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January 1995 - April 1995

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January 1995
Top Ten Methods of The New Sonny/Damian Nice Mob
10) No swearing
9) Annual tupperware party/picnic
8) Compulsory attendance at ice capades
7) Not allowed to spit on the sidewalks anymore
6) Employing ex-prostitutes as back up singers at L&B
5) Instead of horses' heads they leave little mints on your pillow
4) They wipe their feet before they go in to bust up a joint
3) Refer to Hit Men as Spirit Guides
2) Never refer to Katy or Brenda as "dames" in their presence
And the number one method of the new Sonny/Damian Nice Mob:
1) Color coordination

"I can run my father's organization, but do it my own way."-- Damian Smith

January 1995

Top Ten Things That Have Been Bothering Garcia Lately
10) Sean trying to conserve energy; won't let him turn bright spotlight on suspects during interrogations
9) District Attorney Schulz keeps coming down to the station, wanting to show people his briefs
8) Sean informs him that he has to do security at the next Miguel Morez concert
7) Terribly jealous of Sonny; secretly desires Brenda
6) Every morning, same thing; help Sean find keys to undo handcuffs
5) Two words: caffeine withdrawal
4) Tiffany keeps asking him to investigate her private dressing room
3) Can't find Officer Johnson anywhere; too embarrassed to file missing persons report
2) Sean insists that questioning actual suspects is a waste of time; also not fond of gathering clues. Makes job
really tough
And the number one thing that's been bothering Garcia lately:
1) The hair cut from HELL

"I don't want to offend you by using the wrong last name."
-- Detective Alex Garcia

January 1st 1995
Top Ten Things That Have Been Bothering Ryan Lately
10) Prison auto shop class cancelled; have to take crochet lessons
9) Trouble having medical license reinstated (those pesky AMA rules)
8) Kevin didn't send a Christmas card *sniff*
7) If Steve didn't take his Mother's picture, who did?
6) Larry King won't take his phone calls
5) Prisoner in next cell with Miguel Morez CD
4) Nobody believes his confession to the Nicole Brown Simpson murder (except Mac)
3) Felicia still seems a bit distant
2) What the hell has the legal system done with all his stuff (VCR, tapes, cool stereo system, photographic
equipment, gardening tools, etc.)
And the number one thing that has been bothering Ryan lately:
1) Not even being considered for the vacant office of Surgeon General


"I am so sick of hearing the sound of my own voice." -- Ryan Chamberlain

January 2nd 1995
Top Ten Reasons Ryan Might Not Have a Good Time When He Comes Back To Port Charles
10) Ruby still flinging pastries at less favored customers
9) Bad time of year for planting flowers
8) Audrey's been lifting weights
7) Sean hasn't beat a confession out of anyone in months (Officer Johnson doesn't count)
6) Mac might think he's Kevin and want to bond
5) Two words: Miguel Morez
4) Felicia didn't bother to tell him she was going to Texas
3) Steve Hardy not likely to give him his old job back
2) Kevin can't take a joke
And the number one reason Ryan might not have a good time when he comes back to Port Charles:
1) Forced to take Bobbie hostage

"Twit!" -- Lucy Coe

January 3rd 1995
Top Ten Reason Ryan Might Have a Good Time When He Comes Back To Port Charles:
10) Sean already working two cases; two beyond his limit, no time to work in Ryan
9) No shortage of blonde barbie doll types in PC
8) New Lego sculpture in Port Charles Art Museum
7) Lucy might mistake him for Kevin
6) Just in time for the opening of Luke's Blues club
5) Acme Explosives hasn't cut off his credit line yet
4) Felicia still single (obviously still pining for Ryan)
3) Brother Kevin has moved into cool new lighthouse; plenty of room for an unexpected guest
2) Seat open at the next Outback poker game
And the number one reason Ryan might have a good time when he comes to Port Charles
1) Forced to take Brenda hostage

