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May 1995 - August 1995


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In the interests of fairness, we present the following derogatory nicknames for the characters more popular in the RATSA GH subjects.

May 1995
Top Ten Derogatory Nicknames For Popular GH Characters
10) Ned = Weasel-Boy
9) Lois = Lemming-Girl
8) Brenda = Little Miss In Touch With My Feelings
7) Sonny = Mr. Urban Angst
6) Tony = Brain-Boy
5) Mac = Sheep-Boy
4) Felicia = The Aztec Airhead
3) Frisco = Mr. Counter Intelligence
2) Lucy = Miss I believe everything lizard-boy tells me
And the number one derogatory nicknames for a popular GH character
1) Kevin = Psychobabble-Boy

"I can't discuss that with you." -- Kevin Collins

Lest someone think our list of derogatory nicknames is a sign of our negative outlook, here's some positive things we have to say about characters that sometimes get trashed.

May 1995
Top Ten Nice Things We Have To Say About GH's Less Popular Characters
10) Bobbie - Hair holds that particular color really well. Should be nice 'n' easy spokesperson
9) Justus Ward - Has some fine attributes...and he can act too.
8) A.J. - Has a wonderful grasp of sarcasm
7) Katherine - She's not Kayla
6) Mary Mae - She's stopped telling those stories, and developed a great sense of humor. (WSB - Wild, Sexy, Black Man, indeed, ROTFL)
5) Amy - Very nice to her male patients
4) Simone - Very... inoffensive
3) Damian - Has a really excellent... stick (Walking stick, that's what we meant, yeah.)
2) Lily - Admire any character that has to go a normal job everyday, and whose car isn't always working. Refreshing change from folks who fly to Paris at the drop of a hat
And the number one nice thing we have to say about GH's least popular character:
1) Miguel - He's prime time material. Some network producer ought to snap him up.... now!

"No, Lily, we're not who we thought we were." -- Miguel

May 1995
Top Ten Reasons Harry (The Omniscient Harry, praise be to Harry) Makes a Great Friend
10) He doesn't completely trust Luke
9) He never says I told you so
8) He gives good advice on how to run a club
7) He doesn't try to steal other guys girlfriends
6) He's willing to do all the real work
5) He never gets too sappy
4) He knows all the waterfront buildings by their secret codes
3) He doesn't expect his friends to pick up the tab for lunch
2) Not stupid enough to place himself in danger by participating in majorly dumb plans
And the number one reason Harry (The Omniscient Harry, praise be to Harry) makes a great friend:
1) The best damn "Spirit Guide" the Nice Mob has

"I'll take care of it." -- Harry (The Omniscient Harry, praise be to Harry.)

May 1995
Top Ten Reasons Laura Threw Luke Out of the House
10) Luke and his friends don't know how to "play nice"
9) She finally figured out that it isn't just a bad hair day, his do is permanent
8) He's a bad influence; caught him teaching Lucky how to overact
7) Can't afford to feed him and Foster. One of 'em had to go
6) He forgot to bring a gift on the Anniversary of the First Time Someone Tried To Kill The Two Of Them
5) Couldn't deal with him and Lucky's new hair-cut at the same time
4) She suspects that it's not really Luke. He and Bill Eckert were switched and she's been living with a neurotic stranger ever since
3) She secretly wants to be free to pursue the ever-cheerful, Dr. Tony Jones
2) Afraid he overheard the lullaby and might make her sing at his club
And the number one reason Laura threw luke out of the house:
1) Spring Cleaning

"She asked me to leave." -- Luke

May 1995
Top Ten Reasons Damian Shouldn't Consult a Psychic
10) $3.98 a minute really adds up
9) She could tell him that he and Bobbie really are soulmates
8) May not be able to take the shock when he finds out Scott Baldwin is doing commercials for the phony psychic
7) Because Lucy already has her own psychic on Deception pay roll
6) Might awaken his own psychic abilities and next time Katy's in a coma he'll be able to hear her
5) With a name like Damian, the spirits are not going to be very sympathetic
4) Dad just looking for a Medium
3) Psychic could reveal his fate to him: Dumped by Katy for a bemused Mac; rejected by playmate, Lucy; drop kicked
by Kevin; sneered at by Sonny; threatened pointlessly by Luke. Finally he loses Daddy's millions in a high stakes game of "chutes and ladders" and ends up playing an oboe in the streets as passerby's drop coins in his beret. And then things really get bad.... he's signed by L&B
2) Might discover psychic bond between him and Sigmund too strong to break
And the number one reason Damian shouldn't consult a psychic:
1) Common sense

"I can count to four." -- Damian Smith

June 4th 1995
Top Ten Metaphors For Life in Port Charles
10) Luke's leaky canoe - You always bail with the one you love
9) Lois' Cyclone - Life is a rollercoaster and Ned can make you hurl
8) Katy's grocery store - Life is like a bowl of cherries, and strawberries, and chocolates, and spam, and anything else you can safely slip into your purse and get out of the store with
7) Bobbie's little boat tied to the dock - Make the one you love seasick
6) Brenda's shopping spree - Once you get it home you don't like it nearly as much
5) Mac's anchor - When you're keeping someone from floating away, you get stuck in the mud
4) Kevin's paintings - The weirder life is, the better (preferences for dullness notwithstanding)
3) Mary Mae's storytime - Life is like one of those long stories where you go on and on and include minute details, like what color the wallpaper was or maybe the tune you were humming when you planted the azelias and by the time you've gotten through with it you've forgotten completely what the point was
2) Tony's brand-name cereal box - Expect to pay a high price and receive very little substance or nutrition
And the number one metaphor for life in Port Charles:
1) Miguel's contract - Life is just something you have to try and put up with for a few years

