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January 1996 - March 1996

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Top Ten People Who Might Murder Bobbie and Their Motives
10) Kevin - "She refused to pay her humongous bill"
9) Lucy - "I'm just covering for Sigmund. There was telltale snow all over the place"
8) Steve Hardy - "I was sick and tired of hearing her whiny voice... and the scalpel was so handy"
7) Damian - "The memory of our affair still haunts me. I thought strangling her might get rid of it"
6) Alan - "The memory of our affair had completely slipped my mind. This infuriated her and in self defense I had to drop a roof on her"
7) Monica - "I wanted to make her an ex-ex-best friend"
6) Betty (the babysitter) - "She found out my husband's name was Barney and just would not let up with the Flintstones jokes"
5) Amy - "She was the only thing standing between me and a promotion"
4) Katherine - "She was the only thing standing between me and the buffet table"
3) Felicia - "She tried to raise my rent for the second time this year"
2) Sigmund - "And I'm not even going to say 'the snow -blower came on accidentally' for this one. She dissed
Mom one too many times"
And the number one suspect and his confession if Bobbie is murdered:
1) Tony - "Well, who did you expect? Don't tell ME I haven't got a motive"

"There goes that plan." -- Dr. Tony Jones

December 18th 1995
Top Ten Reasons Simone And Justus Might Not Get Married
10) Simone turns out to be illegitmate Quartermaine off-springand they can only get married in Arkansas
9) Justus turns out to be Newt Gingrich's illegitimate off-spring and that's illegal even in Arkansas
8) Christmas Day in PC lasts until New Year's Eve. There is no inbetween in which to hold the wedding
7) Simone so busy staring at Felicia and Tom together she forgets to say I do
6) Rings lost in terrible bacon-fire accident
5) The ghost of Bradley Ward appears to Justus and warns him that Simone is not the woman for him.
4) Jessica Fletcher shows up at the wedding
3) Might invite Miguel to sing at their wedding. Everyone sucked into big black hole of boredom
2) Tommy threatens to hold his breath until his face turns blue... and so does Tom
And the number reason Simone and Justus Might Not Get Married:
1) Simone comes to her senses

"Hello, Bride," — Justus
"Hello, Groom," — Simone
"Hello, Fast Forward button." — Us

Jan 1st 1996
Top Ten Things Jon's Fans Are Doing Now That There Is No Jon Lindstrom Fan Club
10) Origami...tons and tons of origami
9) Checking to see if the John J. York Fan Club has any openings
8) Visualizing a quarterly newsletter
7) Organizing teachers' strike
6) Catching up on Days Of Our Lives
5) Joining the Peace Corps
4) Eagergly awaiting each showing of "Wheel Of Fortune"
3) Following Matt Ashford around at celebrity events
2) Scrapping plans for Jon Lindstrom Gala Banquet
And the number one thing Jon's fans are doing now that there is no Jon Lindstrom Fan Club
1) Same things we did before, with eighteen more dollars a year

1996 New Year's Resolution Series

Jan 1st 1996
Mac's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Finally put away ALL of Eve's clothes
9) Try to keep Robin's existence firmly in mind
8) Stop doctoring the books at the Outback
7) Think up more creative nicknames for Damian
6) Explain humor to Katherine
5) Master the new seven speed blender at work
4) Give Sonny a hug
3) Find out what Felicia is doing with all those little umbrellas
2) Brush up on vocabularly and challenge Kevin to an intellectual conversation
And Mac's number one New Year's Resolution:
1) No more processed meat spread orgies

"Anybody for some processed meat spread!?" -- Mac

Jan 1st 1996
Katherine's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Finally send back to Damian his extra socks she's been keeping
9) Work on that responsiblilty concept
8) Find a real job
7) Have wonderful little sadistic fantasies about Damian
6) Remember the punch line to just one joke
5) Master the lobster pick
4) Give Sonny a hug
3) Stop falling for that scratch-and-sniff-sticker-at-the bottom-of-the-pool joke
2) Have bed sheets dry-cleaned and laminated
And Katherine's number one New Year's Resolution:
1) Learn how to spell Scorpio