"This is a farce! I didn't do anything!" -- Ryan Chamberlain

January 25th 1995 (Posted February)
Top Ten Days Crossovers on General Hospital

Real Life..............General Hospital..............Days of Our Lives
10) Genie Francis.......Laura Spencer.......... Diana Colville
9) Wally Kurth..........Ned Ashton...............Justin Kiriakis
8) Jane Elliot............Tracy Quartermaine...Angelica Devereaux
9) Judith Chapman...Ginny Webber............Angelica Devereaux
8) Mary Beth Evans.Katherine Bell.............Kayla Brady Johnson
7) Shelly Curtis....... Producer/Director.......Producer
6) Lynn Herring...... Lucy Coe....................Lisanne
5) Thaao Phenglis.....Victor Cassidine.........Count Antony DiMera
4) Marty Davich......Original Music............Marty - Piano player
3) Felecia Bell..........Simone Hardy.............D.A. Lady/Abe's S.O.?
2) David Wallace.....Tom Hardy.................Todd Chandler
And the number one DOOL/GH Crossover
1) Matt Ashford........Future Tom Hardy.......Jack Devereaux


January 25th 1995 (Posted February)
Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Sean Donely

10) That superior smirk
9) The coffee stained decanters and empty sugar packets
8) The hilarious practical jokes he pulls on Officer Johnson
7) The way he would question interesting suspects who had nothing to do with the crimes
6) Fascinating childhood stories about dolls
5) His willingness to cut Robin some slack
4) The cute way he calls Felicia, 'Princess'
3) His 'no blood, no foul' method of police work
2) How he pardons people he sleeps with
And the number one thing we'll miss about Sean Donely:
1) Reginald was safe with Donely on the case

"I always get my man," Groucho Marx -- Horsefeathers

January 25th 1995 (Posted February)
Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Tiffany
10) Inaccurate reporting
9) Reminiscences about her old porno flicks
8) She kind of reminds us of the good old Ice Princess days
7) Shoulder pads
6) The way she got away with wearing that sickly lime green color
5) Her 'in your face' interview techniques
4) No one does catatonia better
3) Her womanly advice to Robin. ("Men, don't know what's going on, honey.")
2) That charming Tennessee accent
And the number one thing we'll miss about Tiffany:
1) That famous Elsie Mae Crumholtz moonshine

"I held him in my arms and kissed him," Margaret Dumont
"Oh, so it was murder," Groucho Marx -- Animal Crackers

January 25th 1995
Top Ten Things Sonny Worries About
10) Hair gel running out
9) Luke's club; is he serious about the decor?
8) Stone keeps mistaking Mr. Tea machine for garbage disposal
7) Cusak, kidnapped by Aliens?
6) Lois insists Miguel's hair be paid separately
5) Laura's feminine intuition more than a match for Sonny's mendacity
4) A little bit of wealth and influence and relatives start crawling out of the woodwork
3) Mac getting close to the truth; how Sonny long ago sold his soul to the devil, after a bout with bulimia and being kicked out of a seminary, selling his little baby sister, stealing an embryo from the object of his affections, suffering from amnesia, killing a hippie, going blind (don't ask us why) and having one eye completely poked out and replaced with a glass one and being considered as co-host for a local talk show
2) Heard Donely's on his way out; that'll make things tougher
And the number one thing Sonny worries about:
1) Is Brenda mad at him?

"Sonny, Sonny, Sonny, Sonny," -- Kip ~Bosom Buddies~

February 1 1995
Top Ten Most Improved Characters In The Last Year Or So (Since The Advent Of The New Writers)

10) Justus - Bought a sense of humor
9) Tony - Went from being invisible to being abjectly miserable
8) Mary Mae - Stopped telling those stories to Laura. Got real quiet
7) Edward - Went from annoying blusterer to sympathetic human being... sorta
6) Lucy - Was pregnant and shrill and made silly bets: became cute, cuddly and received a gift wrapped conscience from Kevin
5) Reginald - Was background scenery. Became the unlikeliest potential murderer in PC history
4) Kevin - Was a pompous overeducated europhile (with an Oregon accent). Loosened up, thanks to the irrepressible Miss Lucy
3) Katy Bell - Was a boring, sappy, unconvincing twit. MBE finally got the idea that this is supposed to be fun, and Katy is now an over-the-top bitch, whom we want to see get a complicated comeuppance, rather than simply get hit by a truck
2) Sonny - Was a one dimensional sleaze, now a multi-faceted studmuffin (with problems and "connections")
And the most improved character in the last year or so:
1) Mac - What intelligent relative died and left him a brain? He went from Neanderthal, to sensitive/ perceptive guy.
(And looks drop dead gorgeous in certain shades of green). Too bad he's still brain dead when it comes to Robin