"I'll be leaving in three months, no six months...how many months are there in year again?" -- Miguel Morez (Okay, not really:-)

June 2nd 1995
Top Ten People Who Might Have Gotten The Police Commissioner Job
10) Ryan Chamberlain - Snuck back from Canada and faked the references
9) Paul Hornsby - All that experience looking for Tracy
8) Mary Mae Ward - Had some spare time on the weekends and now an expert net.surfer
7) Marco Dane - Former criminal; eminently qualified
6) Jenny Eckert Ashton Hornsby - All that experience fighting off Senators
5) Tracy Quartermaine Ashton Hornsby - All that experience hiding from Paul
4) Scotty Baldwin - Look out Luke, some big time ordinances are coming down
3) Robert and Anna Scorpio - The dynamic duo has secretly returned to the city and are having quite the giggle
at Mac's parenting efforts
2) Cesar Faison - Don't worry, be happy!
And the number one person who might have gotten the Police Commissioner job:
1) Officer Johnson - Our Hero!

"Are you laughing at me?" -- Officer Johnson

June 1995
Top Ten Reasons Tom Hardy is Not Going to Have an Easy Time In Port Charles
10) Dad Steve just gave away his job to Kevin. (The day he gets home - how's that for timing)
9) Wife Simone just gave away Tom's other position to Justus. (Timing is everything, Tommy. Work on it)
8) Ex-one-night-stand Lucy is going to be too busy to even give him a second glance
7) Tommy Jr. past the ballgame stage; wants to go to rap concerts
6) Bobbie just itching to rent out that extra apartment at the Brownstone
5) Felicia may confuse him with Frisco, sleep with him and then toss him out on his ear
4) Justus may not look like a Quartermaine, but he's liable to start acting like one if Tom tries to win Simone back. Watch out for falling roofs Tommy
3) Audrey starting to have a problem remembering who this seldom-seen stanger is
2) Will find that his role as good-white-boy-defying-convention-to-marry-the-black-woman-he-loves, has been usurped by Jason
And the number one reason Tom Hardy is not going to have an easy time in Port Charles:
1) Critical shortage of available females in Port Chuckles

"I see you didn't waste anytime." -- Tom Hardy re: Simone
(Who, when it comes to economical use of time is an amateur compared to him.)

June 8th 1995
Top Ten Things That Surprise Miguel
10) Newt Gingrich not a new name for Outback drink
9) No holiday honoring The Three Stooges
8) They don't really want him to sing at the Nurses' Ball
7) PCU actually expects him to show up for class on time and take final exams
6) The Sun, it has risen in the east...again!
5) Not everyone understands his English
4) No moose in Chocolate Mousse
3) Tito Jackson was never a member of Menudo
2) Puerto Rico... an island
And the number one thing that surprises Miguel
1) Cows

"The cows are not what they seem." -- Launchpad, "Darkwing Duck" ~Twin Beaks~

June 12th 1995
Top Ten Wizard of Oz Parallels in Port Charles
10) Munchkin Land - The Bradley Ward House
9) Glinda, The Good Witch - Mary Mae
8) The Head Flying Monkey - Miguel
7) The Ruby Slippers - Ruby's slippers
6) The Witch's Broomstick - Damian's cane
5) The Horse of a Different Color - Lucy at the Nurses' Ball
4) Field of Poppies - Toxic Incinerator in the Cow Pasture
3) Wicked Witch of the West - Oh, just take your pick
2) The woods - The woods (Lions, and tigers and BEARS, oh my!)
And the number one Wizard of Oz parallel in Port Charles:
1) The Wizard - Wendy Riche

"Pay no attention to the person behind the screen." -- Claire Labine.

June 14th 1995
Top Ten Ways General Hospital Could Do Better In The Ratings
10) Miguel taken out and shot for the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue
9) Two words: kinky sex
8) Tony develops a stand-up routine
7) Puppy Raoul is possessed by the Devil attacking Mother Nature's Own Garbage Disposal and tearing up the Quartermaine's best divan
6) Love triangle with Kevin, Lucy and... Sigmund
5) Garcia finally busts the notorious Prostitution Ring: Audrey and her nurses. (Yes, imagine Amy in even more make-up)
3) Mysterious cow mutilations near Toxic Incinerator
2) Ryan gets tired of Canada
And the number one way General Hospital could do better in the ratings:
1) Cast Kato Kaelin as brilliant new brain surgeon

"Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking." -- The Scarecrow ~Wizard Of Oz~
June 17th 1995

Top Ten Things That Get Sonny in Trouble with Brenda
10) Not having breakfast ready when she gets up
9) Moving his lips when he reads
8) Going along with Luke's Majorly Dumb Plans
7) Her finding out he's only pretending to like her pet stories
6) Using too much garlic in the pasta
5) Talking in Spanish in his sleep
4) Being in the same country with Lily
3) Talking to Harry (The Omniscient Harry, praise be to Harry) about "Spirit Guide" matters and then not explaining why she can't join this new age discussion
2) Not being able to read her mind
And the number one thing that gets Sonny in trouble with Brenda:
1) Breathing

