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September 1995 to February 1996

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Early September 95
Top Ten Reasons Nick Isn't a Very Good Vampire
10) Has a secret yen to play naked volleyball on sun drenched California beach
9) Tips his hairdresser
8) Gets queasy at autopsies
7) Thinks Brad Pitt did a fine job in Interview with the Vampire
6) Doesn't even ask them to leave off the garlic anymore at his favorite Italian restaurant
5) Some of his best friends are named Van Helsing
4) Seriously thinking about braces or a retainer
3) For God's sake, even Schanke started getting suspicous
2) Wouldn't even cringe at the sentence above
And the number one reason Nick isn't a very good Vampire
1) Drinks his blood chilled (How gauche)

Early September 95
Top Ten Reasons We'll Miss Schanke
10) New partner could be more obnoxious
9) His sensitivity
8) His enthralling stories about his wife
7) No more Schankeisms
6) No one to wash Nick's car now
5) The moose pajamas
4) His keen deductive abilities
3) The Canadian crime element bound to get out of hand now
2) His wonderful rapport with LaCroix
And the number one reason we'll miss Schanke
1) We were looking forward to more of that steamy Schanke/Cohen relationship

"Nice deer." -- Cohen

Early September 95
The Top Ten Things That Annoy LaCroix
10) Nick behaving like a rebellious adolescent
9) Nero... so often misquoted in literature
8) The difficulty of finding any mens clothing shops open after dark in Toronto
7) Radio station wanting him to put more commercials in during his show
6) Next door neighbors using garlic as door hanging
5) Christmas
4) The Raven can't seem to keep the blood-type he prefers in stock
3) George Hamilton portraying a vampire
2) FAA rules
And the number one thing that annoys LaCroix
1) Second-billing

Early September 1995
Natalie's Top Ten Tips for Nick to Become More Human
10) Wear bright primary colors
9) Watch daytime Soaps and no cheating by using the timer
8) Keep your feet on the ground
7) Stop hanging out at Vampire night clubs and saying "it's part of the job"
6) Less late night talk radio
5) Imitate Schanke
4) Keep something else in the frig besides that "paint thickener"
3) Forget the Svengali routine
2) Try not to slant
And Natalie's number one tip for Nick to become more human:
1) Kiss me, you fool!

Top Ten Reasons We're Looking Forward to Forever Knight's Third Season
10) Can't wait to see Nick and Nat exchange secretive looks in front of a new partner
9) Want to see if The Raven has new music selections this year
8) Those one-on-one Nick/LaCroix flashbacks
7) Scientifically speaking we're interested in observing Nick's progress towards becoming human/mortal
6) THIS Captain has GOT to be better
5) Voyager not holding our full attention
4) USA Network bound to be marginally more competent than the local syndicated station. (i.e. no more forgetting to cut back from commercial)
3) Hoping the Nightcrawler goes National
2) You just can't have too many hunky male vampires
And the number one reason we're looking forward to Forever Knight's third season:
1) Two words: More LaCroix

Top Ten Reasons Peter Caine and Nick Knight Have Never Met Despite Both Being Cops in Toronto
10) Different precincts
9) Not enough room for all those flashbacks
8) The Shaolin-trained aren't partial to the Raven's psychic atmosphere
7) Being Schanke's partner has resulted in Nick being a veritable social outcast
6) Peter busy with the girl-of-the-week
5) Colliding philosophical universes
4) They prefer to use different Medical Examiners
3) Both Nick and Peter absolutely refuse to go to the annual policeman's ball
2) Wouldn't want to see them get LaCroix and Kwai Chang together, would we?
And the number one reason Peter Caine and Nick Knight have never met despite both being cops in Toronto:
1) That Day Shift/Night Shift problem

Top Ten Reasons We're Not Yet Really Sure if We Like The Third Season of Forever Knight
10) Tracy, is there anyway to shut her up... besides necking with a Vampire?
9) Now we're NEVER going to see Myra
8) Really miss Cohen's sparkling wit and scintillating personality
7) Misuse of chocolate
6) Nick, goofier than ever
5) Schanke gone means a gaping hole of comic relief
4) Churchgoing Vampires; there's something wrong with that
3) Janette took all the class at the Raven with her
2) Not enough LaCroix yet
And the number one reason we're not yet really sure if we like the third season of Forever Knight
1) Not sure when Part II is on