"At last; something we both agree on." -- Mac Scorpio

February 1995
Top Ten Reasons We Like Connie
10) Pink is one of our favorite colors
9) She has a library card
8) She's probably 'visualizing' some of the same things we are
7) We're middle children in a large family, too
6) She's really good at origami
5) She keeps her word; filed that positive report right away
4) She's not very blonde, not very blonde at all
3) She's beginning to believe Ryan is innocent (Like we do!)
2) Crocheting a condom for Ryan (popcorn stitch)
And the number one reason we like Connie:
1) She likes Ryan

"It sounds like a magical place. So...so french," -- Connie

February 1995
Top Ten Rejected Envelope Slogans For Jon Lindstrom

10) Best thing since sliced bread
9) His eyes are like cupcakes floating in a sea of sour cream
8) Foremost African explorer (Once shot an elephant in his pajamas)
7) Has so much fan mail, people are tripping over it
6) Brother personally acquainted with Swedish Women's Ski Team
5) Can say things like "sybaritic" with a straight face
4) Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'
3) Brilliant in film "Listen To Me"
2) Looks fabulous in blue
And the number one rejected envelope slogan for Jon Lindstrom:
1) Double your pleasure, double your fun

"Jon Lindstrom is #1." Michelle and Lori JLFC Presidents

March 7th 1995
Top Ten Nasty Schemes Ryan Rejected For His Return To Port Charles
10) Freezing the entire city
9) Becoming an Amway salesman
8) Pretending to be Frisco (Rejected that because it's much easier to pretend to be Kevin)
7) Luring Felicia and Mac onto a boat and then sinking it with a really fabulous special effect explosion
6) Making crank calls to the hospital switchboard
5) Running for mayor. (Naaah, might actually get elected. But maybe that Police Commissioner job....)
4) Stealing Felicia's Aztec treasure
3) Kidnapping Annabelle's puppy
2) Filling the catacombs with lime Jello
And the number one nasty scheme Ryan rejected for his return to Port Charles:
1) Cloning Miguel

"I'm still having trouble with closure." -- Ryan Chamberlain

March 10th 1995
Top Ten Things Sigmund The Duck Worries About
10) Next Thanksgiving
9) The prospect of migration
8) Lime build-up in the bathtub
7) Foster and Annabelle still getting more screen time
6) Mommy getting upset when he eats worms out of the garbage disposal
5) Orange sauce
4) Not likely to get a love interest
3) Mickey always dissing Donald
2) Uncle Ryan
And the number one thing Sigmund the Duck worries about:
1) World Peace

"Quaaack!" -- Sigmund

March 12th 1995
Top Ten Reasons Miguel Cut His Hair

10) New FDA Rules
9) Needed peripheral vision; kept falling off the stage
8) He didn't: that's just a wig
7) Well, it worked so well for Garcia
6) Voice issuing from door knob orders him to divest himself of his tresses
5) Horrible accident with Garbage disposal
4) Girls' day out with Brenda and Lois
3) Lily cut it off in hopes it might improve his disposition
2) Thinking of running for Police Commissioner
And the number one reason Miguel cut his hair
1) Whiplash

"Miguel, are you saying....?" Brenda/Lois/Lily/etc....

March 13th 1995
Top Ten Ways Damian and Katherine Can Occupy All That Spare Time They've Got
10) Start a new line of kinky designer gifts
9) Practice evil laughter
8) Sex
7) Correspondence Courses in Oral Hygiene
6) O.J. gavel to gavel
5) Origami
4) More sex
3) Make elaborate plan to exact revenge on the Quartermaines, Spencers and Port Charles in general, involving caviar, handcuffs, a rice picker, the EPA, Hilary Clinton, and a shrubbery. Forget plan on the way to the Outback. Curses foiled again!
2) Sign on to a computer net
And the number one way Damian and Katherine can occupy all that spare time they've got:
1) Sex and a variety of rich desserts

"If Mac had a bigger bank account, I'd be worried." -- Damian

March 13th 1995
Top Ten Things Audrey Forgets
10) Where she left Steve's dentures
9) The punchline to the joke about the duck and the psychiatrist
8) How to spell "mnemonic"
7) Why she hired Bobbie
6) Which floor is geriatrics?
5) What exactly her job is
4) Why she married Steve
3) Ryan knows where she lives
2) How many Quartermaine's are there?
And the number one thing Audrey forgets:
1) Who the hell is Tom's father?

"It's an epidemic." -- Ryan Chamberlain M.D.

We do this under duress, as you all know how much we *adore* Miguel, but we were unable to resist the challenge.

