian is taken in by Ruby who makes him work as a fry cook during the day and her
boy-toy at night. Katy hangs around outside the kitchen door each morning begging for scraps and loose change.
Desperate, Damian asks his father for help. Frank laughs hysterically and recommends a gourmet cooking course.
2) Cusak turns state evidence
And the number one thing that really scares Damian
1) Emotional intimacy

("Get out!") "Get out!" -- Coma Katy and her echo Damian

October 31st 1994
Top Ten Things That Really Scare Keesha
10) Granny Mae with a photo album
9) Left turns
8) Psychic powers coming back
7) Finding out Mae-Mae isn't paying her. Has to go out and find a real job
6) Miguel looking for a date
5) The microwave oven
4) Only person who actually understands her is A.J.
3) Jason proposes marriage; they elope. Blood tests reveal that Jason is actually her sister. They have the
marriage annulled and go shopping for matching dresses to wear to Jason's debutante ball. To their horror
Bobbie shows up in the same dress
2) Forced to become a lawyer
And the number one thing that really scares Keesha
1) Jason shows no signs of going past first base

"You taught me to think for myself." -- Keesha Ward

October 31st 1994
Top Ten Things That Really Scare Katy Bell
10) Reginald with a serving tray
9) Tornadoes
8) Scotty coming back with a grudge and an uzi
7) Car insurance premiums not paid up
6) Miguel uses the same shampoo she does
5) Allergic reaction to cubic zirconium
4) Only person who actually understands her is Lucy
3) Broke and homeless, Katy begs for scraps and loose change behind Kelly's and on the streets of Port Charles. Lucy offers to hire Katy as her handmaiden, but Katy rejects the offer and goes to live in the catacombs. She and Charlie strike up an intimate friendship before Katy is permanently carted off to the Port Charles home for the terminally insipid
2) Not invited to ELQ Christmas Party
And the number one thing that really scares Katy
1) A little Nedling might be on the way

"Couldn't I have just one little diamond." -- Dream Katy

November 1994
The Top Ten Things We're Looking For In A New FGC
10) Not Miguel
9) A glimmer of intelligence
8) The character should currently be presumed Alive (I know, big limitation)
7) A sense of humor (very important in any relationship, don't you think?) and/or ability to provide good comedy material
6) Entertaining FGC Board Meetings (with twiglets)
5) Not about to shuffle off this mortal coil
4) No overwhelmingly annoying oddities in his/her voice
3) A character who has the good sense not to do anything especially stupid, and hence cause us to put in
overtime defending him/her
2) An anchor for some clever new type of FGC organization
(Suggestion: like FGC Lois and FGC Brenda and FGC Sonny choosing to form FGC L&B Records and instead of shareholders have "artists" "engineers", "sales reps", etc.)
And the number one thing we're looking for in a new FGC
1) Someone who doesn't take up more than twenty spaces

"Don't put too much stock in me." -- Kevin Collins

December 2nd 1994

Top Ten Things I, Reginald, Absolutely Refuse To Do For The Quartermaines
10) Try on wigs for Monica
9) Set mousetraps (I draw the line at mice...and worms ...and ducks ...and....)
8) Take collect calls from Tracy
7) Let A.J. Practice his stand-up routine on me
6) Give Annabelle's illegitmate puppies a name
5) Help Alan bury bodies in our rose garden
4) Go close enough to the gatehouse to hear Miguel singing
3) If Jason asks, lie down in front of the bulldozers preparing to level Charles Street for the toxic incinerator, and then go to the corner pub with a chap from Betelgeux, and hitch a ride on a Vogon space ship and....
2) Reveal Cook's true identity
And the number one thing I, Reginald, absolutely refuse to do for the Quartermaine's:
1) Confess to Bradley Ward's murder

"Please don't ask me to compromise my fundamental principles." -- Reginald Jennings

December 10th 1994
Top Ten Things That Mac and Kevin Have in Common
10) Male
9) Like wine (admittedly not the same sort)
8) Same number of appendages
7) Spending time at the Outback
6) Wannabe Party Dudes
5) Often baffled by Lucy
4) Look really smashing in certain colors
3) Positive that they know what's best for Felicia and that somehow her decisions are any business of theirs
2) That commitment problem
And the number one thing Mac and Kevin have in common:
1) Haven't been getting any... you know

"You're right, there's something fundamentally wrong here." -- Kevin Collins

December 10th 1994
Top Ten Things That Might Have Happened to That Duck
10) Sold to passing gypsies
9) Lucas' new pet
8) Devoured, feathers and all, by a ravenous Felicia
7) Bobbie took it to the hospital lab to use for experimentation
6) Carl at the Grill gave in and properly prepared the bird for the Jones family dinner
5) Tony's adopted the duck and is keeping it in his apartment as a sympathetic companion
4) Kevin went to the waterfront and set the duck free
3) The duck escaped and valiantly found it's way back to Reginald
2) Presently residing in Kevin's bathtub
And the number one thing that might have happened to that Duck:
1) Sequestered as an alternate juror in the Edward Quartermaine murder trial

