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September 1995 - December 1995

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September 1995
Top Ten Things Mac/Eve and Sonny Could Do on a Date
10) Hip Hop
9) Overnight camping trip
8) Bungee Jumping
7) Go to the no-name club
6) They could go flaunt their relationship in front of Miguel and Brenda
5) Karaoke
4) Double date with Luke and Norma
3) Go see "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar"
2) Meaningful discussion about body hair
And the number one thing that Mac/Eve and Sonny could do on a date:
1) Use the same restroom

"I've got to hand it to that Corinthos; he really makes a guy feel like a lady." -- Mac

September 1995
Top Ten Things on Sonny's wish list
10) Wish Harry would stop calling him "Boss" in front of everybody
9) Wish Luke would doing something about his hair
8) Wish Stone would pick up his wet towels off the bathroom floor
7) Wish that British flower Eve would come and sweep him
off his feet and take him away to a tropical island
6) Wish Kevin's therapy rates were more reasonable
5) Wish Ned and Lois would stop asking him for his creative
opinion... he hasn't got any
4) Wish there was a reunion of former Menudo members... in China
3) Wish Mike would get his hand caught in the blender
2) Wish Brenda would get that brain tumor removed
And the number one thing on Sonny's wish list:
1) Wish everyone would just stop asking him how he feels

"When you wish upon a star..." — Jiminy Cricket

September 1995
The Top Ten Rules For Living Above Kelly's
10) You may be drafted at any time to work behind the counter
9) No waterbeds
8) Food fights punishable by death
7) You break it, you bought it
6) No Quartermaines in the upstairs apartments ever again
5) Ruby has first dibs on all recyclables
4) Number of rooms dimensionally transcendental
3) Ruby can make any judgements she likes about your personal life and be as rude as she pleases
2) Quarters had better be the only things bouncing on those beds
And the number one rule for living above Kelly's:
1) Ruby's always right

"When you're living under my roof, you'll follow my rules."-- Ruby

September 1995
Top Ten Things Kevin Learned While Being A Woman
10) High heels invented by Marquis De Sade
9) Crochet (the popcorn stitch)
8) Pantyhose exorbitantly priced
7) More than he wanted to know about the great Goddess Sybilla
6) Felicia has a cruel streak
5) How to apply mascara
4) He does not want to date Luke!
3) Mac can accessorize with best of them
2) Never ever get Lucy really really mad at you
And the number one thing that Kevin learned while being a woman:
1) He has twice as much chance of getting a date

"You owe Mac an apology. He almost had to go out with Sonny!" -- Kevin

September 1995
Top Ten Signs You've Been Spending Too Much Time On RATSA

10) You know what all the acronyms stand for
9) You compose articles and e-mail on company time
8) You develop a mysterious nervous twitch when deprived of RATSA for more than forty-eight hours
7) Keep getting All My Children and American Movie Classics mixed up
6) You take personally the comment "Boy, some of these notes are way too long"
5) You think you'd ENJOY being an updater
4) You wonder if people who have the same address extension (like @ix.netcom.com) are related
3) You know everything that's going to happen on your soap a week or more in advance.... and you STILL watch it
2) You wonder why no one from Llanview ever visits Pine Valley
And the number one sign you've been spending too much time on RATSA:
1) No longer able to distinguish your identity from your F-C's.
(FAC, FGC, FLC, FOC, whichever).

"I was ROTFL over the SIDAR, (which BTW was interrupted by YKW) and have decided to join both MHA and MHGC. Also LOL at the thought of Lu-Lu suffering from SORAS and dating A.J.."
-- Anonymous Ratsafarian.

If you understood this sentence you may be a RATSA addict. If you answered yes to three or more of the above you ARE a RATSA addict.

October 1995
Top Ten Reasons Jagger Thought Stone Wanted Him To Come To Town
10) Octoberfest
9) Yet another opening for Police Commissioner
8) Gina's been arrested
7) Surprise Party
6) Robin and Stone are getting married
5) Stone needs a car loan
4) Ruby becoming seriously senile, keeps asking for him
3) Brenda has become involved with a non-actin' hair
flippin' fool. Just the sight of him should cure her
2) Annual spelling bee
And the number one reason Jagger thought Stone wanted him to
come to town:
1) Stone needs expert advice on counter-wiping

"I guess it's not your cup of tea." -- Jagger

October 1995
Top Ten Excuses Bobbie & Alan Will Have When Tony and Monica Bust 'Em
10) Rochester seminar reconveneing at CATS matinee
9) Possessed by demons
8) Consciences destroyed by hormones
7) Bobbie lost her map to Rochester
6) Alan thought Bobbie was an Endocrinologist
5) Trying to get away from the contaminated water in PC
4) Alan couldn't take anymore of Monica's abuse; at least not without spiked heels and leather
3) Tony served meatloaf one too many times
2) It's all Lucy's fault
And the number one excuse Bobbie & Alan will have when Tony and Monica bust 'em:
1) What were they SUPPOSED to use for brains?