March 16th 1995

Top Ten Ways To Kill Off Miguel
10) Head explodes after being asked to memorize more than two lines of dialogue
9) Lice
8) Lily develops a Lorena Bobbit complex
7) Trampled by adoring fans (Both of 'em)
6) Tries one of his own drinks
5) Tries one of Felicia's
4) Tells Mac that he's making a mistake with the liquor order
3) Ryan meets him and sees an opportunity to once again serve mankind
2) Bobbie fired from General Hospital. Goes on psycho killing spree. Stabs Miguel in Kelly's Diner. Lily blasts her with a twelve-guage. Port Charles rejoices!
And the number one way to kill off Miguel:
1) Singing in the shower; drowns

"You don't listen to me." -- Miguel

The St. Patrick's Day Series #1

March 17th 1995

Top Ten Reasons Lucy is Lucky
10) The Muffin Diet; works for her
9) Has top of the line color consultant
8) Because she "has legs that go up to her neck"
7) Tony didn't kill her
6) A positive attitude and an instinct to go for the throat
5) Alan didn't kill her
4) Damian almost totally ineffective at this revenge thing
3) Has a duck (The lucky ducky)
2) Katherine; coma seems to have left her with even more brain damage
And number one reason Lucy is lucky:
1) Kevin willing to explore the possibilities of Razzberry Jam

"She's smiling. Why is she smiling?!" -- Katherine

March 17th 1995

Top Ten Reasons Reginald is Lucky
10) Doesn't work for Mac
9) Guns removed from house
8) A.J. almost past the practical joke stage
7) On hourly wage not salary
6) Luke hardly ever visits anymore
5) Garcia really loathes Katherine
4) Not expected to sing and dance... yet
3) Family still belives he's Jennings' nephew
2) Cook still taking her medication
And the number one reason Reginald is lucky:
1) Can always get a hold of more digoxin and quinobarbitol

"Name your poison." -- Edward

March 18th 1995

Top Ten Reasons Garcia is lucky
10) Hair grew out
9) Still winter in PC... and he looks great in overcoats and scarves
8) Unlike another character of latin descent, he can read a line
7) Voted Port Charles Bachelor of the Month
6) Officer Johnson worships him
5) Ryan doesn't even know who he is
4) Frisco not due back for a while
3) Doctor's still looking for Sean's brain
2) Smoldering good looks are in this year
And the number one reason Garcia is lucky:
1) Damian/Sonny Nice Mob means bigger and better bribes

"I'll get right on it." -- Garcia

March 22nd 1995
Top Ten Reasons The Sonny/Damian Nice Mob Just Isn't Working Out

10) Brenda and Kath not very good gangster molls
9) 'Flowers & Bunnies' logo too ornate
8) Mob Lieutenants find the no drugs/no prostitiues/no porn rules very difficult to follow
7) Harry keeps sneaking off to go golfing
6) Too many 'gangsta chicks' volunteering to be Miguel's 'Spirit Guide'. Sonny finds their persausions tempting
him away from Brenda
5) The word 'subtle' not in most thugs vocabulary
4) Joe Scully just seems more mob-like to the the troops
3) Katy Bell eating all the profits
2) The "Whose childhood was worst" contests getting too fiercely competitive
And the number one reason the Sonny/Damian Nice Mob isn't working out:
1) Deception shipments not coming through. Nice Mob hair care products in Limbo


"You, sir, are an idiot." -- Sonny Corinthos

April 1995
Top Ten Highlights of the Port Charles Hit, General Hospital: The Musical

10) Miguel run over by bus on the way to the premiere
9) Lucky and Edward do their famous duet "How Much is that Doggie in the Window [arf, arf]"
8) Eddie Maine and The Idle Rich sing an entire song (stark naked, twice during matinees)
7) Lucy tells a bedtime story
6) Audrey and the GH Nurses form a chorus line to back up Bobbie doing a fan dance
5) B.J. returns for a heart-rending rendition of "I Left My Heart in Port Charles"
4) Luke is spell binding as the Village Idiot
3) Sonny sings "I Enjoy Being A Girl"
2) Mac gives unique interpretation of the classic song "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay"
And the number one highlight of the Port Charles Hit, General Hospital: The Musical
1) Port Charles wild about Sigmund's singing pipes and dancing stems!


