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September 1995 to October 1998

Armin Shimmerman (Quark, DS9)
Take A Chance With The Stars, October 12th 1996

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Main_Menu Port_Charles MacGyver Star_Trek Kung_Fu Forever_Knight Misc

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Early September 1995 re: The 37s
Top Ten Reasons The Voyager Crew Didn't Stay On That Planet
10) Planet's most common food... spam
9) Would miss Tuvok's next stand-up act
8) Just a mite suspicious about that slave revolt spiel
7) Afraid of what Paris might do if he got his hands on anymore ground vehicles
6) Those sweaty black battle uniforms; a truly sorry fashion statement
5) Not sure it's a good idea to encourage the human infestation of the delta quadrant
4) They all wanted to be there three years down the line to see how Tuvok handles Pon Farr; already bought their tickets
3) Planet doesn't have prozac; have to stay near the replicated supply
2) Harry Kim sent out a memo saying the time to report to the cargo bay had been changed from 1500 to 1700. Everyone in space before they had a chance to object
And the number one reason the Voyager crew didn't stay on that planet:
1) Crippling hay fever

"Let's not revive them and say we did." -- Tuvok

Early September 95
Top Ten Holodeck Fantasies Aboard Voyager
10) A triumphant return home after a mere two year voyage; a ticker tape parade and everything
9) The McDonald's scenario: even if it's only holo-matter it tastes better than the slop Neelix serves
8) The 'Kick The Stuffin' Out Of A Cardassian' program
7) 101 Different Ways they could have handled that "Caretaker" problem
6) The Ususal Interstellar Singing Star Fantasy (Future equivalent of singing in the shower)
5) Various sexual holo-fantasies that we are too inhibited to describe in detail
4) Brady Bunch re-creation
3) The Captain's "surprise" party
2) The old Enterprise Fantasy (I'll be Kirk and you be Spock)
And the number one holodeck fantasy aboard Voyager:
1) The talking horse

"Of course, of course." -- Tuvok

Early September 95
Top Ten Ways Voyager Gets In Trouble
10) Exploring peculiar nebulas
9) Picking up hitchhikers
8) Ticking off super-beings
7) Letting anyone leave the ship in a shuttlecraft
6) Not cleaning the filters on the transporter often enough
5) Asking directions
4) Ye olde Time Anomalies
3) Basic misunderstanding of local politics
2) Holodeck fantasies get out of hand
And the number one way Voyager gets in trouble:
1) Ion trails

"We would arrive home more quickly, Captain, if we traveled in a straight line." -- Tuvok (under his breath)

Top Ten Things The Federation Put Barclay In Charge Of
10) The design of Voyager's defensive shields
9) Finding any former Enterprise crewmembers who go missing
8) The Cardassian/Federation cultural exchange program
7) Creating "special" holoprograms for certain Starfleet Admirals
6) Researching the instruction manual "How To Date A Romulan And Survive"
5) Coming up with defense plans to use against the Dominion
4) Installing the "machines that go ppiiiinnnggg" in the new NCC-1701E
3) Testing the interpersonal skills of Klingon transfer students
2) Writing the revised technobabble dictionary for Starfleet Academy
And the number one thing The Federation put Barclay in charge of:
1) The problematical manipulation of circumstances to optimize the inherent risk factors to unacceptably dangerous levels. (i.e. Trouble-making)

"Humans have a tendency to overindulge in wishful fantasies... Vulcans, on the other hand, tell mathematical jokes." -- Tuvok

Top Ten Things That Are Subtly Different In The Mirror Universe
10) Garak, not quite as good at lying
9) The Bajorans deep-sixed the Prophets concept, and strung up the Kai, five seasons ago
8) Worf relaxing in the lap of luxury with ten wives hand feeding him with prunes
7) The Delta Quadrant happily undisturbed by any Federation types
6) Keiko is enslaved on a moon colony waiting to be rescued by Smiley
5) Cough syrup tastes good
4) Ferengi, human-kind's closest allies
3) Michael Jackson, revered historical figure
2) Picard has handlebar moustache
And the number one thing that is subtly different in the mirror universe:
1) Most humans left-handed

"This Universe is not logical, Mr. O'Brien. We must accept that and operate from that position. Please pass the explosives." -- Tuvok

Top Ten Reasons We Don't Like Neelix
10) Reminds us of a creepy kid we used to know in elementary school
9) He can't make spaghetti unless it squirms under its own power
8) He has no real good reason to continue to hang out with these nutty aliens
7) Driving the price of replicator credits through the ceiling
6) Some guide! He never @!#$%^&* knows when it's important
5) Won't stop playing that Thalaxian punk music in the mess hall
4) Too possessive of Kes. She's only got nine years... let the poor girl experiment
3) On general principles, we hate any character predicted to be "break out"
2) Those clothes can make your eyes bleed
And the number one reason we don't like Neelix:
1) He's morale officer, isn't that reason enough