"Stuff a mattress with me will she?" -- The Scarecrow ~Wizard of OZ~

June 18th 1995
Top Ten Things That Mac Scorpio Does to Relieve the Boredom
10) Puts laxatives in the drinks at the Outback
9) Calls up the PCPD and pretends to be the ghost of Robert Scorpio
8) Trys to think up ways to out wit Robin
7) Buys a twelve pack of Foster's Lager and settles in for an Abbott and Costello film festival
6) Pretends his next door neighbor is a serial killer
5) Puts on deer stalker cap and poses in front of the mirror
4) Calls Kevin to propose... again
3) Thinks of new reasons why he doesn't like Stone
2) Watches reruns of Werewolf
And the number one thing that Mac Scorpio does to relieve the boredom:
1) Sheep mutilations

"That's how we laugh the day away in the merry old land of Oz." -- Emerald City Residents ~Wizard of OZ~

June 19th 1995
Madame Maia's Top Ten Amazing Predictions For Port Charles
10) Katherine will eat out a lot.... and it won't be pretty
9) Audrey will lock her keys in the car
8) PCU Football team will fail to make it to the Rose Bowl... again
7) Tom has a very black aura, he is going to... insult someone
6) Miguel will sing the whoooolllle song at the Nurses' Ball
5) Sonny, a swirling red aura, yes, he's ready to hurt someone, I'm not getting a name here, but this person mumbles terribly. Yes, I see great bodily harm
4) Bobbie will need a slappin'
3) PCPD will solve a hundred percent more crimes this year: One.
2) ELQ: profits up, body count down
And Madame Maia's number one amazing prediction for Port Charles:
1) A certain psychic better leave town... very quickly after her con is done

"We can't do these things without reaching out into the infinite." -- Prof. Marvel ~Wizard of OZ~

June 19th 1995
Top Ten Reasons Bobbie Isn't Chairing The Nurses Ball This Year
10) No longer passionately desires the man financing the Ball
9) Audrey forgot Bobbie's phone number and never contacted her about it
8) Bobbie Slappin' Drill Team catering the affair
7) Couldn't afford to bail Tony out of jail again
6) Wicked Witch role already taken
5) Lucy locked her in a closet when it came time for choosing the chairs
4) Couldn't relate to the concept of Talent
3) Too busy feeling sorry for herself and making catty remarks
2) Psychic advised her not to
And the number one reason Bobbie isn't chairing the Nurses' Ball this year:
1) Still dealing with silicone induced hallucinations

"Bang on my chest if you think I'm perfect." -- The Tin Woodman ~Wizard of OZ~

June 21st 1995
Top Ten Reasons A.J. Has Trouble Getting A Date
10) Girls get nervous when he whips out the pre-nuptial agreement before the date
9) Compared to the Quartermaine's the Borgias were amateurs
8) Insists on introducing all potential dates to Cook
7) No fun if you can't steal them from your relatives
6) Garlic-breath
5) Girls not impressed by the "I'm-a-really-rich-jerk" approach any more
4) His scintillating Dinner Conversation
3) Still secretly yearning for Jagger
2) Sends Reginald to escort his dates in, and never sees them again
And the number one reason A.J. has trouble getting a date:
1) Using Alan as a role-model

"Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be?" -- The Apple Tree ~Wizard of OZ~

June 1995
Top Ten Lies Sonny Tells Brenda
10) I like Miguel's singing, really, I do
9) There's nothing to worry about
8) Lily is a fascinating conversationalist
7) That machine gun in the closet is for squirrel huntin'
6) I'd love to play Babaloo! at the next Nurses' Ball
5) I can't wait to see the movie... what was it again? ....Bridges Of Madison County. My favorite
4) Sure, Honey, I'd love some more of your pancakes
3) No, it doesn't bother me when you dance with Miguel like that. Why should it bother me?
2) Cows are my favorite farm animal
And the number one lie Sonny tells Brenda:
1) I wouldn't lie to you

"Don't you trust me?" -- Sonny

June 29th 1995
Top Ten Things Lynelle Probably Won't Be Getting on Her Birthday
10) Bungee-jumping gift certificate
9) Ricky Martin CD
8) A third bread machine
7) Letter opener/dagger
6) Free psychotherapy sessions with Dr. Kevin
5) The Alamo: 13 Days To Glory (but we promise to bring it to Los Angeles)
4) Briefcase with hidden tape recorder
3) "Interpretation of Dreams" autographed by Freud
2) A Duck
And the number one thing Lynelle probably won't be getting on her birthday:
1) Older

"You need to grow up." -- Lily Rivera

Top Ten Reasons Ned Doesn't Like Sonny
10) Sonny's misuse of haircare products
9) Brenda was covering up for Ned long before she covered up for Sonny
8) Didn't come to his Bachelor Party... any of 'em
7) Ned can't relate to deprived childhood
6) Sonny's a Mets fan
5) Ned and Mac just bored. Next they intend to investigate the mysterious cow mutilations near the incinerator
4) Ned wishes he looked as good as Sonny does in blue
3) Ned doesn't know the Brooklyn song
2) Ned's Territorial Imperative
And the number one reason Ned doesn't like Sonny:
1) Fundamental Philosophical Difference — Ned likes "new Darrin" and Sonny likes "old Darrin"