"Shame on you, Barabara Jean Spencer Jones!" -- Lucy

October 1995
Top Ten Obstacles To Katherine And Mac's Relationship

10) Mac won't be able to say diddlysquat about Robin's relationships now
9) Katherine can't always remember where she left that peanut butter knife
8) Mac running low on olives
7) Felicia seriously thinking about getting into human sacrifice
6) Hard to run a club and satisfy Katherine at the same time
5) She's bound to discover sooner or later that he's not actually Australian
4) Impossible for Mac to deny that there were sparks with Sonny
3) Damian liable to sulk
2) Can't double date with Kevin and Lucy
And the number one obstacle to Katherine and Mac's relationship:
1) Door handles

"Is that fried chicken I smell?" -- Katherine

October 1995
Top Ten Reasons We Haven't Incoporated FGC Reginald Yet
10) Inertia
9) Still seeking just the right image for our coporation
8) We got nervous after the attempted murder of Katy Bell. Didn't wish to implicate others
7) Afraid it would attract Jackal's attention and we'd have to play in Gus' stupid game
6) High risk of insider trading
5) We're selfish and territorial and don't want to share "our Reggie" with anyone
4) Job title "Keeper of the Suspenders" inevitable
3) Feel guilty opening Reg for trading when Officer Rick Johnson still doesn't have an FGC holder
2) Cook didn't say we could
And the number one reason we haven't incorporated FGC Reginald yet:
1) Nobody asked

"Maybe someone is hungry or something." -- Reginald

October 31st 1995
Top Ten Really Scary Things In Port Charles
10) Mac and Katherine enjoying brunch
9) Luke's Hair
8) The Nedling on the move
7) Officer Johnson: Port Charles' Finest
6) Lucy on a caffeine high
5) Steve pondering
4) Kevin can't balance his checkbook
3) Ruby's dinner special
2) Sonny has many more Childhood Stories
And the number one really scary thing in Port Charles:
1) Cook

"That's your fear, not mine." -- Mac

November 5th 1995
Top Ten People Who Might Be Monica's Secret Admirer

10) Alan - misaddressed packages meant to send them to Bobbie
9) Ryan - getting really bored in Canada
8) Ned - and he's lying about it just to keep in practice
7) Tom Hardy - Monica's the real reason he came back to Port Charles
6) Kevin - well, he could have painted the portrait. (Though we'd have expected mushrooms sprouting out of her head if he had)
5) Miguel - now feels he's far enough away to safely express his true desires
4) Reginald - Italian Poetry, you bet; Artistic, yup; saved all year for the necklace
3) Sonny - Lily just not enough to satisfy him
2) Tony - how do you like it when your spouse is romancing your "best friend" Bobbie?
And the number one person who might be Monica's Secret Admirer:
1) Sigmund; wants Monica to adopt him if Mommy and Daddy don't get back together

"Quack, quack, quack,quackquackquaackquackquack." -- Sigmund

Nov 12th 1995
Top Ten Reasons We Desperately Miss Miguel

10) The eeire silence upstairs at Kelly's
9) No seasonal murder mystery with our favorite victim
8) Now so few opportunities to brush up on our Spanish insult hurling
7) Miguel/Ruby romance now out of the question
6) No one to interject "mumble, mumble, mumble, que?" when it needs to be said
5) Now Officer Johnson will have to empty the bed pans at GH, and serve drinks at the Outback, and maybe get a
record contract
4) Brenda gets so pathetic and hangs all over Sonny when she's not getting any
3) The Q boys hair flippin' skills are so weak, nobody to pick up the slack
2) Mac is inconsolable
And the number one reason we desperately miss Miguel:
1) There'll be no more Tricky Miggy to kick around anymore

"And you had Miguel." -- Stone Cates

November 14th 1995
Top Ten Things Kevin Does At The Lighthouse Now That Lucy Doesn't Visit
10) Makes bread
9) Plays with all the cool equipment Mac left behind
8) Watches Starsky and Hutch marathons on TNT
7) Does nightly cleansing rituals to get rid of Bill Eckert's ghost
6) Get's stinkin' drunk on San Sebastian wine
5) Scientific experiments with cappuccino machine
4) Makes crank calls to Psychic Hotline
3) Lovingly prepares Sigmund's duck pond
2) Sneers at Jeopardy contestants
And the number one thing Kevin does at The Lighthouse now that Lucy doesn't visit:
1) Corresponds with e-mail pal Razzleberry Peel


Thanksgiving Series

November 23rd 1995
Top Ten Things Edward Has to Be Grateful For
10) Despite numerous setbacks, the richest man in PC
9) Monica; any other daughter in law would hate him
8) A.J. could have been driving the Rolls
7) With that attempted murder rap to hold over Reggie's head, Edward's got a butler for life
6) Lots of friends in Congress right now
5) Miguel has left town
4) Alan hasn't killed anyone this year
3) New grandkids not interested in grabbing a piece of the Quartermaine action
2) Lila capable of putting up with anything
And the number one thing Edward has to be grateful for:
1) Cook is in a GOOD mood