"Mr. Neelix, if you serve another meal like this one, it will be my duty to confine you to the brig."-- Tuvok

Top Ten Things That Annoy Tuvok
10) Neelix calling him "Mr. Vulcan"
9) They never let him put anyone in the brig
8) The Captain philosophizing at inappropriate moments
7) That low whine from the impulse engines that humans do not seem to hear
6) No Vulcan equivalent to the phrase "curiosity killed the cat"
5) The crew's Pon Farr betting pool
4) The Captain and Mr. Chakotay flirting on the bridge
3) Holodeck always booked up when he wants to play "Surak vs. The Barbarians"
2) Small talk
And the number one thing that annoys Tuvok:
1) Pool tables that aren't level

"Nine ball in the corner pocket, 1.579 seconds before the eight ball falls in the side pocket, after banking off the side, here. (*click*click thunk*poom*thunk*). That is 12.5 replicator credits you owe me, Mr. Paris." -- Tuvok

Top Ten Things That Are Sexually Attracted To The Voyager
10) Space slugs
9) ST:TMP's Vger
8) Garbage scows
7) Small meteors
6) Michael Jackson
5) Many varieties of nebulae
4) Large Blue Whales
3) That creature in TNG's "Tin Man"
2) Kinky Kazons
And the number one thing that is sexually attracted to the Voyager:
1) A 1936 Ford Pickup Truck

"Do not worry about my... Pon Farr, Captain. It is my intention to take applications at the appropriate time." -- Tuvok

Top Ten Things Tom Paris Hates About Time Anomalies
10) They're more common than wormholes
9) Everytime he has a hot date planned, Voyager seems to run into one
8) Voyager doesn't have enough real alcohol to do Time Anomalies the fun way
7) He's quite sure that, with his luck, if he's ever thrown back in time, it will be the middle of the black plague
6) They wreak havoc with his pool game
5) Everyone, except him and Neelix, seems to understand temporal technobabble
4) They cause whole adventures he doesn't even remember
3) Chakotay thinks they're funny
2) You get in trouble for things you haven't even thought of doing yet
And the number one thing Tom Paris hates about time anomalies:
1) They really screw up the timer on the VCR

"Logically, if we changed events so that they never happened, then we would not need to take the actions to prevent them now. The paradox is why we can do nothing to make Neelix disappear." -- Tuvok

Top Ten Ways To Detect A Changeling
10) Take a blood sample
9) They can eat Klingon food without gagging
8) See if there's two of anybody
7) They don't become intoxicated
6) Try "Simon says....turn into a Saurian Brandy bottle."
5) Surgery
4) Toss 'em out the airlock
3) Have everyone sit down and wait until one of you turns into a puddle of goop
2) They do not understand knock-knock jokes
And the number one way to detect a Changeling:
1) They're the ones without anti-perspirant in their bathrooms

"I'm entirely too cool to panic in this sort of situation." -- Cpt. Benjamin Sisko

Tuvok's Top Ten Pieces Of Good Advice That People Ignore
10) We should avoid the anomaly, Captain
9) It is unwise to prod Klingons with sharp instruments
8) Mr. Paris, it is not advisable to do loop-de-loops in space
7) You'd get further with the Captain, Mr. Chakotay, if you stopped losing shuttlecrafts
6) B'Elanna, your staff might work more efficiently if you did not threaten to mutilate them
5) Don't pick at it
4) Kes, you should consider varying your amorous experiences
3) Mr. Kim, I have found the best thing for a cold is hot plomik soup
2) Don't eat the birthday cake Neelix prepared
And Tuvok's number one piece of good advice that people ignore:
1) Duck

"My animal spirit, Mr. Chakotay, is a microscopic cell life form, native to Alpha Ceti Seven." -- Tuvok

Top Ten Things Worf Will Have Trouble Getting Used To At Deep Space Nine
10) The dim lighting and serious lack of color
9) Miles O'Brien acting more put upon than ever
8) The wormhole making those bright flashes of light during his sleep period
7) That Cardassian tailor always making the necks on the shirts too big
6) Doctor Bashir's dubious sense of humor
5) The sleepy monotone Sisko uses that makes one suspect that he might turn into a raving lunatic at any given moment
4) Field trips
3) Quark looking at him funny when he orders prune juice
2) Dax developing a crush on him
And the number one thing Worf will have trouble getting used to at Deep Space Nine:
1) The stiff competition for Grumpiest Officer