"What will the duck have to drink?" Dr. Tony Jones

Top Ten Ways to Make Sure Kevin Gets More Than a Minute of Airtime a Week
10) Bribe the Producers
9) Have Miguel mysteriously eaten by sharks; leaving more screen time for everyone else
8) Make him psychiatric consultant for the new Sonny/Damian Nice Mob Organization
7) Let him fall asleep on the couch
6) Have Lucy return from Puerto Rico for some private... confidential... intimate therapy
5) Repeat over and over: I do believe in Kevin; I do believe in Kevin; I do believe in Kevin....
4) Two words: a Towel
3) Forget to set the timer, or forget to put in the tape, or have a power outage, or an O.J. preempt, or...
2) Bring Ryan back
And the number one way to make sure Kevin gets more than a minute of airtime a week:
1) Get him a contract with L&B Records

"I had surmised as much." -- Kevin Collins

Top Ten Things Reginald Hates About the Holidays
10) Have to untangle Christmas Lights A.J. took down last year
9) Tracy forgets to send him a Christmas card again
8) Cook hangs mistletoe everywhere; hard to avoid her
7) The family is unwilling to destroy Jason's belief in Santa Claus; they expect Reginald to stomp around
on the roof Christmas Eve and pretend he's a herd of Reindeer
6) Miguel is going Christmas Caroling
5) Alan insists on pulling out old "Cinderella" tape during the holidays
4) Ned throws his annual yuletide temper tantrum when he doesn't get to put the star on top of the Christmas tree
3) Edward's idea of a Christmas bonus is second helpings of gruel
2) Lila's plan for Christmas shopping involves Reginald and a fork lift
And the number one thing Reginald hates about the holidays:
1) Fruitcake

"Every year, same thing; find all the pieces to that darn train set."-- Reginald

Top Ten Things Kevin Hates About The Holidays

10) Allergic to egg nog
9) Left his Christmas Stocking in Switzerland
8) Mac really hard to shop for; couldn't find a good boomerang anywhere
7) Big plastic Santa keeps tumbling off the lighthouse roof
6) Psychiatric workload increases a hundredfold during the holiday season
5) Found out Lucy's getting him a "Mother Nature's Own Garbage Disposal" for Christmas
4) All those polite requests about if there's any receipts for the paintings he's given as gifts
3) Steve actually requires him to attend the General Hospital Christmas Party
2) Has to cancel parachute jump he planned for Felicia's Christmas present
And the number one thing Kevin hates about the holidays:
1) Fruitcake

I plan to spend my holiday in quiet contemplation." -- Kevin


Top Ten Excuses/Explanations The Net.Partygoers Had When They Were Arrested By The Ever Alert PCPD

10) Well, it didn't say "No Railroad Crossing"
9) Is that illegal in THIS state?
8) Really, Officer Johnson, it's nog, just nog
7) But Kumquat Peel likes to be tied up
6) We were all legally insane at the time; and beside it was all Toomces' idea
5) You must want the house next door; besides this is soap reality; if you ain't got a body, he ain''t dead and it was all Razz' fault anyway
4) Hey, we'll make a bargain with you: you wanna know who poisoned Katy Bell? (The Legal Chick, trying to cut a deal)
3) Twister is a perfectly innocent child's game
2) I never saw that chocolate sauce before in my life
And the number one excuse/explanation the net.partygoers had when they were arrested By The Ever Alert PCPD:
1) We wanted to be arrested so we could be booked by that Luscious Latin, Detective Garcia (suh.woon!)

December 20th 1994
Top Ten Reasons General Hospital Is Such a Wonderful Christmas Gift This Year

10) Just seems that way in comparison to DOOL
9) Those loveable mutts
8) Towels now in fashion
7) No more Evil Frank Smith Organization; replaced by Nice Sonny Corinthos/Damian Smith Organization
6) Miguel/Lily/Offspring storyline mercifully shortlived
5) Ultimately, at last, finally, about time, we already knew that, what took you so long to mention it, Mary
Mae has revealed that Edward is Bradley's father. Heh, heh, heh, now maybe we'll get to see the Ward's eaten
alive at a Quartermaine Christmas gathering.
4) Ned's upcoming tour and his reuniting with the fair Lois
3) Kevin just at the beginning of his storyline. Ooodles of fun to come, with Lucy, Grace and soon..... Ryan!
2) Reginald now eligible to play; possibilities endless
And the number one reason General Hospital is such a wonderful Christmas gift this year:
1) Easy to wrap

"That big one is from me." -- Kevin Collins

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