"Mrs. Mac Serpico. No, no. Katherine Scurpio. Katy Bell Sorpio." — Katherine (trying it out)

Jan 1st 1996
Sonny's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Dance lessons
9) Big bonus for Harry
8) Tell Lily about the "mob tradition" of keeping a mistress
7) Talk to Luke about his hair
6) Remember not to trust Brenda
5) Put a lid on the childhood stories
4) Give Brenda a hug
3) Therapy with that nice Doctor Kevin
2) "Convince" Miguel he has no future in North America
And Sonny's number one New Year's resolution:
1) Become Police Commissioner

"Was that ever an alternative?" -- Luke

Brenda's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Legally adopt Robin as her sister
9) Show up for work at Deception every once and a while
8) Master that damn Coffee-maker
7) Talk to Miguel about his hair
6) Think up more creative nicknames for Lily
5) Explain again to Lois how selling the company to Edward seemed like a good idea at the time
4) Give Sonny a great big hug
3) Resist Ned's hypnotic suggestions
2) Slavishly follow whatever new fashion comes along
And Brenda's number one New Year's Resolution
1) Engage brain cells

"Let it alone, Brenda." -- Luke

January 1996
Top Ten Things Katherine Has Trouble Remembering

10) Exact relationship to Dominique
9) She is currently unemployed
8) She owes the hospital AIDS Outreach Program about 20,000 bucks
7) Ned's last name is Ashton
6) Eerie quacking in Outback parking lot
5) Justus once implied that she was a homewrecking slut in open court
4) In most of Damian's activities she was a more than willing participant
3) Comakaty hospital bill still outstanding
2) Scott who?
And the number one thing Katherine has trouble remembering
1) Table manners

"I try to remember, but there's nothing!" -- Katherine Bell

January 1996
Top Ten Chick Names For Julia
10) Laid-off Government Chick
9) The FAQ Chick
8) The Forgery Chick
7) The Undecided Chick
6) The Chick Who Until Recently Said "Ni"
5) The Blizzard of 96 Chick
4) Chick-let
3) Blank Chick
2) The Stuffed Chick
And the number one Chick name for Julia
1) The Righteous Chick

"Let there be Chicks." -- The Spirit of RATSA

January 1996
Top Ten Things Damian Might Be Doing While In Hiding
10) Being treated for anemia
9) Watching Hitchcock films
8) Reenacting Hamlet with Frank's ghost
7) Shadowing Lucy and Kevin in Paris
6) Building a vast underground empire in the Port Charles Catacombs
5) Writing scathing letters to the New York times about the inadequacies of the PC Art Museum
4) Paying a courtesy visit to the convalescing Sean Donely
3) Firing his imcompetent Mob accountants
2) Rethinking his career options
And the number one thing Damian might be doing:
1) Hiding out at the Art Chick's place (Now that she's got that stove)

"Dorman, you bambi killer." -- Damian

January 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Want To Be Part Of FGC Damian

10) Get to associate with people of questionable moral fiber
9) Still admire the way he stole that Ray Conway evidence
8) Damian so much easier to defend than Ned
7) Teresa wants to be Keeper of the Occassional Vulnerability
6) FGC Reginald having a slow month
5) Heard they give away free towels
4) Tracy wants to be Keeper of The Slightly Mussed Hair
3) Damian not even in the top ten list of bad deed doers in Port Chuckles
2) Anyone Katherine dumps can't be all bad
And the number one reason we want to be part of FGC Damian:
1) To bask in The Glory of Art Chick's return

"Katherine, you know I have a phobia." -- Damian

January 1996


The "shouting" of this list was deliberate and in response to another usenet poster who had referred to Katherine as "kool" and written his or her note in all caps.