"I am not a Merry Man." -- Worf
"Good! We just hate that around here." -- Kira

Top Ten Things Neelix and Tom Paris Have In Common
10) Each thinks that the Captain believes he is indispensable
9) Don't like people shooting at them
8) Neither of their prospects are all that great when Voyager gets back to the Alpha Quadrant
7) They argee that going down to a planet in a shuttlcraft, because the atmosphere is too funky to beam through, is a BAD idea
6) Three Stooges fans (But Paris likes Curly and Neelix prefers Shemp)
5) Neither is ever invited to the really good parties
4) A dire fear of going through another of these bonding episodes
3) Sexually intimidated by B'Elanna
2) Same nickname.... Jinx
And the number one thing that Neelix and Tom Paris have In Common:
1) That 'Little Red Riding Hood' fantasy about Kes

"An interesting phenomena, but the similarities may only be the result of an approximately equal level of sapience. I, myself, believe Larry was the most accomplished Stooge." -- Tuvok

November 8 1995
Top Ten Reasons Tuvok and Chakotay Don't Like Each Other
10) Chakotay keeps flirting with the Captain
9) Tuvok acts like he has an exclusive on Captain Janeway
8) Chakotay always forgetting to turn off the Holodeck. Tuvok tired of finding Partridge Family program still running
7) Tuvok's holoprogram takes up too much memory. Does he have to put in every detail of those Elm Street movies?
6) Tuvok doesn't understand why Chakotay resents that Tuvok masqueraded as a Maquis
5) Chakotay thinks Vulcans make lousy Maquis anyway
4) Chakotay disregards the logical course of action if at all possible
3) Tuvok always bringing up logic when it's too damn late anyway
2) Chakotay worried that Tuvok might think that Klingons have the right idea about how to get promoted
And the number one reason Chakotay and Tuvok don't like each other:
1) Fundamental Philosophical Difference....Tuvok prefers "Jeopardy", while Chakotay swears by "Wheel of Fortune"

"If I had been in command of the mission perhaps we would not now be down to only one shuttlecraft.... You may take that anyway you wish, Mr. Chakotay." -- Tuvok

Nov 13 1995
Tuvok's Top Ten Suppressed Negative Impulses
10) Telling Mr. Chakotay to stuff it where the sun don't shine
9) Expressing his approval of the Captain's new hair-do
8) Telling off-color Maquis jokes
7) Spray painting the corridors with really difficult mathematical equations
6) Forcing Neelix to eat whatever it was he served for dinner last night
5) Mentally eavesdropping on all the Captain's one-on-one discussions in the ready room
4) Playing his Vulcan harp real loud in the middle of the night
3) Borrowing Janeway's gothic romance holoprogram
2) Squealing "yippeeee!" every time they go into warp
And Tuvok's number one suppressed negative impulse:
1) Spitting

"If I were indulging my negative impulses you would be picking your teeth out of the bulkhead." -- Tuvok

Nov 13 1995
Top Ten Things Voyager Is Getting A Reputation For In The Delta Quadrant
10) Wild Parties
9) Picking up Hitchhikers
8) Bad sense of direction
7) Suckers for an anomaly
6) Low sales resistance
5) Selling "Baywatch" tapes at a low, low price
4) A peculiar smell
3) Tedious moralizing
2) Always trying to "get in touch with their feelings"
And the number one thing Voyager is getting a reputation for in the Delta Quadrant:
1) Landing on anything that stays still long enough

"No, Captain, I don't think flower picking is a sufficient reason to land the ship on the surface." -- Tuvok

November 27th 1995
Top Ten Things Tuvok Considers Torture
10) Perpetual "Wings" reruns
9) The Captain's weekly sing-a-longs
8) Harry's clarinet playing
7) The mental noise of everyone on the ship thinking "What the hell was that?" at once
6) The scent of Tom Paris' cologne
5) Barry Manilow's greatest hits
4) Watching the Captain let her first officer do anything he wants and then only giving Chakotay a slap on the wrist
3) Neelix
2) Leonard Nimoy's poetry
And the number one thing Tuvok considers torture:
1) Sixty-eight more years on Voyager

"Mr. Kim, if you play "Mandy" again I shall certainly break your neck." -- Tuvok

November 27th 1995
Top Ten Lines Paris Would Like To Have If They Ever Give Him More Than Three In An Episode
10) B'Elanna, I never knew you felt this way about me
9) No need to rename the Quadrant for me, I was just doing my duty
8) Yes, I'd be happy to take the bridge, Captain
7) Kes, I never knew you felt this way about me
6) Bond, James Bond
5) What if I don't want to steer the ship on that course
4) Captain, I never knew you felt this way about me
3) That's right, the city is named after me
2) Chakotay, I never knew you... oh, forget it!
And the number one line Paris would like to have if they ever give him more than three in an episode:
1) Bite me