"I've never placed Lois' life in danger." -- Ned

July 8th 1995
Top Ten Things That Might Surprise Emily About Her New Family
10) Jason, "the good son", product of his father's illicit affair with Susan Moore.... fifteen years ago
9) Lila's growing alcohol dependency
8) Q's now employ a food taster... Reginald looks embarrassed
7) The Christmas train ritual
6) Knows Alan thinks he's a bear; doesn't know that Ned IS a weasal
5) Monica's diary
4) Edward's collection of hotel shower caps
3) A.J. actually the least ruthless member of the family
2) Tracy
And the number one thing that might surprise Emily about her new family
1) Skeletons in the closet... literally

"Is that what happens in this family when you make a mistake?" — Emily Bowen soon-to-be Quartermaine

July 6th 1995
Top Ten New Lines of Work Sonny Could Get Into

10) PC Police Commissioner
9) GH Psychiatric Staff
8) L&B Rap Artist (ala Snoop Doggy Dog)
7) WSB Agent
6) DVX Agent
5) Ice Cream Man
4) ELQ's newest pharmaceutical salesman
3) Star defense witness at the O.J. Trial
2) Makin' license plates
And the number one line of work Sonny could get into:
1) Female impersonator

"He spit!" -- Lois Cerullo

July 5th 1995
Top Ten Things That Should Have Tipped Maria Off That She Wasn't In A Lassie Episode
10) Color, not black and white
9) When she calls Timmy in for supper, Tony comes
8) They won't let her use a rifle now
7) Bobbie bursts in every five minutes to see who Tony's "comforting"
6) Dubious family values
5) Felicia knows the difference between a cheese slicer and a c-clamp
4) Timmy - G.I. Joe, Maxie - Bimba
3) Grandmother of an Aztec Princess
2) Foster's name and address on his tag
And the number one thing that should have tipped Maria off that she wasn't in a Lassie Episode:
1) Georgie.... possessed!

"Hey, girl, are you trying to tell me something?" -- Maria, Felicia's Grandmother

July 10th 1995
Mike's Top Ten Pick Up Lines
10) I've paid my debt to society
9) You remind me of my first wife... hot-blooded, beautiful and always ticked at me
8) I've never made a firm committment to a woman in my life. (This one doesn't work for him either)
7) My son is a cold-hearted gangster... I need a hug
6) I'm available for parties
5) I have a heart condition and a Swiss bank account
4) The gambling's in the back room, but you should take a chance on me
3) I can mix a pina colada like you would not believe
2) Wanna see my war wound
And Mike's number one pick up line:
: 1) You'll regret it. Maybe not today; maybe not tomorrow, but someday and for the rest of your life

"Luke warned me you were a shameless flirt." -- Laura

July 9th 1995
Mac's Top Ten Pick Up Lines
10) You're the prettiest woman... at this bar
9) You know, I've got my green card
8) I've never made a firm committment to a woman in my life (This one doesn't work very well)
7) Hey, for you... the drink is half-price
6) I happen to be a close personal friend of Melissa Manchester
5) I can shear a sheep in under ten seconds
4) I know the one hundred love-making secrets of the aborigines
3) So what are your thoughts on Nietzsche?
2) Wanna see my boomerang
And Mac's number one pick up line:
1) The name is Bond... James Bond

"I told you, this one's on me." -- Mac

July 9th 1995
A.J.'s Top Ten Pick Up Lines
10) I've had two dates in two years... help me out here
9) What a beautiful name you have. It's so lyrical... Mildred
8) I could swear we've met before, but maybe that was in my dreams
7) My father will pay you a million dollars if you don't marry me
6) Sure I've got insensitive jerk written on my forehead, but I've got vulnerable millionaire written on my heart
5) Your boyfriend just dumped you... Cool! How about going out with me?
4) You and I could watch the sunrise in Venice together... just let me make sure cousin Ned will let me have the jet
3) Nobody knows their way around a hotel like I do
2) Wanna see my portfolio
And A.J.'s number one pick up line:
1) Go ahead... make my day

"If it's not illegal I don't see how we can be in trouble."-- A.J.

July 11th 1995
Top Ten Things Edward Worries About
10) Who did Alan kill this week?
9) Ned and Lois contaminating the jacuzzi with cold pasta
8) Raoul won't use anything but the financial section for his paper training
7) Jason trying to get him on the Nordic Track
6) Tracy wanting to move back home with her new husband, Sven the Swedish ski instructor
5) Reginald not happy with his last raise
4) A.J. not very good at covering up his misdeeds
3) Lila up to a pitcher of Bloody Marys a day
2) Cook
And the number one thing Edward worries about
1) Can't remember what the L stands for in ELQ

"I'll run interference for you." -- Ned

July 11th 1995
Lila's Top Ten Party Tips
10) Invitations should be hand delivered
9) Hide the television remote control
8) Make sure to steer Monica away from depressing subjects
7) Don't annoy Cook with last minute changes
6) Don't let Edward play those old blues records of his; he gets all weepy
5) Prevent Jason from giving the Heimlich maneuver to anyone who coughs
4) Stock up on the twiglets in case Lee Baldwin shows
3) Tell A.J. to stick to the subjects of the weather and everybody's health... on second thought just the weather
2) Solve murders quickly so living guests are not inconvenienced
And Lila's number one party tip:
1) Stupid pet tricks