November 23rd 1995
Top Ten Things Bobbie Has to Be Grateful For
10) Didn't manage to lose her job due to her dismal behavior in the last two years
9) Likely to keep Brownstone in any divorce settlement
8) Alan wasn't serious about a relationship
7) Fantastic sale on Oreo cookies-n-creme Ice Cream
6) Not constricted by tightly held morals
5) Miguel has left town
4) Laura choosing to ignore her spiteful sister-in-law
3) Lucas still doesn't know the meanings of many words applied to Bobbie
2) Boobie slapping drill team at the Gangster Hideaway for Thanksgiving
And the number one thing Bobbie has to be grateful for:
1) Tony no longer sharpening his scalpel in the kitchen

November 23rd 1995
Top Ten Things Lily Has To Be Grateful For
10) No school today or tomorrow, or the next day, or the next
9) A.J. didn't drag her into his problems
8) New Charity drive to give Barettes to the needy
7) Sonny rebounding like a ping-pong ball in a rubber room
6) Puerto Rico part of the United States: she can't be deported
5) Miguel has left town
4) Brenda bound and determined to make Lily look reasonable by saying catty things at every opportunity
3) Gangster Father not pushing for that shotgun wedding... yet
2) For Christmas Sonny might buy her a decent wardrobe
And the number one thing Lily has to be grateful for:
1) Garcia still single

November 30th 1995
Top Ten Suspects, and Their Confessions, IF Damian is Murdered
10) Justus Ward -- "Rat-boy tried to build a Wal-Mart on my turf. It was justifiable homicide"
9) Dr. Kevin Collins -- "DAM-i-an shouldn't go around messing with a serial-killer's twin brother"
8) Katy Bell -- "I was afraid for my life. Well... maybe not for my life, but Damian was threatening to cut off
my caviar supply. Same thing"
7) The Nedling -- "Grandfather said to 'take care' of Damian, and I took that to heart"
6) Lucy Coe -- "I finally got a look at that aura of his"
5) Mac Scorpio -- "What can I say?... testosterone overload"
4) Dr. Tony Jones -- "I finally snapped and decided to kill all of Bobbie's lovers... this could take a while"
3) Frank Smith -- "I wasn't really dead. I just wanted to see how my kid ran the business. He really screwed up"
2) Harry Silver -- "Hey, I was just protectin' our boy Sonny. That Smith kid doublecrossed him"
And the number one suspect and his confession IF Damian is murdered:
1) Sigmund, The Duck -- "Quack, quack, quack, quackety, quack, quack, quack, quack, quackety, quack, *squawk*"
Translation - It was an accident. He was trying to show me how to operate the snow-blower and things got out of
hand ... er.... web.

November 30th 1995
Top Ten Suspects, and Their Confessions, If Justus is Murdered
10) Ryan Chamberlain -- "I'm baaaaccckkkk... and I thought I'd start with someone who is definitely not blonde. I
HATE being pigeonholed"
9) Damian -- "We were laying the parking lot for CS Emporium and he jumped right in front of my steamroller"
8) Keesha -- "He called me 'Little Bit' one too many times"
7) Amy -- "He rejected my offer to bear him a child"
6) Edward -- "All the trouble I have with grandkids... I just wanted to get rid of an extra one"
5) Simone -- "It was self-defense. He was boring me to death"
4) A.J. -- "Well, I get blamed for everything else. Might as well take the rap for this too"
3) The Writers -- "Justifiable character assassination"
2) Tom -- "It was an accident. I didn't mean to poison him, shoot him, stab him, strangle him, bludgeon him
with a large santa-fe style vase and drop him off the ELQ Tower. It could have happened to anyone"
And the number one suspect, and his confession, if Justus is murdered:
1) Sigmund -- "That DAMN snow-blower again!"

"I'd like you to put out an APB on a missing duck." -- Justus Ward, City Councilman

Dec 2nd 1995
Top Ten Things Garcia Does On His Own Time
10) Crochets
9) Meets Lily Rivera clandestinely in the catacombs
8) Spends a day at the races with his good buddy, Harry
7) Corpse prospecting at the ELQ Factory
6) Occasionally knocks back beers with the Canadian Mounties
5) Tries to figure out why Councilman Ward is putting out APBs on Ducks
4) Jogs around town in spandex
3) Watches "Car 54"; sympathizes with Toody
2) Sends Sean monosyllabic updates
And the number one thing Garcia does on his own time:
1) Surfs the internet lookin' for Babes

"What I do on my own time is my own business." -- Garcia

Dec 6th 1995
Top Ten Things Sigmund is Thinking of Doing to Officer Johnson for "Just Doing His Duty"

10) Calling police headquarters and quacking up a storm
9) Fouling that brand new fountain in front of the Mayor's mansion
8) Dropping a note to Bobbie Spencer Jones professing undying love and signing it Rick Johnson
7) Sick the bunny-lovers on him
6) Frame him for the snow-blower murders
5) Send him a bunch of Lassie tapes
4) Eat all his popcorn before the big game
3) Anonymous Christmas Gift - Miguel Morez CD
2) Make a strong suggestion that Officer Johnson migrate south for the winter
And the number one thing Sigmund is thinking of doing to Officer Johnson for "just doing his duty"
1) Give Garcia the tip that Johnson is Harry's source

"My source is very reliable." -- Harry

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