"Why would I want to bite you, Mr. Paris?" -- Tuvok

January 1996
Top Ten Things Janeway Would Be Surprised To Learn About The Kazon
10) Expert ping-pong players
9) They just keep rolling along
8) Greatly enjoy Disney films
7) Keg parties every Friday night
6) They make fun of her hair
5) They don't like Seska either
4) Now publishing book of Voyager jokes
3) Generous tippers
2) They have a rich and diverse culture that has survived against great odds
And the number one thing Janeway would be surprised to learn about the Kazon:
1) They don't give a damn what she thinks of them

"No, Captain, I do not care how many Kazons it takes to screw in a light bulb." -- Tuvok

February 9th 1996
Top Ten People With Whom It's a Bad Idea To Mind Meld
10) Psycho Killers
9) Chakotay, just after he's lost another shuttle
8) Michael Jackson
7) Dead guys
6) Janeway in a holier-than-thou snit
5) Rush Limbaugh
4) A wandering borg
3) Neelix
2) A UPN Network Executive
And the number one person with whom you should not mind-meld:
1) Yourself

"You're not suggesting that I should go mind meld with myself, are you Captain?" -- Tuvok

March 5th 1996
Top Ten Things Tom Paris Thinks About While In The Brig
10) Giving Chakotay a new tatoo, preferably somewhere very painful
9) How many minutes there are in seventy years
8) The relative comfort of the nice, safe, cozy prison (excuse us... rehabilitation center) he was in back on earth
7) Pepperoni Pizzas and Rigellian Stout
6) If he doesn't start behaving are they planning on making Suter his roommate
5) Maybe getting two measly lines a show wasn't so bad if it means they slap you in the brig if you don't keep your mouth shut
4) Making a low-rider out of 1967 Oldsmobile
3) Harry posting bail
2) What a lousy break it is that he got a bad attitude just as they're about to need suspects for warp coil sabotage
And the number one thing that Tom Paris thinks about in the brig:
1) Sexual frustration

"No, Mr. Paris, no female crewmembers have requested permission to visit you. Is it likely?" -- Tuvok

September 1996
Top Ten Reasons Going On A Camping Trip With The Voyager Crew Is Not A Good Idea
10) Setting up camp by a volcano; okay by them
9) Can't depend on Paris to pick you up on time
8) No kindling; let's give all the women a bad hair cut
7) Team leader, Neelix, not aware that humanoid bones in front of a cave is a bad sign
6) Tuvok usually cranky; might want to annoy the local natives
5) Harry makes one horrible omlette
4) Chakotay trying to get the hang of the bow and arrow could be very dangerous for camping companions
3) ASCAP takes all the fun out of their campfire sing-a-longs
2) B'Elanna keeps offering to "race 'ya."
And the number one reason going on a camping trip with the Voyager crew is not a good idea:
1) No one brings marshmallows

"Fighting monsters is all in a day's work for me, Captain. It was associating with unwashed crewmembers that I found distasteful." -- Tuvok


Time Warp ahead! Please fasten your, whatever it is you have to fasten, and prepare for a two year leap into the future. Thank you and have a safe trip.

September 1998
Top Ten Disadvantages to Living on Deep Space Nine
10) Never know who might take over next week
9) No Cable
8) Jake wants to interview you
7) Cardassian doors difficult to operate when you've had a few drinks
6) Price of holosuites vary widely with Quark's moods
5) O'Brien keeps sabotaging the environmental controls so he'll have something to fix
4) All those damn Bajoran holidays
3) Only tailor on the station often busy with other things now
2) Rom already taken
And the number one disadvantage to living on Deep Space Nine:
1) High insurance rates

"You mean I should have had life insurance." -- Jadzia Dax

September 1998
Top Ten Effects Neelix's stew has on the Voyager Crew
10) Indigestion
9) Seven sprouts Borg implants
8) Harry falls in love
7) Overcrowded Sickbay
6) Increase in anonymous death threats taped to Neelix's door
5) Everyone furiously starts working on a way to shorten the trip home
4) Lots more talk about mutiny
3) Janeway becomes annoyingly sanctimonious
2) Fewer pets (them pussycats is quick)
And the number one effect Neelix's stew has on the Voyager Crew:
1) Shuttle shortage

"No, Mr. Neelix, this is not Plomik soup. Something like this is usually referred to as sewage." -- Tuvok