"Reginald, champagne!" -- Lila

July 12th 1995
Top Ten Things That Put Alan In The Doghouse with Monica

10) She asked for apple juice; he brought her orange juice
9) His rapport with children and small furry animals
8) Him taking advantage of Bobbie's... friendship
7) Always asks her if her purse is too heavy but never offers to carry it. (Bad back, you know)
6) He forgets which one of them had affairs with whom when they have heated arguments
5) He insists on ogling Ginger when they watch "Gilligan's Island"
4) That silly story he sometimes tells her about being imbued with psychic abilities by Tibetan monks
3) Every time A.J. does something stupid Alan says "stray Rick genes"
2) His humming those damn "Cinderella" tunes
And the number one thing that puts Alan in the doghouse with Monica:
1) Hesitating before he chooses a name in that passionate moment

"Ten minutes ago I saw you..." Prince Charming ~Cinderella~

July 12th 1995
Top Ten Projects Monica Has Lined Up After The Wellness Group
10) Crochet classes
9) Support group for orphaned children
8) Dobrudjan folk dancing
7) Stimulating conversations with Ned
6) Bonding with Emily on a shopping trip
5) Support group for sex addicts
4) Finding her real parents
3) List Alan's inadequacies
2) Support group for polka lovers
And the number one project Monica has lined up after the Wellness Group:
1) Raise funding for investigation into SORAS (Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome)

"Every year we lose more children to this dreaded disease." Dr. Monica Quartermaine

July 17th 1995
Top Ten Indications That Jason May Not Be A Quartermaine
10) Those ears
9) Just oozes integrity
8) Only been arrested once
7) They're not letting him in on the Reginald thing
6) Good posture
5) Not personally responsible for any killings
4) Still says please and thank you to the servants
3) Hates caviar
2) Hasn't slept around
And the number one indication that Jason may not be a Quartermaine:
1) Traces of alien DNA in his chromosones

"We're all responsible for this mistake." -- Jason Quartermaine???

July 17th 1995
Top Ten Reasons Reginald Needs A Summer Vacation
10) Spring Cleaning in a fifty room Mansion
9) Wants to go to Summer camp and take that special course in Quantum Physics
8) Lila is taking his Bloody Marys for granted
7) Raoul beginning to believe that Reginald is his father
6) Edward's taken to snapping his suspenders
5) Cook unhappy; no one ordered the breakfast special
4) Detective Garcia starting to get suspicious
3) Needs to devote more time to his other life as an international spy
2) Amy's showing an unhealthy interest in him. Might be wise to leave town for a while
And the number one reason Reginald needs a summer vacation:
1) Post worm crawl stress syndrome

"I don't have the constitution for this." -- Reginald

July 17th 1995
Lois' Top Ten Problems At L&B
10) Mary Mae's groupies camping on the front lawn
9) No Spanish interpreter
8) The rest of "The Idle Rich" are restless on weekdays
7) Caught Donevan, the engineer, with illegal substances
6) She keeps finding Jenny/Ned memorabilia tucked in odd corners. ("And what did they do with these spurs!?")
5) Really hard to get insurance with Sonny as a partner
4) She told Ned she needed a new speaker, and he brought home Newt Gingrich
3) Every day, same thing; show Brenda how coffee-maker works
2) Miguel bursts into tears every time someone mentions Lily's name or takes away his microphone
And Lois' number one problem at L&B:
1) Having trouble making head-severing special effect seem realistic in music video

"I've been bursting to tell someone what the party favors are." -- Lois

July 17th 1995
Top Ten Reasons Justus Isn't Happy About Being a Quartermaine
10) All of the angst; none of the money
9) Big headache trying to figure out exactly how he's related to everyone in Port Charles
8) Political opponents keep bringing it up
7) A.J. wants to exchange Christmas gifts
6) Edward suggested they go fishing
5) Now fated to cheat on his woman
4) That geneaology research he paid to have done a few years back now worthless
3) IRS suddenly very interested in his returns
2) Walking in the footsteps of Jimmy Lee Holt
And the number one reason Justus isn't happy about being a Quartermaine
1) The Family Curse

"You really didn't know about this, did you?" -- Tom Hardy

July 17th 1995
Kevin's Top Ten Duties As The New Head Of Psychiatry At GH
10) Leading the monthly sing-a-longs
9) Gently hinting to Tony that he might be a few sandwiches short of a picnic
8) Keeping sharp objects away from Amy
7) Turning ominous music on and off
6) Seeing if city water supply could be responsible for recent epidemic of public stupidity
5) Polishing Steve's paperweight
4) Frightening the patients into paying their bills
3) Planning Audrey's retirement party
2) Checking all of Tom's prescriptions for spelling errors
And Kevin's number one duty as the new head of Psychiatry at GH:
1) Keeping Lucy entertained, off the streets and out of circulation