January 28th 1996
Top Ten Reasons To Attend A High Lonesome Concert
10) Larry: Nice voice, GREAT hair
9) Might see the Bud Light Ladies
8) Two words: Phil's Concertina
7) Razz lights up the dance floor
6) The off-chance that Jeb might actually speak
5) Where else can you hear "Poindexter" frequently repeated
4) Possibility of seeing a member of the Kurth/Taylor Band
3) Occasional glimpses of Jon Lindstrom behind the drums
2) Soon to be hit single "True Believer" has real easy "Na, na, na" chorus
And the number one reason to attend a High Lonesome concert:
1) Gary

"Small of stature, but big of heart." -- Larry Poindexter (doing Gary's intro)

Top Ten Reasons Kevin Should Go To San Antonio
10) Twenty Degrees warmer than Port Charles
9) Don't want to be around when Katy goes on her Mac-less eating binge
8) Officer Ricky hasn't made an arrest in over a week: anyone could be his next target
7) Felicia might press him into service at the Outback
6) Luke says he shouldn't; that should be reason enough
5) Borg-Jason in a really bad mood
4) He is an expert Lucy interpreter
3) To dispell disturbing memories of past life as a blacksmith who died at the Alamo
2) If he goes to San Antonio, A.J. can't get the car keys.
And the number one reason Kevin should go to San Antonio
1) To explore his feminine side

"What am I doing hangin' round
I should be on that train and gone
I should be ridin' on that train to San Antone
What am I doing hangin' round."
— Michael Murphy

"Can I have the bereavement fare. I'm going to Damian's funeral." — Kevin Collins (at the airport)

February 9th 1996
Top Ten Things That Would Make Life on RATSA Easier
10) Automatic emoticons
9) Katy Bell collapsing in a fit of remorse
8) Self-sending FAQs
7) Miguel dropping by only three days out of the year and talking on only one of them
6) Better jokes in sigs
5) Bobbie never having a storyline again
4) Standardized measurements of good acting
(Yes! He's done Hamlet's soliloquy in under two minutes. We have a winnah!)
3) If Brenda, Sonny and Lily all got buried in an avalanche and their pitiful frozen bodies weren't found until spring
2) General adoption of the Golden Rule
And the number one thing that would make life on RATSA easier:
1) Have Cook running things

"Can't we all just get along." -- R. King

February 1996
Top Ten Good Things Damian Has Done
10) Got the Nurses' Ball started again and Underwrote the Ball two years in a row
9) Saved Lucy's life by finding out where Joe Scummy was holding her and gallantly telling Luke
8) Acknowleged his debt to Lucky for saving his life and he was even polite. (Take a page, Katherine)
7) Tipped Lucy off that Katherine had slipped up in conning Scott
6) Gave General Hospital hefty checks two years in a row
5) Contaminated the Ray Conway evidence for Alan
4) Sang cute song with Lucy at last Nurses' Ball
3) Came up with idea for much needed Toxic Incinerator in Port Charles (they could use it for Justus' political
2) Exposed Dorman for the Bambi Killer he is. (Let's see Steve and Alan support Dr. Compassion now)
And the number one good thing Damian has done:
1) Wore a towel

"I can do anything better than you." -- Damian

February 1996
Top Ten Ways Lily Could Make More Friends (our little effort to help with The Plan)

10) Attend Church socials
9) Ask Harry to introduce her to Sybil
8) Pie fights
7) Hang out in the lobby at General Hospital
6) Realize that Sonny's conversational skills are not likely to improve
5) Buy a house in the Charles Street neighborhood
4) New hairstyle for a new attitude
3) Take up boxing
2) Start making some scenes
And the number one way Lily could make more friends:
1) Bribes

"I don't want you to carry me." -- Lily Rivera Corinthos

February 20th 1996
It was a dark and stormy night, when I walked into the gin joint. I sidled up to the bar and ordered a double... The two leggy brunettes heard my request. "A double?" They looked at each other, nodded, then turned back to me. "The duck quacks at 11:21." Yes, it was, indeed, the code phrase. This must be the elusive T 'n' T. They scribbled something on a napkin and slipped it to me. "Here," they whispered, "post this to ratsa for us. And tell them... we'll be back..." As they slipped off into the night, I thought... of all the gin joints in all the world... ;-)

And without further silliness or ado...