September 20th 1998
Top Ten Rejected New Star Trek Series
10) Star Trek Academy Washouts (Too Close to Voyager)
9) Star Trek: Kes Kicks Ass (Everyone sick and tired of the Delta Quadrant)
8) Star Trek: Jake Sisko - Ace Reporter (Nausea factor off the scale)
7) Star Trek: Geordi's Tool Time (Insurance rates too high)
6) Star Trek: Betazoid Psychic Hotline (Celebrities refused to give testimonials)
5) Star Trek: The Adventures of Lt. Wesley Crusher (Nausea factor again!)
4) Star Trek: Vulcan Extreme Sports (Illogical)
3) Star Trek: Red Shirt Security Forces (Cast all died in the pilot)
2) Star Trek: Cardassians (Too much arguing over billing)
And the number one rejected new Star Trek Series:
1) Star Trek: Bajoran Folk Tales

"What's that supposed to mean?" -- Colonel Kira

October 1998
Top Ten Disadvantages To Being The Emissary
10) Have to attend ceremonies on all the tedious Bajoran holidays
9) Sets you up as Dukat's favorite target
8) People look at you funny whenever you say "Well, the other day the prophets told me...."
7) Visions make holosuite programs seem kind of ho hum
6) Close friends suddenly Pag'h Wraith fodder
5) Doesn't make your son any more likely to choose Starfleet
4) Everytime that damn wormhole opens and closes you get a cramp in your left thigh
3) They pay you even less than Starfleet
2) Clinging Bajoran Children
And the number one disadvantage to being the Emissary:
1) Everything looks like an Orb

"Is my memory playing tricks on me or are have you gotten stranger?" -- Ezri Dax

October 1998 Top Ten Ideas Worf Rejected For Getting Jadzia into Stovokor
10) Find Voyager
9) Eat outdated yogurt
8) Challenge Quark to a game of Tongo
7) Pound nine inch nails up his nose
6) Steal Sisko's baseball
5) Drink Cardassian Canar until he pukes
4) Tell Kira he does not care for her new hairstyle
3) Do a fly by of Cardassia and moon them
2) Vow revenge on Gul Dukat
And the number one idea Worf rejected for getting Jadzia into Stovokor:
1) Sign up for Celebrity death match

"What if Jadzia doesn't want to go to Sto'vo'kor?" -- Quark

October 1998
Top Ten Mental Health Problems The Deep Space Nine Crew Will Bring to Ezri

10) Miles experiencing a sense of foreboding that someone is going to torture him
9) Kira's obsession with the upper Pylons
8) Sisko beginning to think that his visions aren't coming from the prophets or the Pag'h Wraith. They're incredibly late broadcasts from recalcitrant UPN stations.
7) Odo doesn't know how to tell Kira that he doesn't want to play Intendant and Slave anymore
6) None of them can shake the feeling they're being watched
5) Worf starts to experience an inexplicable fear of vacuum cleaners
4) Jake doesn't really have a problem just came to check her out
3) Julian trying to resist telling Kira he does want to play Intendant and Slave
2) Vic is tired of everyone coming to him with their problems
And the number one mental health problem The Deep Space Nine Crew will bring to Ezri:
1) Weyounaphobia

"So you're just going to give up?" -- Sisko

October 24th 1998
Top Ten Things The Voyager Crew Did To Keep Busy in The Void
10) Roasted weenies over the warp core
9) Spread rumors about Chakotay and Janeway
8) Lego sculptures
7) Watched "Gilligan's Island"... again!
6) Beer chugging contests on the holodeck with the safeties off
5) Listened to Tuvok's comedy act in the crew lounge
4) Every once in a while shouted "Look! A Star!"
3) Spread rumors about Seven of Nine and the Replicator
2) Counted the shuttlecraft
And the number one thing the Voyager Crew did to keep busy in The Void:
1) Shadow puppets

"I assure you Mr. Paris, that looks nothing like a bunny." -- Tuvok

October 26th 1998
Top Ten Reasons Garak Didn't Play For The Niners
10) Thought altering Morn's pants was a more worthwhile activity
9) Now suffering from agoraphobia
8) Throws like a girl
7) Thinks uniforms are tragically unfashionable
6) Kira told him the tryouts were in upper pylon three
5) Didn't want to play unless he could pitch
4) His experiment infusing gum with Cardassian Kanar flavor went badly awry
3) Holding out for a more lucrative contract
2) Sisko didn't want to explain to the Federation why an entire team of Vulcans had disappeared
And the number one reason Garak didn't play:
1) Failed the drug test

"You are attempting to manufacture a triumph where none exists." -- Solok

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