"Four years is an eye blink to you." -- Natalie

Top Ten Wonderful Things About FK's Season Premiere
10) New Captain shows evidence of having a personality
9) New partner, Tracy, has a cool name (that's a biased opinion)
8) Explosions
7) Janette made it out alive (er... undead)
6) Beautifully ironic, if predictable, that Nick sailed on the Titanic. (Black Bhudda nothin'! We know Nick's a walking curse.)
5) Natalie giving Nick what for
4) Nick the same good old angst-ridden guy
3) Pretty good Direction
2) It's not Space Precinct
And the number one most wonderful thing about FK's season premiere:
1) LaCroix still there

"I broadcast from a booth in the back. It's very convenient." -- LaCroix

Top Ten Names For New FK factions
10) The Deniers - Those who refuse to accept Schanke's death and base pieces of creative writing on how
he might have survived
9) Vachonettes - Fans of the new vampire
8) Core-Vetters - Fans of the new partner
7) Nukeits - Fans who despise the whole darn idea of this third season
6) YUVATSOs - Fans of the Vachon/Tracy combo. (Stands for Young Urban Vampires And Their Signigicant Others)
5) Brick-throwers - Fans supporting Nat whenever she attempts to bring Nick to his senses
4) FoT (Friends of Tracy) - Fans of Tracy Vetter (even if she isn't as friendly as Schanke)
3) Reese's Pieces - Fans of the new Captain
2) Vaqueros - Fans of Vachon
And the number one name for an FK faction
1) The Redecorators - Fans of The Raven who really hate what LaCroix has done with the place

"We have stripping on Fridays" -- LaCroix

Top Ten Things That Should Tip Off Tracy That Her Partner Is a Vampire
10) He hangs out at the hot vampire night spots
9) He NEVER complains about working graveyard shift
8) The slight shudder whenever she brings in Italian food for a midnight snack
7) The SPF 2000 sunscreen in his medicine cabinet
6) He has way more flashbacks than your average joe
5) He'll ocassionally slip up and call her boyfriend a blood-thirsty little punk
4) Whenever she acts like a martyr, he'll say, "I knew Joan of Arc, and you're no Joan of Arc."
3) Keeps coffee under his sink
2) Gets confused when you ask what his blood type is
And the number one thing that should tip Tracy off that her partner is a vampire:
1) The glowing eyes and pointy teeth

"She's your responsibility." -- Nick

Top Ten Things Tracy Could Do to Win Over the Audience
10) Develop a penchant for practical jokes
9) Rescue Nick
8) Lead Vachon around by the nose
7) Buy Natalie a really thoughtful gift
6) Be brought across
5) Bust her corrupt Police Commissioner Dad
4) Find out about Nick being a vampire, but don't tell him she knows. That way she could know that he didn't know she knew, but know that she did know something
3) Go find Jeanette and bring her back
2) Buy chocolate (non-exploding variety) for every single FK fan
And the number one thing Tracy could do to win over the audience:
1) Solve a case with hard work and intelligence

October 15th 1995
Top Ten Ways to Tell If Your Dog is a Vampire
10) Won't touch his kibble
9) Noontime walks in the park no longer appeal to him
8) Mail carrier's in the area keep disappearing
7) Red-eye effect not just in photos
6) Neighbor's tabby dead; only marks on him, two holes in the neck
5) Won't go to church with you
4) Used to nip playfully; now he's not happy until he draws blood
3) When you take him out on the leash he kind of floats up above your head rather than walking
2) You have considerably less to do with that pooper scooper
And the number one way to tell if your dog is a Vampire:
1) He looks guilty