Razz, posting for T 'n' T:

by T 'n' T
10) Play a wide variety of venues
9) Giving the Kurth-Taylor Band a run for their money
8) Schedule last-minute concerts when Tucson fans are planning to come to town
7) Can also do improvisational theatre
6) Have more sit-com experiences than any other band except The Monkees
5) Phil "Magic Fingers" Ward
4) On the verge of superstardom, but not obnoxious about it
3) Have Gary to write their own top ten lists
2) Stylin'
And the NUMBER ONE really cool thing about The High Lonesome...
1) Road Warriors on the Information Superhighway

"If I were a car, I'd be a Karman Ghia." -- Jeb

March 12th 1996
Top Ten Mysteries On GH That Interest Us
10) Why would Borg-Jason walk into Kelly's? Wouldn't the smell keep an objective person like himself out?
9) Why do people believe things that Luke imagines?
8) Where did Marco go?
7) What does Cook DO when she's displeased?
6) Who gets to tell Harper that Lucky is a good friend of Sonny Corinthos?
5) Why isn't Stephen T. Kay in the ending credits?
4) What do the Idle Rich do while Eddie is busy being Ned?
3) What the devil happened to Damian's mother?!
2) Where is Tracy Quartermaine?
And the number one Mystery on GH that interests us
1) Jerry Jacks (the heck with his smarmy younger brother; We wanna see the insane one)

(Would you look at that... Damian's murder and Bobbie's past didn't even make it.)

"Sooner or later everyone comes in here." -- Luke Spencer

Special One Life to Live List

March 12th 1996
Top Ten Reasons Why Tina and Cord Shouldn't Get Back Together

10) Dual tendency towards amnesia
9) She's secretly in love with Larry Wolek
8) Wouldn't that make for another tedious divorce?
7) Tina's phone psychic predicted dire consequences
6) C.J. and Sarah already very confused
5) Cord still thinks that marital infidelity means leaving the army
4) Her fondness for puppets
3) He's secretly in love with Roseanne
2) It turns out that he's really a Lord. Cord Lord
And the number one reason why Tina and Cord shouldn't get back together
1) Cord will only go to sleep with a nitelite and Tina will go to sleep with anything

"Tina, you lied to me!" -- Cord (pick a year, any year)

March 13th 1996
Top Ten Ways A Wal-Mart... er C.S. Emporium Is Better Than a Toxic Incinerator
10) Those trendy spring fashions
9) Mutations much less frequent
8) Fewer workers' comp claims
7) Muzak
6) Cut rate electronics
5) Professional Greeters
4) Lots of Parking
3) Little smiley face stickers
2) Killer publicity campaign
And the number one way a Wal-Mart... er... C.S. Emporiumis better than a toxic incinerator:
1) Refunds (Ha, ha)

"Live with it." -- Damian Smith

Top Ten Ways A Wal-Mart... er C.S. Emporium Is Worse Than a Toxic Incinerator
10) Those trendy spring fashions
9) Mutations much less frequent
8) Fewer workers' comp claims
7) Muzak
6) Cut rate electronics
5) Professional Greeters
4) Lots of Parking
3) Little smiley face stickers
2) Killer publicity campaign
And the number one way a Wal-Mart... er... C.S. Emporium is better than a toxic incinerator:
1) Refunds (Ha, ha)

"I'll see you rot in hell." -- Edward the Q

March 14th 1996
Top Ten Things Jax Is Hiding
10) Third Jacks brother, Jamie
9) Monica's secret admirer
8) Ambition to own a cetain well known Port Charles Business... Kelly's!
7) Really hates flying; only does it to impress girls
6) Sunburns easily
5) He killed Damian because the corrugated paper version was giving suave, sophisticated, villains a bad name
4) Horrible weakness for saltwater taffy
3) Not really talking to anyone on the other end of that cellular phone
2) Floral speedos at the back of the sock drawer
And the number one thing Jax is hiding:
1) net.addict

"Australia! Australia! Australia! We love you!" Bruce

March 15th 1996
Top Ten Things About Which Garcia Fantasizes
10) Singing "hunk of burnin' love" backed by the Idle Rich; groupies rush the stage
9) Never going out on a date with Amy Vining
8) Lingerie Shopping
7) Dream Trip to Canada
6) Interrogating super model, Cindy Crawford
5) Solving a case
4) Bungee jumping... naked
3) Clandestine weekends with Tiffany Hill in New York
2) Being the new Police Commissioner
And the number one thing about which Garcia fantasizes
1) Lucy offering him a "bribe"