"How many cups of research have you had?" -- Dr. Kevin Collins

July 18th 1995
Top Ten Things Harry Would Do If He Ran The Mob
10) Get those bribes out on time: Garcia is getting impatient
9) Restart target practice seminar
8) Get a homepage (http://www.pc.edu/~mobsters/harry.html)
7) Sunday picnics
6) Let Sybil carry his machine gun
5) Train back up singers to herald his entrances
4) Carefully search any blondes who come into the office
3) Pay Sonny's psychiatric bills
2) No more suits
And the number one thing Harry would do if he ran the mob:
1) Nice Mob? I don't think so

"Should we handle this like we did Scully's boys?" -- Harry

July 18th 1995
Top Ten Signs That Damian Is... How Shall We Put It...Eccentric
10) Obsessive about hair care products
9) Collects Brady Bunch memorabilia
8) Dating a pirhana
7) Thinks hidden tape recorders are a romantic gift (Sonny would beg to differ)
6) Gives large amounts of money to people who hate him
5) Thinks his father's ghost is giving him stock tips
4) Wears women's underclothes
3) Brings a hair-dryer along on his out-of-body experiences
2) Still thinks the Nice Mob is a good idea
And the number one sign that Damian is... how shall we put it... eccentric:
1) Believes that Roseanne is his sister

"There's a connection between us." -- Damian

July 18th 1995
Top Ten Things Mary Mae Does With Her Computer
10) Lurks on rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc (R.A.T.S.A.)
9) Hacks into the WSB files (Ooooh! Look who's alive!)
8) Tells kids that the computer is watching them
6) Flames know-nothing kids in alt.music.classic.blues
7) Plays Mortal Kombat
5) Uses it to hold up her coffee cup
4) Visits Harry's new home page
3) MUDding
2) Now using it to review grant applications
And the number one thing Mary Mae does with her computer
1) Carries on net.romance with Rakeem

"Teach me how to surf the net." -- Mary Mae

July 18th 1995
Top Ten Reasons Laura Should Take Luke Back
10) Luke's really, really, really sorry (he's not quite sure for what)
9) The outside of the house still needs painting
8) Foster misses being called skillet-head
7) Separation is adversely affecting Luke's bartender advice
6) So Luke won't think of turning to Lucy as a romantic possibility
5) Lucky's reached that surly adolescent stage and needs someone surlier than him around
4) Luke has decided to get his adrenalin rush by watching old Charles Bronson flicks
3) So Bobbie will cease to compare their marriages
2) So he's around to blame when little Lu-Llu wonders how she got her name
And the number one reason Laura should take Luke back:
1) He's her cross to bear. She can't foist him on the rest of the world

"What do you think the truth is?" -- Laura

July 18th 1995
Top Ten Ways Tom Could Win Simone Back
10) Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (Naaaah)
9) Sing at the next charity ball
8) Fake a nervous breakdown
7) Have a nervous breakdown
6) Leave sickening little love notes around the brownstone
5) Remind her Justus is a Quartermaine and therefor has a genetic cheating disorder
4) Convince her that it would be good for Tommy if they had a family outing together
3) The Ned Method: persistence and dimples
2) Tell her he's pregnant
And the number one way Tom could win Simone back:
1) Cry

"Don't you believe me?" -- Tom

July 19th 1995
Top Ten Signs That Katherine's On The Road To Reformation
10) Her overwhelming urge to visit Dom's grave daily
9) Stopped wearing power suits
8) Toning down evil laughter to a malevolent giggle
7) Accidentally dispensing good advice
6) Taking one less olive in her martini
5) Skid marks on Damian's face
4) No longer eating live rodents
3) Can't sink any lower than sabotaging an AIDs Benefit
2) Willing to share her Happy Meals with Mac
And the number one sign that Katherine's on the road to reformation:
1) Likes getting wet

"Oooh, she's not so bad." -- Mac

July 1995
Top Ten Things Foster Thinks About
10) Sex
9) Pork chops
8) Now that Luke's gone all his shoes are fair game
7) I don't need this Soap Opera; I used to have my own show
6) I wonder why Katybell doesn't visit anymore. I really liked her scarves
5) A.J.'s in my key light
4) Bacon! I smell bacon!
3) I miss being called Skillet-head
2) Is Annabelle being honest with him? Raoul doesn't look like he's got much French Mastiff blood in him
And the number one thing Foster thinks about:
1) His near death experience

"Satyr? Isn't that part goat?" -- Jason

July 1995
Top Ten Ways Luke Could Win Laura Back
10) Buy her a racehorse
9) Tell her he only has six months to live
8) A little less hip hop, a little more lambada
7) Start acting like an adult
6) Disown Bobbie
5) New do
4) Weep like a little baby
3) Find a time machine and go back in time to the moment before he first really cheesed off Frank Smith and then
make sure he doesn't
2) Rescue Leslie-Lu from a raging inferno
And the number one way Luke could win Laura back:
1) Chocolate

"Luke came between me and Luke." -- Laura

July 28th 1995
Top Ten Reasons Why Reginald Might have Missed The Quartermaine Afternoon
10) Alan told him the wrong date
9) Checking out Canadian properties in case Garcia ever catches on
8) Not really comfortable as a member of the family yet
7) Took the wrong exit. Lost somewhere in Fresno now
6) Had a hot date with Sally, the downstairs maid
5) Someone had to stay home to look after Emily. But why does she keep asking him if he has any good "snowballs"?
4) Lila asked him to polish every piece of silverware in the mansion
3) Stranded on a desert island
2) Knew about this Brenda/Miguel thing; just too upset to attend
And the number one reason Reginald Might Have Missed The Quartermaine Afternoon:
1) Had to squelch a worm revolt