October 26 1995
Top Ten Things Nick Feels Guilty About
10) Cows; do they have souls?
9) Not giving himself to Nat as a sexual plaything
8) Not offering to pay Screed's dental bills
7) Flying without lights
6) Not giving Janette a child
5) Global warming
4) Having a crush on Marcia Brady
3) Midnight snacks
2) Crusades pretty much a bust
And the number one thing Nick feels guilty about
1) About 800 years

October 26 1995
Top Ten Things LaCroix Doesn't Feel Guilty About
10) Sending Vachon cow greeting cards, presents, etc.
9) Subscribing to the playboy channel
8) Bringing across Jimmy Hoffa
7) Smuggling art-work across the Canadian border
6) Redecorating the Raven
5) Reciting limericks on the radio
4) Immensely enjoying watching "Full House"
3) The Spanish Inquisition
2) Declining homeless population
And the number one thing LaCroix Doesn't Feel Guilty About
1) Nick's goldfish (Long story... you don't want to know)

November 8 1995
Top Ten Things "Rosebud" Does on the Internet
10) Moderates chats for the incarcerated criminally insane
9) Tries to start unusual alt groups, like alt.cuisine.human
8) Encourages on line Nightcrawler fan club
7) Thinks up new Latin puns to put in his signature file
6) Hacks into the local police computer and chuckles at Nick's reports
5) Creates his own web page http://www.rosebud/torstar.com
4) Goes to the humor newsgroups and tells Vachon jokes
3) Surreptitiously incites FK War misposts
2) Let's his mailbox exceed its space limit
And the number one thing "Rosebud" does on the Internet:
1) Sends programming suggestions to USA Network

November 8 1995
Top Ten Things That Confuse Vachon
10) Tracy not always jumping at the chance to take advantage of his macho vampire rescue techniques
9) Scissors
8) The Blinovitch Limitation effect
7) Bela Lugosi is not really a vampire
6) DOS
5) Older vampires being inexplicably unimpressed with slacker attitude
4) Screed's slang
3) Committment
2) Kill...bring across, bring across...kill. Which one's which?
And the number one thing that confuses Vachon:
1) Responsibility

November 21st 1995
Top Ten Things Of Which Nick Needs To Be Reminded
10) Chicken soup is not a cure-all
9) Captain Reese is his boss
8) For years Jeanette made being a vampire worthwile
7) LaCroix's penchant for practical jokes
6) Garlic pills are on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet behind the full can of shaving cream
5) Flashbacks and driving don't mix
4) Tracy is a *good cop*
3) Avoid Nat's protein shakes
2) His body count
And the number one thing of which Nick needs to be reminded:
1) It's not classy to drink blood straight from the bottle

"Nick, you're eating!" -- Natalie

November 27th 1995
Top Ten Ways To Tell If Your Vampire Is Possessed By A Demon
10) Won't touch his protein shakes anymore
9) Real chummy with Linda Blair lately
8) Suddenly starts making out his police reports in Tongues
7) Hangs out in bars wearing women's clothing
6) More squeamish than usual about crosses
5) Wants to watch "Rosemary's Baby" over and over and over...
4) Deeper voice
3) Forces you to listen to Barry Manilow
2) Not just drinking blood, spitting it up too
And the number one way to tell if your vampire is possessed by a demon:
1) Some really fine dramatic interludes

"I'm sure he's okay, Natalie. He probably just stopped at the drugstore on the way home." -- Tracy

February 9th 1996
Top Ten Things Nick Could Do To Make His Job More Exciting
10) Teach Natalie to speak Latin so they can talk about vampire stuff right in front of people
9) New desk
8) Try to do it without flying
7) Hypnotize uniform police officers into thinking they're chickens
6) Hand out free stakes and crosses to the local criminal element
5) Look for cases that have more than one suspect
4) Start betting pool on the length of Tracy's career
3) See if he can get Vachon enrolled in the Police Academy
2) Making attempting to bust Tracy's Dad a hobby
And the number one thing Nick could do to make his job more exciting:
1) Let LaCroix tag along

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These lists were written by Teresa and Tracy Murray, T 'n' T
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We don't mind if you share these lists with anyone who might appreciate the dubious humor therein.
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