"Nice duck." -- Kevin Collins

April 1995
Top Ten Things Bobbie and Alan Talk About
10) O.J.; What sport did he play?
9) Monica; this cancer stuff is so morbid
8) What a shame Models Inc. was cancelled
7) Tony still has that control problem; thinks he can tell her who she should sleep with
6) Alan gently suggests to Bobbie that Ruby's latest "Special" may be responsible for rash of ptomaine
poisoning cases at GH
5) Bobbie laments the fact that men aren't throwing themselves at her feet. Alan misunderstands "throwing up on her feet?"
4) Alan trying to claim Reginald as a dependent
3) Fidelity: pros and cons
2) Bobbie wondering if she should throw her hat in the ring for the Republican nomination
And the number one thing Bobbie and Alan talk about
1) Their top ten favorite ways to try and kill people

"Attempted murder!" Alan Quartermaine

April 1995
Alan and Bobbie's Top Ten Favorite Ways To Try And Kill People
10) Dropping a roof on them
9) Whining at 800 decibles
8) Edward's Luger
7) Bran
6) Lead them into the catacombs and turn off the lights
5) Ask Reginald if he's busy
4) Slide show of Lucas' fourth birthday
3) Surgery
2) Take 'em to Kelly's
And Alan and Bobbie's favorite way to try and kill people:
1) Bore them to death with their Top Ten favorite anecdotes

"I had a few drinks with Bobbie." -- Alan Quartermaine

April 1995
Alan and Bobbie's Top Ten Favorite Anecdotes
10) The time Monica threw him out of the house and he had to go live at that hell hole they call Kelly's
9) That little joke she played on Scott when she told him she was pregnant with his child
8) Her lovely wedding to Tony; it's only the vows she forgets
7) The time Alan pretended to be dead and lost ELQ
6) The time Bobbie pretended to be blind in order to lure that incredibly sexy Aussie into her bed
5) His first wedding to Monica... and his second wedding to Monica... and his third wedding to Monica
4) The first time Lucy slept with her husband... and the second time Lucy slept with her husband... and the third
time Lucy slept with her husband
3) The time his mistress Susan was murdered by his mother's ex-husband
2) The time her abusive husband was murdered by her sister -in-law's stepfather's second wife
And Alan and Bobbie's number one favorite Anecdote:
1) Malpractice Musings

You need a friend too, Alan." -- Bobbie

April 28th 1995
Top Ten Things That Might Make Simone and Justus More Interesting

10) A conflict, a problem, something resembling a story
9) ABC News Special Reports
8) A drinking game. Every time they're worried about somebody else's reaction to their romance, take a drink.
Every time they say they're not worried about what people think, take a drink. (This game also works with
Keesha and Jason)
7) Justus inherits the cheating ways of his father and grandfather
6) Revelation of Simone's involvement with a voodoo cult
5) Silly string
4) Turn down the volume and make up your own dialogue
3) Tom comes home determined to win Simone back
2) He can pretend he's on the Cosby show and she can pretend she's on Deep Space Nine
And the number one thing that might make Simone and Justus more interesting:
1) S & M

"I love it when you say things like that." -- Justus Ward

April 28th 1995
Luke's Top Ten Rejected Plans For The Scully Sting
10) Luke tells Scully that they're making a movie for "Funniest Home Videos" and he wants Scully to pretend to rob a bank. They call Garcia and he's on hand to make the arrest
9) Let Bobbie have her way with Scully
8) Get Mike to taunt Scully by saying Joe's mother wore combat boots, hopefully resulting in assault with intent
to kill. Garcia is on hand to make the arrest
7) Have Brenda pester him to reveal his true feelings
6) Get the city council to make gambling illegal again and invite Joe to the backroom for a blackjack game. They
call Garcia and he's on hand to make the arrest
5) Tell Officer Johnson Joe bit someone
4) Slip a mickey into Joe's drink. Once unconsious, strip him naked, take him to the apartment above Kelly's, put
him in bed next to a sleeping Miguel and take many photos. Threaten to show them to Garcia and PC Press
3) Mike and Luke dress up as circus clowns with Norwegian accents and lure Scully into a warehouse full of
illegally imported cuban cigars. Janet Reno is on hand to storm the pemises (with Garcia's assistance, of course)
2) Hadn't quite worked all the details out, but this plan did include Sonny's uncanny imitation of Marlene
Deitrich, a thermonuclear warhead and potatoes
And Luke's number one rejected plan for the Scully Sting
1) Lucy could make yet another extension of the bet, laying a wager that Damian can't get Joe to sleep with him


"Why, yes! It's the bet with Damian! And the extension of the bet with Damian." -- Kevin Collins

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