"I've already drawn the line at killing worms." -- Reginald

July 29th 1995
Top Ten Reasons Brenda's Been Behaving Oddly
10) Found another picture of Karen in Sonny's sock drawer
9) Devastated to find out that Harry was involved in the Mob
8) Driven to near madness by Ned and Lois' constant billing and cooing
7) Indiscrimante consumption of Reginald's baked goods
6) Shower shrapnel lodged in the brain
5) Incessant dancing with Miguel finally drove her over the edge
4) Bad karma from previous lifetime
3) Just found out Julia's written her out of the will
2) The water... definitely the water
And the number one reason Brenda's been behaving oddly:
1) This IS her Evil twin. It's some kind of plot by the Cassidine family, who are now threatening the world with
a heat machine. Sonny will save the world from this awful threat by stealing back the Lava Lady; a black
diamond. Of course he'll rescue the real Brenda from her captors and faux Brenda will sink into quicksand.

"I want this to be our secret." -- Brenda (?)

July 30th 1995
Top Ten Awards For The General Hospital Fan Club Party
10) The Fashionably Late Entrance Award - To Maurice Benard, (but it was quality time, folks)
9) The Speedy Gonzales Award - To Sean Kanan, for making yet another quick exit
8) Most Notable Freudian Slip - To Senait Ashenafi, of all people, for mispronouncing Leigh McCloskey's name
7) The Energizer Bunny Award - To Matt Ashford, who just kept going and going and going.....
6) The Star Magnet Award - To Table Five
5) The Stick-To-Itiveness Award - To Wally and Rena for sticking with The Wally Plan to the end
4) The "GH is my favorite subject" Award - To Wendy Riche. Well, after all, who knows more about it
3) Most In Character Remark - To Ron Hale for "Sonny was late!"
2) The Sexiest Guy Without A Picture In the Program Book - To George Alvarez (Ron was a real close second)
And the number one Award:
1) The Good Intentions Award - To Wally Kurth for The Wally Plan

"Yeah, he's really big on organization." -- Rena

July 1995
Lily's Top Ten Tips For Dumping Your Lover
10) Hire a gangster to back you up
9) Living well is the best revenge
8) Be firm, don't let him give you any crap about being soul-mates
7) Look soulfully out over the docks and explain that somehow it must all be for the best
6) Remember how he dissed you in the past; it makes it easier
5) Just compare him to your nearest mobster friend
4) Take that spine implant seriously
3) Think about... cows
2) Stop watching MTV
And Lily's number one tip for dumping your lover:
1) Have that barf bag handy

"I haven't gotten over Miguel, yet." -- Lily Rivera

August 3rd 1995
Top Ten Things The Idle Rich are Planning on Doing with the Proceeds of Their First CD
10) Hire a lawyer
9) Pay Mac's drink prices at the Outback
8) Masssage parlor
7) Embark on a concert tour
6) Toxic Incinerator (in the middle of town)
5) Buy lots and lots of Pecan pies
4) Buy their own damn record company
3) Make their first movie, "A Harsh Date's Bite"
2) Run the cranky Mob
And the number one thing the Idle Rich are planning on doing with the proceeds:
1) ABC was sold, CBS was sold.... Maybe they can bid on NBC

When the idle poor become the idle rich..." — Fred Astaire ~Finian's Rainbow~

August 1995
Top Ten Reasons That Sly Hasn't Been On
10) Had to take up mowing lawns when Lucky insisted his stock in "Mother Nature's Own Garbage Disposal" had
to be reinvested into the business
9) Joined a local gang and changed his name to Tito
8) Has a crush on Lily and is spending his entire summer studying Spanish
7) Jenny and Paul have joined a religious cult and right now Sly is being brainwashed
6) Sly discovered he was allergic to french mastiffs
5) Down in the catacombs trying to rescue Brenda, Lucy, and other females
4) Following in his father's footsteps he has joined the merchant marines
3) Busy plotting how to reacquire the ELQ stock Jenny sold out from under him
2) He's at WSB Summer camp learning to blow up bridges
And the number one reason that Sly hasn't been on:
1) Fighting off SORAS (Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome)

"You should never assume anything. You taught me that." -- Lucky Spencer

August 1995
Top Ten Additional Bad Things That Could Happen to Stone
10) Stone loses his hearing
9) Alan and Kevin become too wrapped up in their own problems to worry about Stone
8) Sonny sent up the river (or in it)
7) Confined to Hospital bed; forced to watch NBC Soaps by non-discriminating roommate
6) Stone dies of AIDS, but comes back as a vampire
5) Mike reveals that he is also Stone's real father (Cates was yet another alias)
4) Mac gets touchy feely
3) Robin reveals to Stone that she has the "Scorpio Curse" placed on the Scorpio family by an Aborigine shaman
shortly after they emigrated to Australia. The curse dooms anyone they love to terribly melodramatic deaths.
And should she have mentioned this earlier?
2) Sweeps month coming early
And the number one additional bad thing that could happen to Stone:
1) Cure for AIDS discovered just in time to save his life; ten seconds later the world is destroyed by the alien Vogons putting in aninterstellar off-ramp