"This is how I think it might have gone down." -- Det. Alex Garcia

March 15th 1996
Ten Things We Fantasize About Garcia (We regret that we could not actually post the TOP ten due to explicit content)

10) He's not married
9) Goofy ties
8) Solving the Lindberg Kidnapping
7) Him singing "hunk of burnin' love" backed by the Idle Rich; we rush the stage
6) Technicolor flashbacks
5) Playgirl spread
4) Bungee jumping... naked
3) Frustrated at his inability to get Damian on any charge that would stick, Garcia shadowed the unfortunate Mr. Smith on the day of his death, overheard the conversation with Justus and deduced that he could catch Damian unawares at the Bradley Ward House that evening. He waits, his trusty billy club in hand. When Damian comes in, sloshing gasoline on the tacky funiture, he sees his chance and smacks him with the club, *thwack*!, thereby upholding the PCPD tradition of ignoring due-process
2) A two year contract
And the number one thing we fantasize about Garcia
1) Garcia in an overcoat.... just an overcoat

"In your dreams." -- Lucy Coe

March 16th
Top Ten Newbie Hints For RATSA Survival

10) Learn to hint subtly for updates
GH Updaters are sensitive. Though you're not asking for them specificly to provide an update, they still percieve pressure. Instead ask for specific knowledge such as "What did Kevin and Lucy do today," and "Does anyone out there know if Luke was arrested?" After all no one really cares about everything that happens on GH, but if you do, pump those that e-mail you for further details.
9) Read the FAQs
Ha! We give this advice, but we never followed it. Yes, it's true. We never bothered to read the ALL: FAQ's and only
read the GH ones by accident. But, if you're going to take this road, then be vewwwyyy careful. It's like driving a highway at night without headlights; if you hit someone the net.cops will bust you.
8) Cozy up to the right people
Yeah, take a page from Carly's suck up book. Find the most aggressive, yet still popular, RATSA poster and get into their good graces. Run and hide behind them when the flamethrowers comeout.
7) Write long notes with big words in them
Even if people disagree with you they're liable to mistake you for a thoughtful and intelligent person, and cushion any insults they may have hurled. Keep a dictionary and thesaurus nearby.
6) Make nostalgic cultural references
No matter what else is in your post, people will pick up on that and start a nice tangent, about when they used to watch, "Father knows Best" or the "Cosby Show". Most of all know your "Star Trek" and "BradyBunch" trivia; it comes in handy.
5) Know the Difference Between a Flame and a Disagreement
It's subtle but it's there. Saying, "No, you're wrong, Lily is nice and Brenda is a bitch," is not a flame. If you take it as
such you'll be getting into a lot of wars. "How can you be so stupid as to like Brenda," is a flame.
4) Laughter is the Best Medicine
The best thing to douse flames is humor...er...tasteful humor. (Nothing that Howard Stern might say.) Should someone say, you're stupid to like Brenda, say something like, "It's true, they dropped me on my head as a child and now I just adore any dark-haired vixen who traipses across the tv screen." If they don't laugh, they'll at least be confused.
3) Too Many SPOILERS Cook Your Goose
Hard as it is for us to believe, some people don't like to know what's going to happen in advance, please don't tell them what's in the pretty beribboned box. Put in warnings and Spoilerspace. This includes discussing the day's show. That's spoiling until the next day.
2) Don't Multi-post
We realize that this is sometimes accidental. Some of the diceyer services indicate your note hasn't been posted when it has. Be patient and wait to see if an experimental note pops up. Never purposely repost a note over and over and over.
And the number one hint for newbies on R.A.T.S.A.
1) We All Want To Change The World
Get all those nasty thoughts of Revolution out of your heads. You can't overthrow an anarchy. No one is running this place, and we can't imagine why they'd want to; there's neither profit nor power involved. The updaters, FAQ posters and FGC CEOs are only trying to express their appreciation of GH and a desire to help other fans. Sure we're a crusty bunch, but once you crack the exterior there's a chocolate creme middle.

"A RATSAer is a soap watchin' computer geek with a flamethrower and an attitude." -- Anonymous singed Newbie

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