"And if you're very lucky, I'll read you some of my poetry first."— Vogon Captain
August 5th 1995

Top Ten Things Amy Thinks About

10) Am I a natural blonde?
9) Smothering the patient in 705 with a hermetically sealed pillow
8) Her paramedic boyfriend who left to join the foreign legion
7) Laura's been married twice; how the hell am I going to catch up at this rate
6) Why don't I ever get invited to the swanky parties at the Q's?
5) Was Mike serious about that Menage-a-trois thing with Bobbie?
4) Being stranded on a desert island with Reginald and no Bud Light
3) Her Q rating
2) Convincing Lucy to let her perform in next year's Nurses' Ball
And the number one thing Amy thinks about:
1) Leather

"Who told you that?" -- Amy

August 1995
Our Top Ten GENUINE Psychic Predictions for General Hospital
10) Booming popularity of bottled water and Tom's lemonade
9) Miguel's English ain't gettin' no better
8) No one will be possessed by the spirit of Elvis or Jerry Garcia, or be kidnapped by UFOs. (But watch DOOL for
these exciting storylines).
7) A.J. gets laid this year
6) Bobbie and Tony are not going to reconcile (Yaaaay! And there was much rejoicing)
5) Sonny will need extensive therapy from Kevin AND Tom and possibly heavy drugs
4) November is not going to be Stone's month
3) Lily will take elocution lessons from Harry
2) Bobbie is going to be looking for a new best friend
And the number one GENUINE psychic prediction for Port Charles:
1) Tracy Quartermaine revealed as LOVING murderer

"All the drama in half the time." -- ABC Promo

August 1995
Top Ten Reasons Lee And Gail Keep Their Distance from the Other Port Charles Residents
10) Not quite sure whom they're related too now
9) People in PC seem to have trouble remembering to pay their Lawyer bills and their Psychologist bills
8) Bad enough having to work with these people; socializing is out of the question
7) Would NEVER shop at a discount house
6) Lee a little embarrassed about having so little to do with that Bradley Ward case
5) Folks in PC just don't understand about Zen golf and Zen Skiing
4) Don't want anyone else to know about the supply of uncontaminated water they have in their basement
3) The new flu Mary Mae's kids have is spreading; don't want anything to do with projectile vomiting
2) Got themselves an internet account and have no free time left
And the number one reason Lee and Gail keep their distance from the other Port Charles Residents:
1) Keeping their faces straight just too tough

"I'll send the papers over to Lee." — Justus Ward

August 1995
Top Ten Other Plans Ned & Lois Could Have Come Up with to Get Sonny Out Of L&B
10) Have the entire stable of artists and the L and B in L&B take an extended vacation in Monte Carlo. (Maybe it
wouldn't have worked, but it would have been more fun and less dangerous)
9) Quietly wait until Sonny really needed the money to pay Stone's medical bills and let Sonny suggest the buy-out
8) Convince him to become Amish, and that record companies are against his religion
7) They could "Gaslight" him and convince him that his saintly door-mat mother has come back as a ghost
6) They could steal a shipment of Cocaine and put it in a warehouse where Sonny is keeping *gasp ~ horrors*
illegal gambling receipts and tell the cops it's just a silly ol' coincidence that ELQ trucks delivered the snow. (Naaaah, that MDP's been used)
5) Tell him it's Lois' creative decision that Sonny has to sing back-up on the Music Video (The infamous "Don't
Stop Now")
4) Have Felicia seduce Harry
3) Take Miguel out to the edge of town, tie him to a stake and wait for Sonny to come and kill him (Oh, our mistake; that is what they're doing!)
2) Operation Niceness - A never ending campaign of over-kindness, (flowers, breakfast in bed, cutsie cards, L&B
family outings, fresh-baked cookies, etc...) that reduces Sonny to a shivering jelly of expectant paranoia. He sells out for bargain basement prices... guaranteed
And the number one other plan Lois & Ned could have come up with to get Sonny out of L&B:
1) Threaten to take Mike Corbin on as an artist

"It's the only way to get Sonny out of L&B." Ned (referring to whatever stupid plan he has at the time)
August 1995
Top Ten Reasons We DON'T Want To See Damian Murdered
10) He was only just getting the hang of this villainy thing. His best mischief is still in front of him
9) We want Damian to get a chance to move out of that hotel room. We hear there's a room at Ruby's available
8) It's not a very interesting challenge for Mac to win Katy if his competition is six feet under
7) Lucky has yet to collect on that favor Damian owes him
6) Sincerely wanted to see Rat-boy come up with a doable revenge plot to bring down Bobbie
5) We just don't think that opening a Wal-mart is sufficient motive for homicide
4) Would prefer to see Damian placed in torturous, terrifying situation in which his hair is constantly rumpled (The Catacombs didn't cut it)
3) The very thought of Mac conducting a murder investigation is too painful
2) It's carrying near-death experiences a little too far
And the number one reason we DON'T want to see Damian murdered:
1) Prefer not to see The Art Chick reduced to tears

-- Katherine The Art Chick (re: previous Damian-gets-murdered rumor spates. She may not be here reading this now, but we feel we must keep her spirit alive. Long live punctuation.)


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